Friday, June 1, 2012

It hit me...

At about Noon, I  peered up from my laptop to look at the time...I thought to myself, "Hey it is already 12, and so far I have not broken down yet and turned into a teary, raging mess...we are doing good!!"...In fact, I made it till about 3:30...

Then it all came crashing down on me...

I can no longer numb  it...I can't run and hide, or stuff my face with chocolate, while watching 90210 and laughing at the silliness forgetting my pain...I can no longer hide behind positive scriptures and encouraging quotes.....I can't do it....

I got up and tried to do some cleaning, to get my mind off of it all.... But instead, I made it to the sink, turned the water on...Then, dropped to my knees, sobbing...I can't keep pretending this is not ripping me to pieces on the inside...I cannot pretend that I don't feel like a failure. I can't pretend that I am not angry....Angry at  my body...angry at God  for letting me endure all of this pain...Angry at all thr "well meaning advice"  I have been getting...As if the opinions of the 7 different dr's who cannot help or find answers for me was not enough, now I have people online trying to PLAY dr's and "fix me"...I cannot pretend that I don;t want to kill the next person to tell me to "relax and give it to God", as if my faith the last 15 months was not good enough...

I sit here....Trying to type between the tears rolling down my cheeks...Intoxicated with pain.... so deep I can hardly breathe...I don't want to move...

It is as if the the entire last 15 months just flashed through my mind...bringing back all the pain I masked with "Hope"...All the sorrow I held back, so "sure" that the next one would be "it"....It hit me like a ton of bricks....

I am a mess, and I cannot pick up the pieces anymore...I cannot keep going on like this...I just feel like I am trapped in a bad dream, I will never wake up from...

Please God, give me peace to make it through another day...

3 comments:

  1. Hey girl...you are DEFINATELY in my thots and prayers...Just stalked your blog to see if you had updated, and my heart is TRUELY broken for you....I have only had 1 miscarriage and I was tore up, so i cannot even fathom the pain you are having to deal with. I know there is no advice that I can give you or anything that would make the pain go away that you are feeling, so I am just sending you an ONLINE hug and shoulder. Thinking of you!!! Tera (mads)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh dear, there just aren't words. I don't know how it feels and I don't have any advice. You are an incredibly strong woman! And as you know, if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it. Just know I'm praying for you!! *tight hug*

    ReplyDelete
  3. I just read this, so sorry!! There are not words to say. I only wish that life was fair.

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for any and all comments, I don't always have time to respond, but I appreciate each and every one of them....I also thank you for being respectful while commenting on my blog-