Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Some days are better than others...

Some days, I feel like letting go and taking this break is going to be the best thing for me...I think of all I will accomplish, and how much I can gain from pouring my energy into my relationships with friends and family and God....I can focus on music, lose some weight, get the whole house ( basement and elsewhere totally organized and clean etc)...I can enjoy the summer without peeing on sticks and making sure our BD timing is perfect...so many freedoms...

Then, some days, I feel like I have been defeated. And it crushes me inside...I think about how it will be at least another year or more before we even have the slimmest chance of  meeting our take home baby...I see all the ladies I was buddies with on various forums, who have already had their babies and are pregnant as well, some for a second  time after a term birth! I cannot believe I am still here....I was always one of the "fertile myrtles" and never had an issue for this long that prevented me from having another baby...It is eye opening, to walk in another woman's shoes, and feel the hurt, and disappointment, and sadness from loss and TTC for months and months on end....I would not wish this on my worst enemy...Not in a million years. This kind of hurt is so deep, and overtaking, it drowns you in the sorrow and bitterness and envy...

I know one day, we will look back and see God hand in most of this...And when we finally have our rainbow, I will know it was the "right time"...I just wish I knew now, why right now, is not the best time, so it would make it a little easier to walk away.

Anyway....Update on ectopic:
I had my labs done last wed, and they came in at 78. They administered the metho shot, and I had my labs done again on Sunday. Those came in at 62. So it dropped down a little. I went in for another beta on Tuesday evening, I should hear back some time today what those results are...Really praying it is dropped down more, and we are a bit closer to 0. I really just want to move on...Every time I try to let go and just live life, I am reminded of this pregnancy, not only from the side effects from the shot, but I can't eat certain things or do certain things till my HCG is neg, so I am stuck, remembering.....Day after day....I just want it to be OVER!!

I never thought I would be excited about starting birth control, but honesty, I think it will be GOOD to know I do not have to worry about protection and abstaining and still charting etc, while we are not TTC. I find even just a little bit of TTC madness ( like charting, even for abstaining reasons) makes me want to just keep trying, and then I am on FF more, and then I get even more bummed out cause  everyone is on a different level...And It makes the depression worse....This way, I can really let go, and just get out of the TTC mind frame for a bit...I am going to adjust my vitamins and supps, go on a nice cleanse, and then south beach diet, to lose  some weight...Start running again etc...If I out as much effort into weight loss as I did TTC, I would have done lost this extra 40 pounds ages ago! LOL...

OK I am rambling...

1 comment:

  1. Hi there! I have been following your blog for while now and just wanted to say that I am so sorry that you have gone through so much in the past year. It is just so unfair that some people have to go through all of this pain and suffering while others have it so easy. I hope that your levels get back to zero quickly so that you can take a much needed break from all of this. Hopefully after your break you have a renewed spirit and you'll get your rainbow. You deserve it! Hang in there. Hugs!

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