Monday, December 16, 2013

Slowly...

It seems I am coming out of the funk I have been in for the last couple weeks...I wont even try and pretend that I am "all better" and things are rainbows and butterflies....Cause, we all know that would be a bunch of BS!

BUT, I do not feel as isolated, alone, depressed , hurt, angry or as sad as I was feeling a few days back when I posted "drifting"...And I thank all of you, who reached out to me, and were REALLY there...The ones who didn't just spit out cliche's like " be thankful you don't have cancer etc, or like "It could be worse"......Thank you again for just being there, not having the answers, not pretending to have them, and just letting me vent, and cry...

Now let me be clear...Those feelings I posted about a couple days ago are still there under the surface...They don't just magically go away because I made a post, and vented, and cried and got "real"...Those feelings are apart of the journey I am going to have to face as we walk through healing....It wont be easy, this much I know....And I will have "bad" days again...despite my BEST efforts, because grief is not linear, and does not have a specific time line...Some days (most) are good...Some are REALLY bad...

But today, it is ( our journey, grief, healing etc) NOT overtaking.....Today, I can see the silver lining, and see the JOY and HOPE in my life that was once overshadowed by the deepest hurt and grief just a few days prior...

Today, I have control over my emotions, and it is not like being hit by a tsunami....Today, I can breathe in, fully, without feeling like my chest might explode  from anxiety and feeling so "out of control", and I can exhale without  burning tears that feel like acid as they trickle out of my eyes and down my cheeks...Today is a new day....

I do believe that some of the craziness I was dealing with in the last week was brought on by hormonal junk...I *think* whatever it was we had last cycle, be it a chemical or whatever, messed with me physically. I bled for almost 9 days after, and have had some pretty nasty pain (close to ovulation pain, but no where near O time, so not sure what thats about)...AND my thyroid feels a bit swollen (gets hard to swallow, feels like a lump) which happens just before/during a Hashi's swing, (when my TSH fluctuates) which also plays a HUGE role in being able to control emotions etc....

So not only am I fighting a battle in myself emotionally (from grief, PTSD etc)  but I am also contending with factors (physically) that I cannot control, like PCOS issues, thyroid etc...Those all factor in to how your day can go and how you respond and react to situations placed in front of you...

Then add in some well meaning comments that only, in the end, did more hurting than healing... and on top of THAT I had to endure even more comments that were 100% malicious in nature, and were only meant to attack and HURT (targeted at me, specifically when I was at my lowest, (probably to make them selves feel better because they are insecure with their own grief and feelings)....It was like the ingredients for a "perfect storm"...And that is exactly what happened...

The "storm" raged on inside of me for a couple days, as I cried and cried and screamed and cried...At God, at myself, at my husband (non deserving) and then again at myself and God...I just basically let it all out....

Then, after I was done screaming and being mad, I grabbed a paint brush and painted about 4 rooms in my house over a 8 hour period. I didn't eat...I didn't drink.... I hardly stopped to pee...I just kept going...Painting...Covering over the old, drab, scuffed up colors, and slathering on the new, crisp and clean colors, that seems to brighten up everything around me and illuminate the rooms with a new glow.......

All the while, I was crying, while stroking the paint filled brush...Tears streaming down my face, landing on my shirt, and mixing with paint splatters as they gently hit the floor....Not a sound in the house, except for my sobs, and strokes of a brush....(an occasional "oh shit!" as I messed up edging  now and again! LOL)......I was a MESS....My house was a mess...Remnants of paint, spackling, painters tape etc....Everything was a MESS!

But, after all was said and done, when the paint had dried and I cleaned up the mess I had made, both in the house and on me (paint remnants) ... I was showered, clean, and tired as heck, and I realized....I had no more tears to cry...which was strange, and new for me....

I looked at what I had accomplished and for the first time in a couple days....I smiled....A real, genuine, non forced smile...I did something of value, even in the midst of tremendous grief, hurt, anger and sadness...I found a way to take those immense emotions I was dealing with, (compiled with the crap other has heaped on me in my time of grief)  that were threatening to overtake me, and redirected it....I (yes ME... Not my husband, not God not a comforting word from a friend...I did it) was able to pull myself out of the pit...And in the end, did something productive on top of it...

As much as I love THIS outlet to vent my words and feeling...Sometimes, I think it is best to leave certain things unsaid, and just work off the emotions with a project, and if, at the end of that project, you still feel the same way, then perhaps it is worth writing down and getting out...

Trying to find words to articulate how you feel can be soooo very hard...Hard for anyone, but harder when you are really emotional, and really grieving....Occasionally, when you do finally, find some kind of "words" that closely can convey whats swirling in your head,  it ends up being misunderstood, and a detriment to you and those around you, who cannot comprehend, (by no fault of yours or theirs) so taking a while to pause, and not just go into "auto pilot" blog mode, where everything falls on to a page with no filter, can be good.  Something I need to learn to do better...

For so long, I just used this as a personal journal to kind of talk and vent through all we were dealing with....At the start, I never imagined anyone would really even pay attention to my words, or care much about my blog, since there are what, 500,000 some odd blogs out there with some of the same topical issues I talk about on here...Certainly no one wants to read my crap! But I have realized slowly, that, what I say does matter....people DO care, and when I am flippant with my words, be it from my mouth or via a keyboard, I have the potential to hurt others and in turn, hurt myself, causing more pain, isolation and eventually depression.....For anyone I have offended or hurt with my words, (intentionally, or not) I am truly sorry....Really, really sorry...

So, while Blogging can be VERY therapeutic, I guess I would caution anyone who starts to get more followers and views, to be on the lookout and be ready for anything....At anytime, the words you share on this kind of place/forum/site can be taken out of context, twisted and even used against you if you are not careful...I have seen it happen to others and have experienced it now, first hand myself...But slowly, I am learning my lessons in blogging world...I am learning how to "pause' and reflect before hitting "publish" button, and really be sure I  know what I am saying before all my feelings, thoughts and depths of my grief and soul are bared for all to see on a page, and left open for anyone to use or misuse them....Its a eye opening lesson for sure....


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