I feel like I am drifting...
Drifting away from so many things...Family, Friendships, Support groups etc...
2/3 year agos, heck, even a year ago, I found comfort in in a LOT of things, despite our difficult set of circumstances, I had a lot of things to cling on to, including support from numerous people from all over the world it seemed like...I was hell bent on being as isolated as I could about our situation IRL, so I could keep the negative comments and naysayers out...But I always had at least one or two good groups where I could go to online, and totally feel uplifted, encouraged, and snag a glimmer of hope from.....
But slowly, over the last year, I have felt myself drift away from those once sacred sanctuaries of support and comfort...I have found that I no longer find solace there....I feel like I don't fit in anywhere anymore...
Instead, I feel hurt, bitterness, anger and a DEEP dark ache in my heart that overtakes me, and begs me to just delete myself from the world, both online and in reality (not like suicide or anything, just to be clear!)....I just want to go into hiding...
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It isn't that the women in those groups are not amazing, strong, inspiring women...They ARE...It isn't because someone said anything "rude" or insensitive.....Its not because I no longer receive support, encouragement and prayers from them, because I do....
In fact, it is NOTHING anyone has done wrong, or didn't do right...
It is ME...
I am bitter, angry, sad, desperate, grieved, broken, and dead inside...Lifeless...And TODAY, I am ....
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Because our situation is so complex, I find I am unable to relate to anyone anymore...Our journey is so different and individual, and totally not the "norm", that it makes it hard to look at others who have had major struggles and then are successful with joy or hope, as they move on, because they didn't have the SAME struggles as we do, and only VERY FEW people in the WORLD share our same kind of issues, and the ONLY ones that were successful, and got a take home baby, had a BOATload of money to spend to get there, something we do NOT have the luxury of having...
I don't even feel like I "fit in" with those doing ART,because most of them are dealing with primary infertility, and they don't even GET how I could possibly still want more, or why I would keep trying and trying loss after loss, when I could just "live my life and be happy with what we have, since they would give ANYTHING just for ONE"...
NOT to mention, even IF we decided to start embarking on IVF/ART stuff, it would be only the TIP of the iceberg that we would be having to tackle...In addition to IVF we would need between 10- 15 grand worth of immune meds, on top of the cost of IVF just to give us a CHANCE at a ET sticking...And even THEN, we have a triple the normal chance of having a 2nd or 3rd trimester loss once weaned off the immune meds...So we could lose our baby at ANY time, and there is NOTHING we could do to stop it...Not many have those kind of shitty ass cards handed to them, and not many can even come close to understanding the pain we have endured with SO MANY losses...People TRY, out of love and care and concern, but it wont ever happen....NO ONE will ever even grasp the depths of the pain I have faced and still face today...And because of that, I am finding myself slowly isolating even more than ever before...
Its painful to watch everyone you have rooted for "move on" to babyland, some for the 2nd and 3rd time since we started this journey...It not that you are not really, truly happy for them! (believe me, I am!) BUT, I am sad for US.... Knowing I probably won't ever join them in that JOY is just horrendous...
Its even more painful to see everyone moving on so effortlessly, they seem to forget what they have been through even, and I see them doing and complaining about the same things they complained about other people doing!... And then eventually, they get so wrapped up with life, their new baby and the JOY it all brings, they forget about the groups that once were their lifeline, and a new group of women come in, all just starting out new, and it starts all over...I root and root for everyone, they get the sticky's, move on, and another round and another round...
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I am afraid that if by some strange chance, we EVER do get a miracle baby, there won't even be anyone I KNOW left to celebrate with me... No one who REALLY knows the details of our struggles fully, or walked with me through each step...I am afraid that everyone that has walked this with me the last 3 years has or will have moved on, and left behind the past journey of pain, and all the reminders that came with it, including those of us who didn't get the long awaited rainbow...
I am drifting in a sea of pain and deep hurt....I am drifting away into isolation, and I know it isn't good, but I just dont know how much more I can be happy for everyone else when MY heart is shattered in a MILLION peices, and NO ONE can do anything to help me heal, or help us have a baby, or fix this ridiculous, horrible diagnosis, or give us a million dollars to blow on ART that may or may not bring us a baby.....I know after losing Hannah, having my baby, kaitlyn, really DID heal a part of me that nothing else ever could have...Seeing LIFE again, after so much death, does bring healing, and I am not sure we will ever see that again from MY body, and that HURTS....It just make me feel like drifting even further away....I am just drifting...far away...
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Drifting away from so many things...Family, Friendships, Support groups etc...
2/3 year agos, heck, even a year ago, I found comfort in in a LOT of things, despite our difficult set of circumstances, I had a lot of things to cling on to, including support from numerous people from all over the world it seemed like...I was hell bent on being as isolated as I could about our situation IRL, so I could keep the negative comments and naysayers out...But I always had at least one or two good groups where I could go to online, and totally feel uplifted, encouraged, and snag a glimmer of hope from.....
But slowly, over the last year, I have felt myself drift away from those once sacred sanctuaries of support and comfort...I have found that I no longer find solace there....I feel like I don't fit in anywhere anymore...
Instead, I feel hurt, bitterness, anger and a DEEP dark ache in my heart that overtakes me, and begs me to just delete myself from the world, both online and in reality (not like suicide or anything, just to be clear!)....I just want to go into hiding...
It isn't that the women in those groups are not amazing, strong, inspiring women...They ARE...It isn't because someone said anything "rude" or insensitive.....Its not because I no longer receive support, encouragement and prayers from them, because I do....
In fact, it is NOTHING anyone has done wrong, or didn't do right...
It is ME...
I am bitter, angry, sad, desperate, grieved, broken, and dead inside...Lifeless...And TODAY, I am ....
Because our situation is so complex, I find I am unable to relate to anyone anymore...Our journey is so different and individual, and totally not the "norm", that it makes it hard to look at others who have had major struggles and then are successful with joy or hope, as they move on, because they didn't have the SAME struggles as we do, and only VERY FEW people in the WORLD share our same kind of issues, and the ONLY ones that were successful, and got a take home baby, had a BOATload of money to spend to get there, something we do NOT have the luxury of having...
I don't even feel like I "fit in" with those doing ART,because most of them are dealing with primary infertility, and they don't even GET how I could possibly still want more, or why I would keep trying and trying loss after loss, when I could just "live my life and be happy with what we have, since they would give ANYTHING just for ONE"...
NOT to mention, even IF we decided to start embarking on IVF/ART stuff, it would be only the TIP of the iceberg that we would be having to tackle...In addition to IVF we would need between 10- 15 grand worth of immune meds, on top of the cost of IVF just to give us a CHANCE at a ET sticking...And even THEN, we have a triple the normal chance of having a 2nd or 3rd trimester loss once weaned off the immune meds...So we could lose our baby at ANY time, and there is NOTHING we could do to stop it...Not many have those kind of shitty ass cards handed to them, and not many can even come close to understanding the pain we have endured with SO MANY losses...People TRY, out of love and care and concern, but it wont ever happen....NO ONE will ever even grasp the depths of the pain I have faced and still face today...And because of that, I am finding myself slowly isolating even more than ever before...
Its painful to watch everyone you have rooted for "move on" to babyland, some for the 2nd and 3rd time since we started this journey...It not that you are not really, truly happy for them! (believe me, I am!) BUT, I am sad for US.... Knowing I probably won't ever join them in that JOY is just horrendous...
Its even more painful to see everyone moving on so effortlessly, they seem to forget what they have been through even, and I see them doing and complaining about the same things they complained about other people doing!... And then eventually, they get so wrapped up with life, their new baby and the JOY it all brings, they forget about the groups that once were their lifeline, and a new group of women come in, all just starting out new, and it starts all over...I root and root for everyone, they get the sticky's, move on, and another round and another round...
.jpg)
I am afraid that if by some strange chance, we EVER do get a miracle baby, there won't even be anyone I KNOW left to celebrate with me... No one who REALLY knows the details of our struggles fully, or walked with me through each step...I am afraid that everyone that has walked this with me the last 3 years has or will have moved on, and left behind the past journey of pain, and all the reminders that came with it, including those of us who didn't get the long awaited rainbow...
I am drifting in a sea of pain and deep hurt....I am drifting away into isolation, and I know it isn't good, but I just dont know how much more I can be happy for everyone else when MY heart is shattered in a MILLION peices, and NO ONE can do anything to help me heal, or help us have a baby, or fix this ridiculous, horrible diagnosis, or give us a million dollars to blow on ART that may or may not bring us a baby.....I know after losing Hannah, having my baby, kaitlyn, really DID heal a part of me that nothing else ever could have...Seeing LIFE again, after so much death, does bring healing, and I am not sure we will ever see that again from MY body, and that HURTS....It just make me feel like drifting even further away....I am just drifting...far away...
I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you. I know I could write (okay, type) an entire novel and it won't change how you feel or help by any means. But I just want you to know that someone truly does care about you and is here.
ReplyDeleteThank you <3 I know there ARE people who care, but I wonder if they are getting as sick of hearing about our struggles and losses as I am as sick of having them and dealing with it...I feel more like a burden anymore these days...The "bitter one" who should just be "thankful and happy" ...Wanna bet this blog would have TONS more supporters if I was dealin with primary infertility...I can guarantee it would! But because I have kids already my losses are "sad and unfortunate" but not nearly as "devastating" or earth shattering as someone who does not have kids...at least that how it feels from the community these days...But I can tell you, my earth and heart is shattered in a million pieces and I feel like I have no where to go...NO where to turn....
DeleteI have nothing helpful to say, really, other than hang on. I know you'll be receiving so many prayers and positive thoughts from people who read this. I'm saying a prayer for comfort and peace. Many blessings to you...
ReplyDeleteIt truly sounds to me like there is a deep deep sadness in you - which I suspect no number of babies or pregnancies would ever solve or repair. I hope you will be able to find a way to find healing and stop the cycle of despair that you seem to be sinking into. You are blessed to have several sweet children, yet do not seem happy - many many women, as you know, cannot have any, and certainly no one is 'owed' any children at all. We receive what we receive (and what our bodies can handle) -- there are just so many factors that come into play in terms of health, genes, luck, etc. I know you are in pain, and you describe the yearning of your youngest for another. But surely then another baby would mean another youngest yearning to be a big sister/brother? (Will there ever be enough babies to bring you peace and fill the hole within you?) I hope you can find a way to find peace and comfort in the little lives and blessings that already surround you. If you don't mind an outsider speculating, I wonder if you are trying on some level to "save" the babies you lost and bring them back? Your sadness, in the way you express it, sounds like a wound that cannot be healed. You have my sincerest sympathy and I hope that you are seeking help to sort through this with a professional. Mary M.
ReplyDeleteInteresting perspective, however, this is not a case of "addicted ot pregnancy and little babies"....This goes way back to a PROMISE I was given BY GOD about having another child. I detail that info at the VERY start of this blog back in 2011...If you are NEW to reading my blog, I ask that you read my story in it's entirety before you make assumptions on my grief...
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