Skip to main content

Seems like SO much LONGER....

As I sit here, counting down the days and hours, till AF starts, wishing she would get here ASAP so we can get back to TTC....I began to think back to when we FIRST began...


It has been 16 months, 4 weeks and 2 days since we started TTC again...

But it's been more like 2 years, 3 months, and 4 weeks since we began this journey, because my heart had been "in it" for much longer than my tubes have been repaired...


As many of you know, I had my tubes tied after my 3rd biological child was born. I was pushed into it by my OBGYN, and really thought it was the best decision. I was traumatized from our 19 week loss, and spent the entire pregnancy with my last child in such terror, and anxiety, and stress. My body was angry for going right from being half way through a pregnancy, to losing it, to being pregnant again less than 3 months later....I had many complications, and they even thought our daughter had heart issues there for a while in utero....Anyway, at the very end, 9 months pregnant, I just NEVER, ever thought I could endure such heartache, and stress both physically and mentally EVER again....So I tied my tubes...
I knew it was a mistake from the moment I woke up...I was grieved...I felt like something had been stripped away from me....

As the months wore on after the surgery, I began to experience some hormonal issues .And, at times, it mimicked symptoms of pregnancy and would mess my cycles up, making them irregular....I will never forget the day I was 10 days "late" and went to go buy a HPT, knowing full well my chances of being preg were  slim to none, but I know some tubal fail, so I had to be sure...I got the test, and it was neg. AF came not long after that...I have to admit I was a little bummed out....That was in Feb 2010. From that moment on...I got that spark in my soul again....That desire to be pregnant....For a while, I thought I was NUTS....I tried everything I could to shake it....

April 2010- I began to chart again, just so I could see what was going on with my cycles and hormones...
Even though I knew my tubes were tied, after a while, I began to HOPE, that maybe, JUST maybe, we would be the lucky 1% and get a tubal failure baby. I began to research reversals...I had learned that many women had the same hormonal issues I did, and the reversal helped! I also learned that a reversal gives you VERY good chances for getting pregnant too! BUT, we had NO money for the reversal, and bills to pay...

Each month, I would chart, and track my cycles...Praying, and pleading for my tubes to some how grow back and give us another blessing...I know it sounds crazy...But I really just was hoping I would not need to go through with the reversal....

We finally got the money, and booked the surgery for March 2011- And began to actively TTC as soon as I was healed from surgery.

For 11 months, before the reversal, I charted, and prayed, and hoped, and dreamed...But nothing ever happened...which, I was more than prepared for, but still, it makes this whole ordeal seem so much longer than just how long we have been actively TTC because i wanted it, and hoped and prayed for it for much longer........Then add in the losses since the reversal...I just get over whelmed when I look back and see how much we have endured....I want another baby more than anything right now....It just feels so far out of reach at the moment....

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

What you should know if you are considering a tubal reversal

Its been 8 years. 8 years since we took a trip to NC to see DR. Montieth in Chapel Hill. I remember being so excited. I had this picture in my head of how it was going to go during, and after it all. For those of you who don't know, I had my tubes tied in 2009, after the birth of my 3rd, directly following a traumatic still birth. It was a decision made out of fear and trauma, not an informed decision. I ended up having adverse health issues (PTLS) after, and was desperate to find a solution. I stumbled upon a private chat room with others also struggling. Several had gone for a reversal, and seemed to feel so MUCH better after. I had already seen my doctor umpteen times, and they offered no solutions, and insinuated it was "in my head".... I saw all of these ladies posting the day OF surgery saying that they felt relief! I was like, "Yes, this is it!!"... So we saved the 6 Grand, and went and did the reversal. I was PUMPED. I started a blog, YouTube video and F

Some statistics on Miscarriage

Miscarriage Statistics Overall miscarriage risk is 17-22%; risk after gestational sac is visible is 12-15% Miscarriage is one of the most frequent problems in human pregnancy. The most widely accepted definition is that proposed by the World Health Organization in 1977. The incidence among clinical pregnancies  (a pregnancy that is confirmed by both high levels of hCG and ultrasound confirmation of a gestational sac)  is about 12-15%, but including early pregnancy losses it is 17-22%. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11950476 After heartbeat is detected, risk of miscarriage is 9.4% at 6wks; 4.2% at 7wks; 1.5% at 8wks; 0.5% at 9wks To estimate the risk of miscarriage among asymptomatic women after a prenatal visit between 6 and 11 weeks of gestation where proof of fetal viability of a singleton was obtained by office ultrasonography at the same visit. METHODS: Those recruited were 697 asymptomatic women who attended their first antenatal visit between 6 (+2 days) and 11(+

Trust & New Pajamas

So, a blog comment I got the other day from wonderful woman, and awesome supporter of mine, caused me to pause a bit, and kind of evaluate some things about my faith and relationship with God. Which I truly appreciate, because she was kind and not judgy in her words...And I felt God gently nudge my heart each time I read the comment over... I felt my face start to burn with emotion, as tears welled up in my eyes...And I finally admitted to myself... I do NOT trust God...At least not fully, like I once did... But I desperately WANT to be at that point again....Trusting fully...And filled with peace... I walked into this journey,  to try for one more, 100% SURE , God was calling us/giving us the desire  to have another baby...I/we were, 100% certain we would walk away with a baby in our arms...As a matter of fact, I would have bet my LIFE on it. Now, 3 years later, I am broken, weary, and so utterly soul shattered, that I simply cannot "look" God in the eyes...H