Purpose Driven Motherhood

I renewed my Fertility Friend VIP subscription again, for one more year...I have been a VIP member for 3 years now...3 years of charting...2 full years of actively TTC with interventions....No take home baby...ugh.... I had like 100+ days left on my subscription as it was, but I figured I would snag the deal for 24 bucks "just cause"...I have 479 days left now....All know is... I better have a freaking baby by the time I need to renew again!!!!!!!

I got all the info on the specifics of the money today, and It looks like it will hit our bank around April 20th-25th give or take a few days to let the bank clear the check too...I am soooooooo excited!!!!  We are going to have a chance!!! Finally, a real chance, with the meds we NEED to actually have a shot!!! Eeeekkk!  I don't even want to think about what we will do if it doesn't work...So, I wont....At least not right now...=) I went shopping today and got all kinds of stuff to get me jump started on eating better. I have recently found I LOVE almond and cashew butter on celery, and gluten free pretzels. Anyway, I am not going to go full out yet on the diet, going to integrate it in over the next 3 weeks or so... Then I will go all GF crazy right before we cycle...Hopefully in May/June! Oh, and my MOM is coming to visit from April 1st- the 10th!! I am so excited!! It has been almost 2 years since we have seen her/her husband, and the kids have...

I am sooooooooooooooooooooo  freaking excited!!!!!!!!!!!! I just got the news..... we will have the money we need to do a couple cycles with Braverman and the new meds/protocol!!!!! Thank you LORD!!! I cant even begin to explain how much of a miracle it was we got this money!! I am just beyond words...My heart if filled with gratitude!! Oh, and my Neupogen should be here on my door step this afternoon, set and ready for when we start out new cocktail of craziness! I also have my trigger inject and plenty of femara set and ready to go too!! eeek! I cannot wait!! It is looking like late May, or early June when we will start everything...Or whenever AF shows after my follow up appt with Braverman, which is booked for 5/11/13, in Woodbury Long Island. Looks like I need to get my butt in gear and start my gluten free adventures again, and lose this weight!! I cannot wait to start back on our journey to a take home baby....THIS time, with a real CHANCE!!

Here are a few Vid's from my DR explaining some of the tests, treatments and immune mechanisms. The ones I am posting are relevant to me. NK cellls The one below is on still birth- caution for those easily triggered by such a topic. this one about PCOS

Yup- That is how I feel.... It is like the whole last month or so, finally HIT me fully...    This stuff is so over whelming...I cannot imagine how much of it just doesn't even make sense to most of you readers...I know, some of it does not even make sense to ME, and I have been researching this for OVER a year now! I am sorry if I ramble on and on and none of it makes sense...I try to explain the best I can, but even I have a hard time articulating all I have absorbed. I am trying to sift through all the stuff that is going on, and it really can feel like I am in some kind of some sci-fi experiment!    Reading up on all the specifics (and we still don't even have the FULL picture yet, and wont until the most recent labs come back) and the meds, and the protocols- I am going to be an injecting fool! LOL...Yikes. ( 4 injects a day!)  But I will do it, and be happy as a clam, so long as we get a take home baby! I am simply ecstatic ...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I took a shot AND asked the DR if he could send in a RX to see if the insurance I have NOW (not the crappy one I will have in 2 weeks) will cover the Neupogen I needed for the treatments....They covered  it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 70 bucks!!!!!!!! way better than 2 grand!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We may actually be able to pull this off if we save for the cycle fee and stuff!!! I am soooooooooooo over the moon!! Praise GOD!!!!!

I have so much to say....Its all just reeling in my head over and over,  but not really sinking in...Not sure of it was the HELLISH trip out of the city, or the darn GPS that was being stupid, or the cranky whiny kids, crying in the back, or the fact that I have not eaten all day, and my stomach is doing flip flops...But holy moly, I am zapped of energy, patience, and mental clarity...I will try to do the best I can to explain things..bare with me... First, he does not believe I have MS, but that the immune issues I have been facing from the losses is just manifesting it self a bit different. Basically the inflammation and activation in my body due to the losses etc, can really wreak havoc on the body. I will still go for the scan, with the other DR, but was glad to hear he didn't think it was it..still I have to see the Nero to rule that out. But, anyway... Then he went over all my losses, and the duration of each pregnancy etc...One thing he said , I though...

Today is the day!! The day I have been counting down to for what seems like for ever...Hopefully Braverman  can give us some hope and a plan that will work for us, and most importantly, not cost a arm and a leg! ...Here we go!!

We arrived yesterday evening in Long Island, safe and sound, despite a nasty winter storm that hit Northern/central NY...It was a MESS driving until we got down below Albany... (This was super clear roads compared to what it was like when we first started off! yikes! I could not even take pics, I was holding on the the door handle for dear life, praying we made it out alive!!) Then we were smooth sailing...No more issues, other than  the MINOR little issues with the GPS...lol We hit the Long Island parkway and the sun was shining, NO snow down here!! Today hubby and I are going out with the kids to enjoy the area, maybe walk around Jones beach a bit, and possibly head to the aquarium... I am feeling OK...A bit nervous...It has been SOOOO long since I have been thinking about and praying about seeing Braverman...Over a year, Since I started feeling like all of the issues I have faced are immune related...I was right...And we are in the process of seeing what it l...

  Of course, on the very last day of winter, we get slammed with a stupid ass snow storm...It dropped around 8 inches of snow and sleet, and made it just miserable enough for my  Nero to cancel my appt this morning and close the office (whimps!)... And, it is supposed to remain stupid and miserable enough, through the rest of the day, probably forcing us to hold off on traveling down to the city until tomorrow! GGrrrrr!!!!!!!!!! I am so miffed! I hate winter to begin with, and NY...But the ONE time I have crap tpo do and places to be this white shit has to slow me down...NOT happy today...Not at all....

Tears streaming down my face from all this pain... It can never be erased... It over takes me... It was not supposed to be like this... You should be here with me... I feel so incomplete... So,  I will hold you in my heart forever... Nothing take can your place, not ever...  Even though you are safe, in our father's arms Soaring far above the twinkling stars... My heart aches...Its just breaks...I miss you...

It all happens this week!!     I cannot wait to go and get all of these appts done and over with...The waiting has sucked, and anticipating what is going to happen sucks even more...I try not to "go there" and not think about what Braverman might have to say for our chances for the future and what a protocol with him would look like...But, Having seen and read a few other ladies stories with almost exact issues as mine, I can almost BET he is going to suggest  Neupogen , and some other variation of meds along with it...And unless by some miracle we can get supernatural coverage for meds or enough money for it, there is no way we will be able to try again for a very LONG time, and at that point, I am not sure I will want to "start over" and have a baby so far apart from my other children's ages...Then add in the stress of the Nero DR, and the Brain scan for MS crap...Stressful!! Anyway, Let's not go there just yet...I am trying, reallllllly hard to stay f...

Off the pill that is... Turns out the hormones in the pill are making my blood pressure a bit too high for my DR's comfort, and also there were some concerns about blood clots etc...Coupled with the fact that it has also failed me in the past even with proper usage, they said it was not worth the added risk, so I will just go off it and just use barrier methods for now.... No more hormonal contraceptives for me! I was really hoping to have a few good cycles of NO charting/tracking...But alas, my BBT and I meet again, after only a couple short weeks of a break....(Though, I did sneak a few temps in there this cycle, just out of habit...lol)... We are going to take the time (while using condoms until AF comes- yea I know, like you really care about our protection methods) to also treat for any Ureaplasma that may be in there in either of us. The treatment for that is 2 weeks of doxycyclene, taken twice a day, by both partners, and barrier method used for any sex, as to not tra...

I long to trust God with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength...It has proven to be much harder than I ever thought possible...This journey has made me so callous, and hesitant to trust anyone, or anything...But, some how some way, I will find a way to get past it, and trust again....

I decided to start doing my castor oil packs again...It is the perfect time. We are not TTC, it is not hot outside ( that makes laying with a heat pad a bit uncomfy when it is 90 degrees out), My youngest is still napping during the afternoon, leaving me plenty of time to lay down and rest at the same time, and do a castor oil pack...I did it for the first time today, in ages and ages, and it felt so very nice (I also added a few drops of lavender and clary sage to the mix, and it was delightful!)...I fell asleep actually, and woke up feeling so relaxed and refreshed....Here is some info on castor oil packs for those who do not know... Castor oil therapy has been used for centuries to promote healing in the body and more specifically the reproductive system. By applying a castor oil pack externally, positive benefits have been found. What is Castor Oil? Castor oil is derived from the seeds of the Castor plant (Ricinus communis), also known as Palma Christi. Castor oil has b...

My Appt with Braverman is just one week away! I cannot believe it! I have been counting down to this, for what seems like forever! I have all my labs and records ready to go, I have filled out the paper work online, and have set aside a few small things to pack... I am not really looking forward to the time it takes to get there though...5 hours driving...ugh...BUT, I believe it will be worth it...I have been reading posts and blogs all over the net, from those who have gone before me and gotten a rainbow baby after seeing Braverman, so I am going to suck it up, and think about the future when I start to feel like the trip is too daunting...It is going to be worth it...

This last weekend had to be the worst set of episodes I have had to date. I don't know if it is just psychological because I finally told some family and friends, and the DR what I have been experiencing for up close to a year now, or if it is just because, instead of brushing it off as something else,( like side effects from fertility meds etc)  I am paying closer attention to track symptoms... I spent the better part of the weekend, wrapped in my hubby's arms, with my left side numb/pins and needles and my vision going in and out...The numbness is like, when your foot falls asleep, and when you go to get up and walk on it, it hurts so bad...But instead of happening when there is no circulation, it feels like that for days on end, with NO relief.  My whole left side...The worst would happen in my left arm and hand and it would cause me to cry even just touching my husband and children...I find the episodes to get worse after I have been physical, or have gotten m...

I was able to get in for an appointment on March 19th with a Neuro - to get set up for a Brain scan....Which I have to say was quite a miracle... My primary DR was going to refer me to the group next door to them, but they were booking out 2+ months...That was NOT going to work for me. Our Insurance changes over April 2nd, and I have a HUGE deductible to reach before they even will touch 80/20 coverage, and the brain scan would only be covered 60%, leaving me with 40% to pay out of pocket, where, if I get it done now, I only a small co pay for the scan and office visit...So, I decided to call around. I must have called 15 places and they were all booking far out, even for emergent cases! yikes! Finally...The last place I called...They were able to get me an opening, and said they would bump me up if they had a cancellation! yay!! Not only does this make things much easier financially, but it also makes things MUCH less stressful not having to wait so long to rule thi...

So on top of everything else...I got word today, my primary DR wants to send me to a neurologist...They are concerned about multiple sclerosis ...I am going for a brain scan just as soon as I can get in and get set up with an appt.... And to just add insult to injury, we found out our second car has to be junked because the frame is rotted...The person ( dealer, not private seller) who sold it (just a year ago)  was a lying liar...Ugh.... I could use any and all prayers...Thanks...::sigh::

Today marks a new season for us...The season of healing... I started my period...And also started my birth control pills as well... We have decided to take a few months to re-group a bit, come up with a game plan with the new immuneologist, and save some $$, in hopes of being able to afford a round of immune treatments, once I am healthy, have lost a little weight, and have healed a little......I know I cannot ( even if we had the money) go right into this treatments and protocols....I need to have a time to rest and let the Lord restore me, and prepare me, and strengthen me and HEAL me, TOTALLY.... I am going to spend the next few months, focusing on the things I have in front of me already...I am going to work on growing closer to the Lord...I have let the grief and pain of loss,  keep me from drawing closer, and really leaning on him....Not intentionally,  just inadvertently... The hurt and pain, keeps me angry, bitter, jealous, sad and depressed...I ...

I found this great article, that does a good job of explaining exactly what is going on with us...And while I have not seen Braverman, my labs (and history) reflect this to a T, all the way down to the low T regs, the Th1 domination over Th2 etc...Just thought I would share this for those wondering what all of this stuff really means...Of course, this is just a faucet of the many ( Hashi's/PCOS/auto immune stuff) issues against us, but probably the one that will be the hardest to over come.. Alloimmune Implantation Dysfunction Every human being has two DQ-alpha genes. One is contributed by the father and the other by the mother. In a small percentage of patients undergoing IVF, paternal-maternal DQ-alpha gene similarities occur.In such cases, following repeated exposures to such genetically matching embryos, this will provoke activation of the decidual immune system. In most cases, through the mechanisms described above, this will lead to NK/CTL activation and reproductive f...

Sooo.......I got  all the insurance info for our new insurance plan ( DH's company phased out the better plan we had to "cut costs") effective April 2nd, and I decided called in to ask about the two( IVIG and Nuepogen)  meds that we would need ( most likely, as they are the only two options for out issues) to use...Yea, NOT covered, not even in the slightest- As in they don't even have a "high co pay" option available, they just don't cover it at all.... =( AND, to top it all  off, the premium is more expensive, we have a higher deductible AND more OOP costs... Blood work is no longer 100% covered, instead is 80/20- and when you run 6 grand in blood work a pop even 20% is a lot of money...And that is IF reprosource is even "IN NETWORK"...If not then I pay 40 %! =( I am soooo frustrated!!!! I hate that this has to be so hard, and I hate that insurance companies are so stupid, and I hate that the meds are so darn expensive! I just really...

I'll call you savior...When Pain surrounds, I'll you healer...

For those stalking my chart and wondering if I finally tested again... I broke down this morning, and there was still a super faint line..About the same as it was 4 days ago...I know it is not the trigger still (15 days past today) but there was def no real progression...Just a super faint, faint line (on on all 3 tests). I had this feeling we caught the eggy, but as soon as I got the news about the matches, I just knew it would not stick....I wanted to hope for a miracle, but I just knew, which was why I did not obsess over testing for a couple days, cause, well, why waste tests and get excited for nothing? So, I got my RX for some birth control from the RE...I will stop progesterone tonight, and then as soon as AF shows, I start my pill pack, and stay on it for a few months, while we wait to see the DR, and save/come up with a game plan on how we are going to afford the treatments.... In the mean time, going to do the "get healthy" thing again...DH and I both booked ...