Purpose Driven Motherhood

The worse it gets...UGH...This HLA/DQ match stuff sucks... I am still just baffled that we are even having to deal with this!? It just seems so crazy to me! What are the chances!?...I always seem to be apart of that "less than 1% of 1%" group that the stupidest crap happens to! UGH.... I am trying to keep the faith and know that I believe in a God who can do amazing miracles, but at the same time, I also have to be wise, and let my body and mind rest a bit...I have been through so very much... I have decided to go on a couple cycles of birth control, to let my system "rest" a bit so to speak, while we figure out a game plan with the new DR, and figure out if insurance will cover the treatments. (please God, please!)...The two meds we would need are either Neupogen, or IVIG- both of which are VERY, VERY expensive, and are VERY hard to get covered by insurance...:sigh: This is all just so much to take in...Passing the 2 year mark, with NO baby, NO BFP, and no...

Came across this beautiful song, written by a beautiful young woman named Miranda Dodson, about her own losses....It is called TRY AGAIN ... Check it out... Click here

OK....actually, really down.... I got hubby's DQAlpha/HLA results today....And we have quite a few "matches"... and I have some "not so great" characteristics about mine that make me even more apt to having implant failure and losses....This, combined with the higher NK cells, low T regs and Hashi's/PCOS issues, gives us answers, as to why we have had so many losses ...But this also means we will NEED treatment to have a take home baby, and the treatment is NOT cheap...( anywhere from 2000-5000 bucks a month for up to 3 months possibly  more depending on how many cycles it takes to fall preg) Here is some info about the HLA/alloimmune issues...From the SIRM website. Alloimmune Implantation Dysfunction  – This is the most common immunologic cause of recurrent miscarriages. here is how it works: With fertilization, the sperm contributes genetic material to the fertilized egg or embryo. That is why an implanting embryo, is in about 90% of cases immuno...

Lines are still there...Maybe even a tad darker today...We will see what the next few days brings.... Here is second morning urine test... and one I did at Noon...

This is not the trigger screwing with me...

Trigger is messing with me...Ugh the things I do to myself...LOL...( click on pics to enlarge them)   Here is the bottom test from the pic above ( 9dpt, 1pm ..the top pic show below) compared with one I just took at 3 pm ( bottom test) edited to add a pic of the last two tests compared now that they are dry...

My chart looks so freaking pretty this month, but I am afraid it is all just another big joke on me...I am not really feeling all that positive this month, and I am sure the progesterone is just making my chart look nice, but AF is lurking around the bend...=/ Trigger is barellllllyyyyy hanging on, but I still see a little hint ( 9 days past trigger today and 8 dpo) of a line, and I just wish it would go away! Anyway, here is the pretty fake out chart.... I post back later with some test progression pics of the trigger...

I got some of the results from reprosource for my immune testing!! Of course, I do not know what hardly any of it really means in the big picture...I am waiting on some of my immune infertility guru's to look over the results and give me their educated opinion...Of course, Braverman will be the one that makes all the decisions as far as how to proceed with treatments, and what will be needed if anything, but I am just happy to have a few of the results on hand...I took some pics of the results, instead of trying to copy/type them back out and have it make sense...LOL... I will post back in a bit when I get some feed back and do some research on the results... OK, some basics, from what I can gather... HLA means nothing right now, till I see DH's to compare...hopefully I can get those results next week...I am praying we have NO matches! NK cell activity looks a little high.... could be a bit lower honestly... each RI's personal opinion on how...

Ugh...The dreadful part of the TWW....I always hate, hate, hate the days between 6 and 10 dpo...=/ The lines were suuuupppperrr light on the wondfo strips, and and the OSOM was a smidge lighter again...I wish the trigger would just go away already! LOL. Chart is looking good though....Still, not really feeling all that hopeful...Just hoping for a miracle.... Here is my chart, and a test pic progression...

In exactly 30 days, I will be on my way home from my appt in Long island, with Braverman!! Eeeekkk!! I cannot believe how fast is is going! I am so excited to finally get in there and get some answers. I am going to call next week and just touch bases with the financial dept, to be 100% doubly sure I will only need to pay a co pay for the visit....Fingers crossed nothing has changed since the last time I called in about it.... Other than that, Just hanging out, waiting....Wishing it was 12 dpo right about now, instead of 5 dpo...=/ Here is today's tests....I know I said I was going to do every other day, but now my POASoholicness is getting the best of me..LOL...

I am 5 days past trigger and around 3-4 dpo. Not really noticing too much in the way of symptoms...One BIG difference, if I have major constipation, and last cycle it was not like this. I also noticed LESS cramping, and MORE bloating. It is probably just the way the trigger effects my body when I do it intramuscularly  instead of SQ...Anyway...Without further ado, here is my tests. Wondfo and OSOM taken with the same sample. Here is the dried progression

Just thought I would share with you all a comparison of Wondfo Vs. OSOM tests. =) I did my test this afternoon, to test out my trigger, and decided to dip a wondfo at the same time so I could see the difference in lines. Here is the pic! You can clearly see OSOM is more sensitive and easier to see/read! I am sooo glad I ordered the OSOM's this time! And just "because", here is a pic of the dried OSOM tests progression from the last 3 days of testing out my trigger.

Over the last two years, I have not ONCE thought about baby names, or nurseries etc...I just have not been able to bring myself to even day dream about it or buy baby stuff (with the exception of two outfits I bought the month before my surgery) etc.... I always have waited in the past, till the pregnancy was well established before  I started narrowing down names and thinking themes for the nursery and buying gear...especially THIS go around, when it seems like  whatever can go wrong, HAS already....Anyway.... Today, I have been thinking about our much hoped and prayed for (future) baby, and praying for some confirmation to keep me kind of hanging on till we see our promise come to fruition....I kept being brought back to 3 years ago, when we first started our journey to a reversal for another baby, (and to help with physical issues from my ligation, which have been gone since the reversal) and all the things that had to happen to even ...

On to the more "fun" part of the cycle! I got my + OPK last night, and triggered before bed! DH and I have had a great BD schedule! I am feeling strangely "good" about this month...

I got DH's sperm analysis numbers in the mail today.... I now know why we get pregnant SO easy ( not that it matter if you cant stay pregnant...)....Oh my! He had over a billion swimmers in his sample!    214 million sperm per ml, With a volume of 5.8 ml (total sample volume) that's 1,241,200,000 total....   Count, morph and motility were great, as was everything else. I was glad to hear it when the nurse called me last week to tell me all looked great, but it is even better to SEE the results! It gave DH a nice ego boost too ;) For those who know how to read these, here are the exact numbers... In other news...Still waiting on that + OPK...Lot's of cramps and CM, but OPK's are still no where near positive...So, I wait, and keep POAS...LOL... That is about it...

I know there is a rainbow For me to follow To get beyond my sorrow Thunder precedes the sunlight So I'll be allright If I can find that Rainbow's end I will be allright If I can find that Rainbow's End

One more thing...I added a new "page" to my tabs up top ( under my blog title) with info on immune system infertility . It is LONG and filled with a wealth of info! So if you or anyone you know is looking for some basic info, and links to sites with more in depth info, on immune infertility, check out the stuff on that tab. =)

This cycle is so much more boring, cause I am not being monitored, and have NO idea when O will happen, and I am just kind of waiting for the OPK's to get some action on them...I am def getting lines but no where near positive. I am however getting LOTS of EWCM, much earlier this cycle, than last, so that is GOOD! I am sooooo ready for the TWW...I ordered some OSOM tests this time ( they are the VERY BEST, and use BLACK dye, so there is not "is it pink or not" crap), I am NOT fooling with FRER anymore, they are giving terrible indents due to the deep antibody strip they have now put in the tests...Bleh! I Also ordered 100 wondfo's just to satisfy my urge to POAS whenever I so desire. LOL Other than that, nothing new...Still waiting on results from the immune panel, and counting down the days to my appt with Braverman.

Cycle day 7 here...Feeling the side effects....YUCK!! I have had some cycles in the past when I did Femara, and  I had some mild side effects, but I can certainly say this is the worst out of all the cycles! I have thrown up the last two mornings, I am having terrible headaches, I feel weak, moody and I cannot stop crying at EVERYTHING! UGH!  I sure hope this means it  (the med) is doing it's  job REALLY well this cycle and prepping my eggs to be "the ones" that stick...Otherwise, I may never do another medicated cycle again, cause this is really nasty! =/ In other news, I ordered my trigger inject. Not sure I will use it this cycle or not, but at least I have it ordered and on hand for whenever I feel like I want to use it in a future cycle etc. I plan to stock up on my progesterone in oil too, just to cut back on the expense later on...It adds up with 80 bucks here, 100 bucks there etc...Feels nice to be ahead of the game, so to speak. ........I pl...

Just got the call back form the RE office....DH's SA was EXCELLENT! Count, motility and morph were perfect! I don't have exact numbers yet, but I will get them in the mail in the next 3 days. So we can cross that off the list of things to worry about/get tested. Now we just wait for reposource panel results, and count down to out appt with Braverman! Oh and, Lionna from repro called, just to let me know all the stuff got there safe and sound (and before the HUGE snow storm we are about to get!). Yay for that too! 

Yay!! It is DONE! ( immune panel blood draw) 24 vials of blood later (only 6 for DH)...LOL...But at least it is all over now! The blood/vials is being shipped back to reprosource tonight via Fed EX. Hopefully I will have results in a couple weeks. Hubby also gave his sperm sample to be checked out, so hopefully we will see results for that soon! I am feeling very happy to know we are on our way to some answers, and hopefully a plan that will bring us a take home baby!!

I am scheduled with Dr. Braverman, (again, we had to cancel our Oct appt due to DH's work schedule and finances) in Wodburry, Long island, NY, for a in office consult on March 21st,  to go over my labs that I am having done tomorrow at my local RE office. I am doing the immune panel tests with reprosource, that will help us determine a better path for us in getting that take home baby. I am excited to start this new part of our journey, but also a little sad, that is had to come to this...This is pretty much our "last resort" in regards to medical intervention/help with the losses. So that has been a hard pill to swallow, but it is what it is! I will follow up with details tomorrow about the blood draw. I am anxious to see how it all goes, and even more anxious to see what DH's SA results will be. Here is hoping all goes super smooth! =)

I got off the phone with Lj at reprosource and we are all set to go, and ready for testing wed morning. I am going to have to push it back a tad ( a half hour) just because the kit will not arrive until 10:30, and they want the dry ice there for the vials when they do the draw. DH will be with me for the draw as well, and he is also going to do a SA too that morning. I have also decided to do the Femara this cycle (which I start tonight)...I MIGHT do the trigger upon a + OPK this cycle...Not sure yet....Here is hoping the testing will "scare" my body into submission and this month will give us a sticky!...Not likely, but whatever...lol..I can hope...If nothing else, at least I will be on my way to answers and hopefully a solution to all the losses...

Everything came back fine... E2 37.88 FSH 7.26 LH 5.58 HCG <1 TSH 1.94 P4 0.73 Even my thyroid (TSH) has kind of leveled off and isn't so hyper anymore after the med change...Anyway...Not sure what, if anything we are doing this cycle...I could do a un-monitored femara cycle since I have the meds on hand, but I just am not sure I am feeling it...I am kind of feeling anxious about the testing wednesday  even though I know results wont be back for a couple weeks...It is scary to start going down this road...I wish more than anything we could get a super surprise sticky bean while waiting for the test results, and need NO meds to carry to term...that would be ideal, but I am not going to hold my breath...After all, I was convinced the intralipids would be the "fix" we needed and we would not even need to travel to NYC...That did not work out so well...=/ But at least I can be happy knowing my CD 3 labs are not too whacky and everything is baseline. there is ...

I found some great info on this supp. I just ordered some and will be taking it as soon as I have done my reprosource testing, to not skew the tests artificially. ( I stopped my fish oil too)...Anyway, here is some info on it! Lengthy, but worth it! N-acetyl cysteine comes from the amino acid L-cysteine. Amino acids are the building blocks of proteins. N-acetyl cysteine has many uses as medicine. N-acetyl cysteine is used to counteract  acetaminophen  ( Tylenol ) and  carbon monoxide  poisoning. It is also used for  chest pain  (unstable angina), bile duct blockage in infants,  amyotrophic lateral sclerosis  (ALS, Lou Gehrig’s disease), Alzheimer’s disease, allergic reactions to the anti-seizure drug phenytoin ( Dilantin ), and an eye infection called keratoconjunctivitis. It is also used for reducing levels of a type of  cholesterol  called lipoprotein (a), homocysteine levels (a possible risk factor for  heart disease ) and...