Purpose Driven Motherhood

Yup, that is what I am...Just a mess.... I don't know if it is the stress of everything riding on this cycle, or hormones, or just life...But, today, I cannot stop crying!! I hate it!!.. No word back yet on the prior authorization crap with my insurance for neupogen...I hope to hear back in the next couple days...Praying for some kind of a miracle... Ok-I need to pull it together and make dinner, but all I can think about is curling up in bed and crying....Lord help me...

Well, not sure what I am going to do... My new insurance won't cover the Neupogen- I am trying to scramble to figure out what to do next, if anything at all...Why must this all be so hard!! =(

Went in today for my follicle check- Got two leads- one on each side, measuring at 13 mm and 14 mm- so not much change from 5 days ago...which is pretty normal for me, I tend to be a slower responder and later ovulator...I was hoping things would look a bit better today though...=/ Not sure what my E2 and the rest of it all looks like, we will see in a couple more hours probably. I am hoping this cycle is not a bust already... I will check back in when I hear back from DR. B.

Never work out...LOL...I "planned" to go to the RE office tuesday for my clinic appt, as DH usually has tuesday mornings off- This week...The ONE week I make an appt, he has to work..LOL...Had to make a quick changearoo to tomorrow morning at 9 am- which is probably for the best considering my OPK's are starting to get mighty dark.....Cant wait to see what those follicles have been doing in there!!

Well, I finally had out follow up- here is what he had to say! ( below) I was surprised to learn my NK cells had gone to normal, which is great news! (not mentioned in recap) anyway- I really hope these meds work! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hi Megan , here is a summary of our findings and our plan for treatment 1.       You have a high level of antibodies against your husbands HLA genes and these are complement fixing so we know they cause damage to the pregnancy and may explain your 19 week loss. 2.       You  have a HY restricting allele the DRB3 and this causes you to make antibodies against any male pregnancy and if fact when the immune rejection for the male becomes strong enough most of your pregnancies will be rejected , all of this starts usually after a full term male pregnancy has occurred. 3.       You have a combination of HLA genes that predisposes the embryo  to making low l...

I have my Follow up skype consult with Braverman today, at noon. I am anxious to hear what he has to say in regards to the labs they ran when I had my office visit....Wondering if it changes the game plan at all...I Guess I will find out soon! I got a message back from Dr.B's nurse about my monitoring I had done wed- They want me to go back on Tuesday for one more scan/blood work.  We will see how things are when we get to that point I guess...He was concerned with the Low E2- I have had this happen in all my other femara cycles as well, where my E2 is soooo low, but my follicles keep growing etc- and even when they get mature the E2 is less than it normally would be with say, injects or whatever...Anyway...I have always been told having the low E2 with femara was normal, but I plan to pick Dr. B's brain about it later today just to see what he has to say... I am starting to feel nervous about this...I feel like this is not as well planned as I would have liked......

I paid the cycle fee today! Yay! Things are really rolling now- I picked up all my other meds, and am all set to go! For good measure, since we are putting so much into this cycle, I wanted to get a follicle scan, even though it really isn't needed. I still wanted one to make me feel better...lol....So, I went ahead and did my ultrasound and blood work today at my RE office, just to be sure things were going ok. I am on CD 9 today- Finished my femara last night. Ultrasound showed 6.3 mm lining- left ovary: 5- under 10mm and-  a 11mm and 13 mm right ovary: 5- all 10mm and under TSH- 0.89 FSH- 6.4 LH- 9 E2-20 ( low due to the femara effect) So far, so good- No word back from Dr. B on the clinic results. He may ask me to go for one more scan just to see how they are growing- but maybe not- I am the one who requested the scan anyway... Can't wait to freaking ovulate and get into the TWW! LOL =)

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Check is in the bank! Wooohooo!!! I am paying my cycle fee's on Wed- Then, I have my skype follow up appt set with Dr.B on Friday at noon (I am sure it will be a bit later, he is always behind)...Then next week I go (to my local RE office)  for a follie check to check on the eggies! By this time next week, we should be only a couple days away from O (aka show time!).

Generally Femara isn't too bad for me in term of side effects, but I can def feel some hormonal action going on today. =) Means everything is working I suppose! whoo hooo! AF is winding down a bit, thankfully! DHis looking forward resuming BD activity! ;) Still waiting for the check for our cycle fee funds to get here!! UGH! WHY this week of all weeks does the mail have to run sooo slow!! I really wanted to have my skype consult done with dr. B before this weekend, but we have to wait- Hopefully by mid week I have all the stuff done, and details on neupogen dose etc to start when I O...Really praying the heck is there in the mail this afternoon...Would make me a very happy camper! Getting down to the wire here...Which Dr. B assured would be fine, since I need so little management as far as my cycle goes. But the planner in me is going crazy with this last minute stuff!!

OK....So, forget the neutral stuff and the last post...lol... I have been in a "mood" for the last few days, since that string of BFP/preg announcements that rolled in a few days back, and I have not been able to shake it...Totally made me a melancholy mary today...Anyway... Had a LONG talk with DH today on his lunch, about this cycle, and all that jazz...He said a lot of really good things...One thing that stuck out to me he said, "If you walk into this with the mindset that you are going to fail, or it isn't going to work, it probably won't"...Which is soo true...The mind is half the battle when it comes to fighting anything...Your mind is a powerful thing...I realized, I am letting all the past losses shape how I walk into and feel/view this cycle,and how it is going to go. I cannot do that....This one is going to be different...We are actually going to be on meds that we need, that have been shown to give positive results in many ladies...Not all, b...

I am trying to stay as emotionally neutral, and realistic while TTC this cycle...I know that will be MUCH easier to accomplish during the first half of this cycle, VS the latter half...It always seems to work out that way. I know this cycle holds MUCH better chances for us to have a take home baby, than any of the other cycles we have ever done in the last 2 years...But, I am just soooooo scared of how I will feel and what I will do, should this NOT be "the cycle" that brings us our rainbow...It literally is the most paralyzing feeling...I almost have to force myself to take my meds and get "into it" this month, because I am just so nervous... I remember how I felt after the 2nd intralipid cycle didn't work...I was sooooo crushed, and depressed, and felt so empty and totally broken....I went into the start of that cycle feeling like that was going to be "it", and when it didn't work, and we HAD to move on to seeing Braverman, it was such a punch...

Well, AF showed with a vengeance. Yay me.  The heat pack is my best friend....lol I got the clear (Email back) from Braverman, that we could cycle this month. I will do my follow up consult with him later this week or next, on skype (depending on when the freaking check clears etc), instead of waiting until May 11th to do my F/U appt in person...Then I will pay the cycle fee, and get all my meds RX's- Since we are doing a semi natural/un monitored femara cycle, I don't have to worry about monitoring fee's, travel etc, we can just jump right in this month...I already have some neupogen on hand anyhow, and lovenox and prednisone, but I will have everything I need for the next 12 weeks soon anyway.... It is all starting to become real. I am not nearly as worried or stressed  about it all now....I think the last few days' mood swings were magnified by the hormones preceding AF...Beeotch!...Only a hint of melancholy today...Just wish I could know before han...

When there are no words to say And no prayer that I can pray Hear my heart When I don't have strength to try And I've cried all I can cry Hear my heart 'Cause You know every fear And every doubt I cannot speak You know all the ways I need You And all the way I'm weak S I'll be quiet so you can hear my heart Sometimes I feel No one's ever been in this place before This is hard And I'm not sure that I can do this anymore I know someday I'll look back And all this won't seem real But Lord right now I need You to know just how I feel Every now and then I recall a simple phrase or melody It comforts and it quiets Lifts me up and then it carries me Far above the pain and hurt I think will never end The song speaks words I cannot And calms the fears within Lord I'll be quiet for You can hear my heart (song by: sherri easter)

I am not OK... This is NOT ok... Nothing about any of the last 2 years of my life has been "ok"... Some days, I do a realllllyyyyy GOOD job at pretending everything is "ok", but the truth is...It is NOT...Not at all... Yesterday, as I was starting to really think about how risky all this immune treatment stuff is...I was pondering what I would do if this doesn't "work"...How will I feel, what will I do? How will I move forward??...I didn't get too far into this thought process before I was spinning in circles, half crying, feeling so overwhelmed and hopeless...We really only have ONE shot at this to make it happen before we run our of money for this stuff...It sets the term "putting your eggs all in one basket" in a whole new light...ugh... In the midst of that whirlwind of thoughts swirling in my head...I was informed my sister in law, who just got married not long ago, is pregnant... Now, I LOVE my SIL with everything I ...

( Below is some info on the immune issues we are facing- This is really only a glimpse of how it works-We have a kind of complex case, in the sense that we have  several  auto immune and allo immune factors working against us) Immunologic acceptance of the implanting embryo by the uterus of the mother is both highly complex and magnificent. Not only is it essential for pregnancy to occur, but it also sets the scene for our body’s own cells, tissues and organs to be shielded from attack by our own immune systems. For a moment, consider how, when confronted by foreign proteins (bacteria, viruses, foreign tissue grafts/transplantation), the body’s immune system goes on the attack, but yet an embryo that is derived from proteins that come from another individual (the sperm or paternal antigen), usually safely implants in the pre-pregnancy  uterine lining  and then grows into a healthy baby.This phenomenon has come to be referred to as the “immunologic riddle” of p...

Man, all of this stuff is soooo emotional...I keep flip flopping... One minute, I am OKAY and ready to go full force into cycling with Braverman, feeling like it is going to be GREAT, and we will walk out on the other side with a much loved and wanted baby...The next, I am scared to death, and feeling soooo nervous about it all...What if it doesn't work, and we spend 5 grand a cycle on NOTHING!??......We just don't have thousands sitting around to blow on something that may or may not even work!! I hate that we are even "here"...I hate that the last two years were all in vain...Nothing I did or could have done would have even helped...All the meds, supps, DR's, tests etc...Just to end up here at the "worst case scenario situation" anyway...The one thing I hoped and prayed was NOT our issue, when I was researching reasons for losses back, 2 years ago after my 2nd loss in a row...Of course, that HAD to be what we are dealing with...UGH!!.....And no one ...

  I have been busy ordering my other meds, so I have them on hand for when we decide to cycle again. I have my HCG trigger on it's way to me- should be here middle of next week. I have my PIO injects ready to be picked up too (and tons of femara already on hand). I have 30 days of Neupogen on hand as well. I am waiting to have my follow up appt with Braverman, to go over the most recent testing we did at me new patient appt.(praying there is nothing else that pops up that warrants even more treatments etc)...Once I do that, and pay the 1250 cycle fee (which insurance will reimburse some of) I will get a RX for more Prednisone, Lovenox (40 mgs 2 x a day- a bit more than I was previously on) and Neupogen. Fingers crossed my new HRA insurance will cover the neupogen...I NEED it to be covered. I cannot put out 4 grand for 30 days worth- no way, no how....Please oh please be covered!!!    Anyhow, I am off to go get a mani/pedi ..Oh yeahhh...I...