Wednesday, December 25, 2013

I'm holding nothing back...

This song, (below) and the meaning behind it, and why it was written touched me greatly....

I realized after hearing it, I have held on so tight to my pain and grief, because it is where I could find identity. I felt as though I was not "normal enough" having had so many struggles to fit in with all the mom's who have many kids, and I have kids so I don't fit in the infertile world, and because of our numerous losses, it is easy to find a niche in the loss community, and because of that, I held on to my identity in my grief with a death grip....I have lingered too long in that place of despair...I let my fears run wild, and my faith and trust in God run dry....

Its time to move on, into a new place....My grief will never end, but I must take those next steps into the passageway, and let it evolve instead of grasping at it trying to "stay" right where I am....

I believe this song, was a turning point for me, and has helped me see what I needed to see in myself, and reaffirm what I know to be true in my heart  about the God that I serve and love....

I will make mistakes...I will stumble, fall, and have setbacks...But I am going to try and let go of that tight grip that once held on to my grief so very tightly, and lay down my pain and burdens and stop holding back ...

Here is the info (below) on the meaning behind the song, why it was written and a little info about the artist....(below that, is the video)

“Holding Nothing Back” was birthed during a season of extreme personal heartache and uncertainty. On the heels of the death of my mother from bone cancer; the miscarriage of our twins; the division of our home church; and a series of setbacks in my music career—in the midst of this fiery storm—I found myself very disillusioned with God, shaking my fist at Him in anger. I remember questioning if He really actually loves me, and if He's actually good. I was at a point where I was yelling at him saying, "I don't trust You!"

During this time, I felt the "still, small voice" of the Lord. He began to ask me, “If you were to lose everything, would I still be enough for you as your God, as your Savior?” I was extremely convicted and began to weep, knowing I had put my hope and security in things and people rather than in Jesus. I immediately began to pray with a broken, repugnant heart, literally saying the words, "Jesus, I don't want anything coming in between You and me; It doesn't mater what I have to go through, I’m holding nothing back from You." 

I’ve come to understand that I can be transparent and vulnerable before the Lord. I can tell Him how I feel. I can scream and cry out in agony, because I know He can handle it. He knows how I feel and He’s never surprised by the trials I’m facing. He's never shocked by my failures and mistakes. His ways are always higher than mine, and He's using those circumstances to bring me into the mainstream of His purposes for my life. 

My prayer is that this song encourages people to live vulnerably, to share their testimony. It's our testimony that ministers to others who are struggling in their seasons of heartache and uncertainty. I hope that we are all encouraged daily to not hold anything back from God, but rather to come boldly to Him with confidence and pour out our hearts. He delights in our willingness to acknowledge the brokenness in our lives. 

When we are weak, He is strong. He always uses the broken to do the miraculous. He uses the things that seem foolish to blow the minds of wise people. - See more at:


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