Hannah's story...

April 28th 2008……
So I started out my day like any other.. though I was having some emotional issues with it being the 4 year anniversary of my father’s passing. I tried to peel my eyes open and get the kids up and ready from school, sipping on a cup of coffee trying to revive after a glass of wine the night before that had too many sulfites in it and have me the YUCK feeling…ugh.. usually I don’t get a bottle like that.. but… maybe that’s not all it was..??
My mom called me later on that AM to tell me my brother and his girl were having another little baby... Talking to my mom jokingly I said “ better her than me right now!!!” In jest. My mom knew I was joking... we had been preventing recently, after TTC for over a YEAR, with NO BFP's at all, and it was not because we didnt want to have another, but DH's company had also been talking about relocation etc...so we had put baby things "on hold for a bit" but were not on contraceptives...I digress...

So later that that I get a appt reminder call for thyroid tests , and i'm writing a date on the calendar to confirm... And I see the date …It hit me! Even though I knew it was the 28th I didn’t really KNOW it was the 28th...which meant I was a little "late"…hmmmmmm I thought to myself. “ gosh I hope I don’t eat my words!!! And end up preg with everything that is going on with DH;s work!!!".... I pondered it all day… … "there is NO way!!, how!? after a year of ATTC, and we prevent and now this!?"…

I called darling husband of mine to tell him..to make a stop to “CVS” for that "thing" I needed.... you know… one of those "things" to test...… he was like “ really???? You think???” I said "no not really, im sure it just whacky hormones, but I wanna make sure"…

so he came home that night with a CVS brand 3 pack..(smart man… he knew id test more than once and have him back out for another if he didn’t get a 3 pack..LOL) After dinner I decided to pee on a stick.. I walked away for 3 mins.. so I didn’t just stare and make believe I saw a line there after 30 seconds..lol…and I came back to a test…. A test with… 2 lines!!!!!!????????? No frikkin way!!!!!!!!! This cant be happening!??!… we both were shocked...But sooooo happy!!!!

We started to get excited.. and I had my Dr’s appt… and got an ultrasound.. and things were good.. Though I had a nagging feeling that I was going to start bleeding any day.. and it would be over… but the first trimester passed and little baby girl kept hanging on in there.. I also had a few more ultrasounds and all was perfect…and I was getting a belly!!! I got to feel her move and see her grow..

I was on my Baby center boards.. I was due January 4th… interestingly enough, that was also my fathers birthday. I found out on the 4 year anniversary of his death. Odd…. And even stranger, I kept on with the same due date with each ultrasound I would get… hmmm……we were counting down days till the BIG ultrasound when we would find out if we were having a boy or girl.. though I KNEW it was a girl and had a u/s prior that indicated she was a girl at 15 weeks and again at 18.3 weeks, just a few days before she passed, all was normal!.... I had a feeling and I was right each time with my other kids also…I had many dreams…I was soo excited… Though I still had this fear. This fear my dream of having this little one was going to go away… I dreaded the 12 week scan for nural tube defects.. but all came back fine! (yay!) still I had this fear.. I even got prayer for it.. . several times....it was over taking me . But week by week I began to get happier and happier and the anxiety faded some.. still was there but had faded…and I got bigger and bigger! I could feel her moving even more!! It was just awesome...

A belly pic from 18/19 weeks- just days before the BIG u/s

Journal Entry- August 4th 2008-

August 5th 2008
The big day….. it was our ultrasound day… jared had taken the day off and auntie was gonna take the kids to the park while we went in the office...we get in there, wait a few mins, and hurry back to the room... I quickly pull down my pants and get prepped for the u/s… as I take the last swig of my OJ.. I was trying to wake up my little one I hadn’t felt her move a lot.. and I didn’t want the legs crossed! The tech slathers on some gel and begins to scan... I was watching the screen… She started clicking and taking measurements.. and I asked jared if he could se ok.. he said yes.. and we both looked… and then as soon as I could see anything viseable.. she looks at me and grabs my hand…. And says… im sorry… your baby has passed on.. I cannot find a heart beat…. ( what!!!!!!!!????????? Are you kidding me?????? Is this some sick joke!???? A dream????????? No way!!!!!!!!) she said she would go get a dr to confirm…. And there is was plain as day.. a 4 chamber heart.. perfect in every way… but not beating.. not moving… no blood flow nothing…. The baby had passed on…. I was in shock I couldn’t even cry… I could not believe it was real.. that this was MY life!!??? It wasn’t possible! But it was… and I cried…. Jared and I prayed right there in the room.. and told God not matter what the outcome.. we would STILL PRAISE HIM…. And we tried to pull ourselves together and walk out after being given our options as to what to do next… nothing was an option though… having my baby die was not an option… laboring….. surgery?? Those were my options!!!!? I just wanted my baby back and living and moving inside my belly… and I knew.. it wasn’t going to happen… Not that I didn’t trust god could do a miracle.. cause im living proof he can. But I knew.. it was not right… and there must have been a problem with my little angel… and I had to walk out of that building with a dead baby inside of me… the hardest thing I ever had to do… and I had to face everyone who was waiting for a call to confirm it was a baby girl!! I had to tell them I was a dead baby… we were having a dead baby…????......

I cried a lot…

That night I had the hardest time sleeping… Holding my belly with my dead baby in me..
I woke up the next day in a daze and quickly popped a xanex… so I could even make it to get ready without breaking down and being a totally wreck… Not that it would have been terrible if I did… I just knew I would make it worse than it already was… we went into that hospital and I checked in… I cried all the way while walking down the hall to get in my gown.. and to get admitted. The girl in front of me not knowing why, or what was wrong… But knew something was wrong… I just cried… not talking… I just nodded my head stuck on my gown and tried to breathe. …. I got a headache from holding in the tears…AND finally jared was able to come back while I waited… I was contracting… I felt the pain of the contractions… and it was like a piece of me was being ripped out each time… and I was scared…I could not see my baby girl...I just could not do it...I wanted to keep the image of her in my mind of what she would have been like alive and well, not the image of my dead baby...they shot me up with some morphine… . I tried to breathe but couldn’t… they gave me some oxygen on the table after I moved over.. I was so uptight my heart rate went down…. And… then…. Lights out… Its all a blurr....

I woke up… in a daze.. .. I asked for pain meds… and then the Dr came over… she said it all went well.. And that the nurse on hand was able to get me footprints ! They were so precious... and she said she was going to go tell my husband I was ok and let him know I was out… I sat there for a bit… I reached down and moved my IV tubes and felt my belly… it was gone… I had no belly, no baby… nothing but pain… in every way possible.. Pain… I tried to sleep it off.. Maybe I would wake up and it would all be over.. But it wouldn’t... and I woke… and there was the nurses.. With their sad faces… awkward and confused… what would they say… what do you do for someone in a situation like that.. They deal with trauma all the time.. Yet.. It was different….. What do you say?? Nothing makes it ok. now... here i am... ONE of those ladies… a lady who has lost a baby…. Not just a baby that was the size of a sesame seed. not that it makes it any easier to loose a child at any stage.. But a baby I felt kicking in me… growing inside of my body… and it was gone…

I got myself set with pain meds.. And they started my discharge crap… and I was on my way out the door. But I would not be walking out of there the same person who walked in just 5 hours before…I would forever be changed. I steadied myself and sat in the wheel chair… they were gonna wheel me out like they did after I had my darling son a little over two years ago… though I had no baby… nothing to show for but a broken heart. I got to the front doors… and I had this terrible feeling come over me… I looked down at the papers… the papers that had my little girls foot prints on them… soooo tiny… but perfect in every way… each little toe… with the smallest detail.. Right in the perfect place… and I knew… and felt it… it was over… and I just couldn’t believe this was my life… now I have had a lot happen in my time… and a lot of heartache and issues… but this was hard… really hard… MY baby…. OUR child had passed on.. And yet I knew she was in a better place.. It was still so hard.. I wanted her with me.. In my belly growing and kicking. The next few days were like a daze…but with each passing day it got easier and easier.. I found comfort in little things… having my husband home… having a church family there for us.. That brought us meals and just prayed for us like there was no tomorrow… for that I am sooo greatful I have never felt more loved. Even though there was nothing anyone could say… just BEING there made it a little better… and I had peace.. I was not mad at God… after all I knew God was sad over my pain.. And didn’t want me to feel that way.. But HE new what was best.. What if that baby had lived to term,.. And had a severe mental retardation??? I could not live with that… I would be heart broken everyday that I couldn’t “fix” it… and make it all better.. There were so many what if’s… but at the end of the day I knew… that we live in a fallen world.. And bad things happen to GOOD people… because our world is corupt.. And the foods we eat are toxic and the air we breathe is bad for us… ect ect… sometimes things just happen… it wasn’t God’s will… it wasn’t this or that… I just happened.. And I could live with that.. Just because I KNEW my baby girl was in the arms of our father.. And dancing around with my grandma and my father and everyone else I know is up there…
I also… KNOW that I will overcome this hurt.. And each day I know… that the hurt I had is turning into happy memories.. At least I had the chance to have her in my belly as long as I did.. And I got to give her life.. And God got to give her a spirit…. A spirit that lives on to this day and is in a better place and ill get to meet my wonderful baby one day… and untill then I know she knows how much I LOVE her… and that even though she is not alive to impact my life each day… she has forever made an imprint on my heart.. And I will carry it with my always… I hope to with my experience help others too… if I can give just ONE person that much needed comfort of “I KNOW what its like” and can really know what its like…I will be satisfied.. After all.. My story.. And my life is an open book… it would be worth nothing if I was closed up and never let anyone in… thought my hurt and pain is still there.. I am ok with being vunerable and open…and let my life and hurt, and happiness and pain, and joy make in impact on someone else.. I will probably blog on this again at one point in time or another… as there is so much to tell.. And to say about all that has occoured since the loss of our baby… but for now.. I am going to leave it at this…
I will always LOVE you my baby….you are forever in mommy and daddy’s hearts….. We miss you..

Here are a couple pics of the Journal Entries I wrote the day we "had" her