I started bleeding today...It makes things feel so final...
I went to church, and just poured out my heart...I told God, that despite the circumstances, I would praise him, and give him my love. It was hard...In the midst of so much grief...I was bought back to each and every moment in the last year...back to each loss. with every one, the pain seems to grow even deeper and deeper...I know God has brought us to this place, and led us to have another baby, so I frustrates me to no end to wonder WHY I have to keep enduring this...WHY does this keep happening...Why Me? I have said and done all the "right things". I have spoken scriptures and spoken LIFE over myself each day I was pregnant...I forced myself to HOPE and stay positive...fasted, prayed...re evaluated...and yet, I am still here, and cannot come to grips with "giving up" because I KNOW we were called to have another child...
I sat there this morning, trying not to be angry, trying to wrap my heard around this happening again....when a BRAND new baby comes through the doors...talk about adding insult to injury...I could feel my chest tighten like it just might explode...My heart breaking all over again. Then, bitterness... That should be ME...I should be holding my baby not grieving a 8th loss in a year...After all we have been though, why ME!?? why do I keep having to endure this...I know God has a plan, and I do not believe for ONE second that he made this happen, but I just keep asking...why can't I have my miracle yet? what am I doing wrong? I have been pouring my heart and soul believing for a miracle, and here I am again, empty inside and broken...
I know better days are ahead...God help me....
I went to church, and just poured out my heart...I told God, that despite the circumstances, I would praise him, and give him my love. It was hard...In the midst of so much grief...I was bought back to each and every moment in the last year...back to each loss. with every one, the pain seems to grow even deeper and deeper...I know God has brought us to this place, and led us to have another baby, so I frustrates me to no end to wonder WHY I have to keep enduring this...WHY does this keep happening...Why Me? I have said and done all the "right things". I have spoken scriptures and spoken LIFE over myself each day I was pregnant...I forced myself to HOPE and stay positive...fasted, prayed...re evaluated...and yet, I am still here, and cannot come to grips with "giving up" because I KNOW we were called to have another child...
I sat there this morning, trying not to be angry, trying to wrap my heard around this happening again....when a BRAND new baby comes through the doors...talk about adding insult to injury...I could feel my chest tighten like it just might explode...My heart breaking all over again. Then, bitterness... That should be ME...I should be holding my baby not grieving a 8th loss in a year...After all we have been though, why ME!?? why do I keep having to endure this...I know God has a plan, and I do not believe for ONE second that he made this happen, but I just keep asking...why can't I have my miracle yet? what am I doing wrong? I have been pouring my heart and soul believing for a miracle, and here I am again, empty inside and broken...
I know better days are ahead...God help me....
Megan, I am so sorry! I ask myself that same question almost everyday...Why did I have to lose my child and watch women get pregnant carry their baby to term and be fine. Why do we have to suffer. I don't have an answer, and I so wish that I did, but I know that God is good, all the time and all the time God is good.
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