Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Found a few things...

So yesterday was one of my "should be" be due dates...It has been a bit hard, but honestly, I feel  I am handling it all better than expected....Considering, all the newborn pics on facebook, and the numerous pregnancy announcements flowing in...

So later that day,  I began to go  looking through some of my online albums from the last few years, and was trying to find a pic of me with short hair, because someone asked me about it, and I remembered I had one from cosmetology school. So, I went digging....No where online, so I resorted to my "special" personal folder in the file cabinet. I had not looked though it in ages, so I kind of got lost reminiscing ...

When all of the sudden, as I sifted through some other things, out tumbled a envelope, and then as soon as I saw it, out spilled the contents...

They were my ultrasound pictures of my Hannah and her Foot prints...It was a Hard thing to see at first glance, but then, as I began to pick them up and look closer, instead of weeping, like I did in years past, I smiled...What a Bittersweet feeling...Such pain and sadness, knowing she is not here, but such JOY knowing what came after her, and how much she taught me in her short time with us....

For the first time, I feel brave enough to post some pictures of my little angel...I do not have any more pics, other than the last few ultrasounds and her foot prints...

This was Just over a week before she passed away...


She was perfect in EVERY way...Just PERFECT....I could feel her move and kick, and occasionally hiccup...

This was the day we found out she no longer had a heart beat....One of the worst days of my entire life....



And This was the next day, the day we had her...Her beautiful little footprints, perfect in every single way...They are about as big as the  tip of my pointer finger...

Seeing all of this stuff brought me back to that time and place almost immediately...And to think, 4 years later, here I sit, grieving not only her loss, but so many, many others now and yet at the same time, rejoicing in my Kaitlyn, my rainbow baby, from after we lost Hannah...And how much JOY she brings me, knowing she would not be here if Hannah had stayed...It is such a hard place....It almost feels surreal, like this is some crazy lifetime movie....But it is my life, what I have endured...My pain, My sorrow....My triumphs....Just after I finished packing away all of Hannah's stuff, I thumbed though a few more things in my folder, and then out came this.....
This was a scripture from Proverbs 3:3-10, from the bible that someone had printed off on this beautiful rainbow paper to me not long after my father passed away, in 2004...It could NOT have fallen out at a better time...I needed to see this, and read it again....It gave me a little hope, and a little comfort, and challenged me to keep trusting, and keep hoping and keep giving my time to God, and he will bring me to the other side, with my rainbow baby in my arms one day...I believe it with all my heart...For now I need to learn to wait, and rest, and not get discouraged...Our time is coming....

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