Tuesday, July 24, 2012

My Birthday present-

So...Yesterday was hard in a few different areas...


I spent some time helping/talking to a young teenage girl who is 19 weeks pregnant, which I could relate too, since I was young when I was pregnant with my first...That is a whole other story for a different time, and in the wake of recurrent loss, I found it a little harder than in years past to handle the situation.....Also, listening (reading on FB) to another woman complain about her pregnancy symptoms unmercifully...I actually surprised myself and did not even get THAT upset, I would have bawled in the past at the first moment of seeing someone pregnant regardless of how they got that way. I only felt a little twinge of jealousy, and then quickly reminded myself, they have NO idea what I have endured, I cannot punish them... My time will come...




So then, I went online looking for some memorial jewelry for our angel babies...I was so blown away at how beautiful and precious some of them were...I found a great charm necklace, where I could add in birth/due date/loss date stones etc...I glanced down, and saw only 5 options available for stones etc...By the time I thought of E mailing the seller for a special order, I was over come with such grief...The fact that I have more angels than the options they gave for birth/loss stones itself,  was just a ton to grasp. Then I started thinking of all the birth/loss months and trying to gather the info needed, and I just had to close the page...13 angels...13 stones I would have to pick, and it just made me crumble...I was doing so well....feeling so positive about us TTC again in sept, then this just threw me back 5 steps...


I walked away, and felt a little depression slip over me...I moped around most of last night, and finally went to bed, trying not to think about it...


I woke up this morning, still thinking about the necklace...I decided to bite the bullet and contacted a woman who is on one of my recurrent loss support groups, who makes jewelry by hand etc...I told her what I was looking for...And by the end of the morning I had put in a order for a special necklace!


I decided to use the "birth stones" to represent the loss months of our angels...I had to go over my loss history and make sure I had the correct amount of stones for angels and the corresponding months they were lost etc...All 13 of them....Then I sent her my list, and she offered to throw in free stamped discs, with the first letter of my living children's names on them...HOW sweet! After all was said and done...I walked away, filled with HOPE, and peace, and a small fraction of JOY...That I was doing something to remember my angel babies by, and also represent my living  children too...Hopefully I can add another name/initial charm instead of another loss stone...


Here are a couple sample pics of the stones and discs...It wont be exactly like this, but similar...I will be sure to post pics of MY necklace when I get in in my hand...But for now...this will give you an idea...I am buying this for my birthday present (tomorrow)...




I am excited to get it...And put it on for the first time...I am praying this step of bravery for me, will mean I wont have to add any more stones for angels to it, and we can get our take home baby...That has always been my fear...I would get something, and then run out of room to add to it due to more losses...I know there is still a chance we could have to add one, but something in my heart feels like I may not have to, and our rainbow is just around the corner!


Then, to top it all off...I got this crazy desire to STOP my pills after this month and just TTC for aug instead of waiting for sept...It would be 8/9 weeks since my levels reached <1 and it would be safe to TTC, but I really wanted to commit to 3 months, and the the last 6 weeks, I have been totally 100% ok with that...all the sudden...I just cannot WAIT to TTC again!! I am trying to compose myself, and keep from making a irrational decision...I know I should probably take one more month to rest, but I just have so much HOPE for TTC again, I cannot wait to get back to it!! Still undecided...I know that even if we wait 3 months the chances of losing another one are there just as much as if we try next month...So I just don't know...I thought of just NTNP, but then if we did catch the egg, and I was not charting and did not start my lovenox, and progesterone etc at the right time, then lost it, I would blame myself for not going into it all full swing...so many variables!!

Lord help me!! LOL

2 comments:

  1. 13 losses is just heartbreaking. Your strength makes me feel like a big cry baby mourning only one loss. I love the idea of the necklace and think it will be a really nice way to keep them close to your heart. I'm excited for you to TTC again a little earlier than planned! That is exciting!!

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  2. Megan, I bought a ring after my MC and it helped so much to have something tangible to looks at that says...yes I conceived a baby and yes, that baby is with me no longer. I hope that this brings you a little peace...I do encourage you to wait the three months, get your body back to feeling and being healthy. My rheumy said 3 months minimum for methotrexate (I did 4). It causes really really nasty birth defects and increases your risk for MC.

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