Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Seems like SO much LONGER....

As I sit here, counting down the days and hours, till AF starts, wishing she would get here ASAP so we can get back to TTC....I began to think back to when we FIRST began...


It has been 16 months, 4 weeks and 2 days since we started TTC again...

But it's been more like 2 years, 3 months, and 4 weeks since we began this journey, because my heart had been "in it" for much longer than my tubes have been repaired...


As many of you know, I had my tubes tied after my 3rd biological child was born. I was pushed into it by my OBGYN, and really thought it was the best decision. I was traumatized from our 19 week loss, and spent the entire pregnancy with my last child in such terror, and anxiety, and stress. My body was angry for going right from being half way through a pregnancy, to losing it, to being pregnant again less than 3 months later....I had many complications, and they even thought our daughter had heart issues there for a while in utero....Anyway, at the very end, 9 months pregnant, I just NEVER, ever thought I could endure such heartache, and stress both physically and mentally EVER again....So I tied my tubes...
I knew it was a mistake from the moment I woke up...I was grieved...I felt like something had been stripped away from me....

As the months wore on after the surgery, I began to experience some hormonal issues .And, at times, it mimicked symptoms of pregnancy and would mess my cycles up, making them irregular....I will never forget the day I was 10 days "late" and went to go buy a HPT, knowing full well my chances of being preg were  slim to none, but I know some tubal fail, so I had to be sure...I got the test, and it was neg. AF came not long after that...I have to admit I was a little bummed out....That was in Feb 2010. From that moment on...I got that spark in my soul again....That desire to be pregnant....For a while, I thought I was NUTS....I tried everything I could to shake it....

April 2010- I began to chart again, just so I could see what was going on with my cycles and hormones...
Even though I knew my tubes were tied, after a while, I began to HOPE, that maybe, JUST maybe, we would be the lucky 1% and get a tubal failure baby. I began to research reversals...I had learned that many women had the same hormonal issues I did, and the reversal helped! I also learned that a reversal gives you VERY good chances for getting pregnant too! BUT, we had NO money for the reversal, and bills to pay...

Each month, I would chart, and track my cycles...Praying, and pleading for my tubes to some how grow back and give us another blessing...I know it sounds crazy...But I really just was hoping I would not need to go through with the reversal....

We finally got the money, and booked the surgery for March 2011- And began to actively TTC as soon as I was healed from surgery.

For 11 months, before the reversal, I charted, and prayed, and hoped, and dreamed...But nothing ever happened...which, I was more than prepared for, but still, it makes this whole ordeal seem so much longer than just how long we have been actively TTC because i wanted it, and hoped and prayed for it for much longer........Then add in the losses since the reversal...I just get over whelmed when I look back and see how much we have endured....I want another baby more than anything right now....It just feels so far out of reach at the moment....

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