Purpose Driven Motherhood

This song, (below) and the meaning behind it, and why it was written touched me greatly.... I realized after hearing it, I have held on so tight to my pain and grief, because it is where I could find identity. I felt as though I was not "normal enough" having had so many struggles to fit in with all the mom's who have many kids, and I have kids so I don't fit in the infertile world, and because of our numerous losses, it is easy to find a niche in the loss community, and because of that, I held on to my identity in my grief with a death grip....I have lingered too long in that place of despair...I let my fears run wild, and my faith and trust in God run dry.... Its time to move on, into a new place....My grief will never end, but I must take those next steps into the passageway, and let it evolve instead of grasping at it trying to "stay" right where I am.... I believe this song, was a turning point for me, and has helped me see what I needed t...

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas....Many prayers to those who are dealing with difficult circumstances, and missing loved ones this year...

 I am re-blogging this, because I happened to stumble on this post this morning on my FB news feed via Still Standing and it so touched my heart...I am still in tears now from reading it...I know there is someone else out there that NEEDS to read this today....( link below) I SEE YOU........

It seems I am coming out of the funk I have been in for the last couple weeks...I wont even try and pretend that I am "all better" and things are rainbows and butterflies....Cause, we all know that would be a bunch of BS! BUT, I do not feel as isolated, alone, depressed , hurt, angry or as sad as I was feeling a few days back when I posted "drifting"...And I thank all of you, who reached out to me, and were REALLY there...The ones who didn't just spit out cliche's like " be thankful you don't have cancer etc, or like "It could be worse"......Thank you again for just being there, not having the answers, not pretending to have them, and just letting me vent, and cry... Now let me be clear...Those feelings I posted about a couple days ago are still there under the surface...They don't just magically go away because I made a post, and vented, and cried and got "real"...Those feelings are apart of the journey I am going to ha...

I WILL NOT, ever let another person/ or people make me feel "less than" because I am still grieving and hurting, and have "BAD days" sometimes...No matter how many "blessings"we have or how many "good things" I have in my life to look to to find JOY in...I still HURT.... EVERY. single. day....I MISS my BABIES who are not able to be in our arms.....No amount of amazing things that come our way will ever take that away...Those babies...Those precious little lives were apart of me, and will always be in my heart...I will NOT apologize for feeling the way I do...The day you walk a mile in MY shoes is the day you can TELL ME how to feel/think/act/grieve and tell me when it is time to "move on" or what is "normal" to feel...

I feel like I am drifting... Drifting away from so many things...Family,  Friendships, Support groups etc... 2/3  year agos, heck, even a year ago, I found comfort in in a LOT of things, despite our difficult set of circumstances, I had a lot of things to cling on to, including support from numerous people from all over the world it seemed like...I was hell bent on being as isolated as I could about our situation IRL, so I could keep the negative comments and naysayers out...But I always had at least one or two good groups where I could go to online, and totally feel uplifted, encouraged, and snag a glimmer of hope from..... But slowly, over the last year, I have felt myself drift away from those once sacred sanctuaries of support and comfort...I have found that I no longer find solace there....I feel like I don't fit in anywhere anymore... Instead, I feel hurt, bitterness, anger and a DEEP dark ache in my heart that overtakes me, and begs me to just delete ...

I have been a funk...Not really much to say that has not already been said before..I feel like such a broken record....But I guess I should start somewhere, and give a little update of some kind... I have posted a few picture quotes that reflects some of how I am feeling, but I cannot seem to articulate MY feelings right now, in a personal way that is comprehensible to others, and doesn't make me look like an ungrateful bitch... I guess I will start off by saying, we had another chemical this last cycle...( + test's at 6/7 dpo- 9 dpo, (I tested early cause I almost threw up while socially smoking a cigg and having a drink with my friend and I didnt temp so I didn't know really where my cycle was for sure) and by 10 dpo tests had faded some, and AF came the NEXT day, even while still taking 800 mgs of progesterone supps (which I did start late at 7dpo, the day I got my first positive but none the less), giving me a whopping 10 day LP...=/ Here is one of my FRER's f...

I just wanted to send a quick shout out to all my friends out here in the blogger world! I hope you have all had a restful, peaceful and BLESSED day, no matter where you are... Today....I am THANKFUL for ALL of you out there who have encouraged, and supported me through the last 3 years of this LONG hard journey...Knowing I have a few (more than a few I guess..lol) women out there who REALLY "get it" and can laugh, cry, and grieve right along with me has been priceless and very meaningful to me....Most of you I have never even met in person, yet I feel a connection to this community of women on such a deep level,  am not even  sure there are words to describe it...Thank you ALL so VERY much, for every comment, prayer and message I have received over the years...It means more to me than you will ever know!! To those who are struggling right now, with some VERY difficult times/curcumatces in life, and may be having a hard time finding things to be thankful for and stay tha...

I have seen this song circulating around on social media a lot in the last few weeks...It touched me right from the first time I ever heard it...I have seen it touch many others as well, in many different ways...I recently saw a post by Holly at Oh Baby,Baby (who is in my prayers daily) that touched my heart, and just made me reflect how this song has impacted me as well... There are many ways one can "relate" to the lyrics in this song...For me, I recently found myself in a place where I was so broken, no... CRUSHED. I felt so totally abandoned by God, I was just begging him to "say something" to me... ANYTHING... I was "giving up on" some of my most intimate and special hopes and dreams, and it felt like I was having to say goodbye to the promises I felt HE gave me 4 years ago, that I was once so sure of ... Of course I will NEVER "give up" on my Lord Jesus, as he will NEVER and has never, ever given up on me.....But I know there are ma...

Actively TTC with injects, meds, ultrasounds, blood draws, thousands of dollars spent while dealing with immune related recurrent/ectopic pregnancy loss looks like.... Tears streaming down my face from all this pain... It can never be erased... sometimes, it just overtakes me... It was not supposed to be like this... You should be here with me... So,  I will hold you in my heart forever... Nothing take can your place, not ever...  Even though you are safe, in our father's arms Soaring far above the twinkling stars... My heart aches...Its just breaks...I miss you... I never got to hold you in my arms... I never got to see you smile.... You never got to see the sunshine, or  watch the clouds pass by... I was not supposed to be like this.... you should be here with me... So,  I will hold you in my heart forever... Nothing take can your place, not ever...  Even though you are safe, in o...

Ok... So....The big news? We are moving!.......... =) Some of you know we went to California to visit family a couple weeks back...What was a family vacation at the start, turned into scoping out a plan to relocate after a few days..... There are MANY reasons we want to/have wanted to leave New York...MANY...One, being TAXES...Holy hell, do they sock it to ya here in the Big freaking apple...Two being, the freaking COLD...I hate the cold, dreary weather in the winter, and sticky, nasty HUMID summers...Three. we need to get into a house that fits our budget better. We originally planned on going to North Carolina. But after spending 12 days back in my old hometown of Big Bear, Lake Arrowhead, CA area...Both DH and I were ready to come back to NY and pack up right away to move out there! If only it were that easy! LOL. We have MUCH to do...The biggest thing? Selling this house! The transfer part for DH with his job is pretty easy, and the district managers already have things in...

This is song is one of the most amazing songs I have ever heard...This was originally a spontaneous prophetic song, done at IHOP by Misty Edwards...I feel like this speaks to me in so many, many ways...It is from the perspective of God, speaking to us...I thought I would share this with you all....maybe someone else really needs to hear this song as much as I did, and still do...I listen to it every day...Blessings

I don't have tons of time...we are washing clothes and packing...Tomorrow is our last full day here in CA....It has been an amazing trip! (outside of AF showing like 5 days early! UGH)...But here is a bunch of pics! We have TONS of video to be uploaded and such...But here are a few snaps from my Iphone!  (our room etc) The pool on the roof of the #rd floor....  we had so much fun- the pics are only a few...The suite had 3 room! and a sitting area etc! we bunked with my parents as well, so we could spend quality time with the grandparents for the kids...and well...I needed some "mommy and me time" with  MY mommy =) (pictured to the left- watching the kids swim on a break from the park)                                                                        ...

In about 15 mins we will head off down the road, to Anaheim, CA to take the kids on a surprise trip to Disneyland!! We are staying the night at the Paradise Pier, Disney hotel!! Pics to follow soon!!!!!!! =)

After 12 hours of travel and several delays, traffic , almost dying a few times on the 10 and the 2010, due to total JERKS- I mean, I live in NY, and people there are nuts, but wow, I was appalled....So much so, I gave him a very "friendly" hand sign to let him know just how much I "appreciated" his lack of ability to follow simple traffic laws...We finally made it to the Hyw 330 to go up the mountain...Thankful Just in time, because 5 minutes after we showed up at my mom's they closed the road for like a couple hours...We totally got tailgated , even by a freaking police officer...ugh...and after all that out my son gets car sick...We finally made it safe and sound...Have been resting most of the day today, trying to get the jet lag out of our systems.....I am sooooooo happy to be here!! This is exactly what I needed right now...So healing to be with family... Here are a few random snapshots.... ...