Skip to main content

Hard day...

I started bleeding today...It makes things feel so final...

I went to church, and just poured out my heart...I told God, that despite the circumstances, I would praise him, and give him my love. It was hard...In the midst of so much grief...I was bought back to each and every moment in the last year...back to each loss. with every one, the pain seems to grow even deeper and deeper...I know God has brought us to this place, and led us to have another baby, so I frustrates me to no end to wonder WHY I have to keep enduring this...WHY  does this keep happening...Why Me? I have said and done all the "right things". I have spoken scriptures and spoken LIFE over myself each day I was pregnant...I forced myself to HOPE and stay positive...fasted, prayed...re evaluated...and yet, I am still here, and cannot come to grips with "giving up" because I KNOW we were called to have another child...

I sat there this morning, trying not to be angry, trying to wrap my heard around this happening again....when a BRAND new baby comes through the doors...talk about adding insult to injury...I could feel my chest tighten like it just might explode...My heart breaking all over again. Then, bitterness... That should be ME...I should be holding my baby not grieving a 8th loss in a year...After all we have been though, why ME!?? why do I keep having to endure this...I know God has a plan, and I do not believe for ONE second that he made this happen, but I just keep asking...why can't I have my miracle yet? what am I doing wrong? I have been pouring my heart and soul believing for a miracle, and here I am again, empty inside and broken...

I know better days are ahead...God help me....


Comments

  1. Megan, I am so sorry! I ask myself that same question almost everyday...Why did I have to lose my child and watch women get pregnant carry their baby to term and be fine. Why do we have to suffer. I don't have an answer, and I so wish that I did, but I know that God is good, all the time and all the time God is good.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Thanks for any and all comments,

Popular posts from this blog

What you should know if you are considering a tubal reversal

Its been 8 years. 8 years since we took a trip to NC to see DR. Montieth in Chapel Hill. I remember being so excited. I had this picture in my head of how it was going to go during, and after it all. For those of you who don't know, I had my tubes tied in 2009, after the birth of my 3rd, directly following a traumatic still birth. It was a decision made out of fear and trauma, not an informed decision. I ended up having adverse health issues (PTLS) after, and was desperate to find a solution. I stumbled upon a private chat room with others also struggling. Several had gone for a reversal, and seemed to feel so MUCH better after. I had already seen my doctor umpteen times, and they offered no solutions, and insinuated it was "in my head".... I saw all of these ladies posting the day OF surgery saying that they felt relief! I was like, "Yes, this is it!!"... So we saved the 6 Grand, and went and did the reversal. I was PUMPED. I started a blog, YouTube video and F...

Lost for words...

I have been a funk...Not really much to say that has not already been said before..I feel like such a broken record....But I guess I should start somewhere, and give a little update of some kind... I have posted a few picture quotes that reflects some of how I am feeling, but I cannot seem to articulate MY feelings right now, in a personal way that is comprehensible to others, and doesn't make me look like an ungrateful bitch... I guess I will start off by saying, we had another chemical this last cycle...( + test's at 6/7 dpo- 9 dpo, (I tested early cause I almost threw up while socially smoking a cigg and having a drink with my friend and I didnt temp so I didn't know really where my cycle was for sure) and by 10 dpo tests had faded some, and AF came the NEXT day, even while still taking 800 mgs of progesterone supps (which I did start late at 7dpo, the day I got my first positive but none the less), giving me a whopping 10 day LP...=/ Here is one of my FRER's f...

Bye Felicia!

After MORE than 17 pregnancies, (5 live births, one still birth, 4 back to back ectopics, and NUMEROUS early losses), a tubal ligation, tubal reversal, and tubal removal and c section .... I am saying farewell to a old friend. My uterus. I met with an OBGYN this week to look over my most recent ultrasound, that showed a large mass in the wall of my uterus. tween the pregnancies (mostly losses), the endo and PCOS, he STRONGLY recommended I have a FULL hysterectomy, including the removal of my ovaries. I am only 35 this year, so I will say I was a little taken back initially. However, when I go back and think through my GYN history, its apparent, I will ave a much better quality of life after its all said and done. Truth be told, my hesitancy inst related to the desire for more children. We are content, happy and feeling healed from the years of losses. The twins have completed our family and we are so happy to be past ever trying to add to our family again. My resistance has more...