Purpose Driven Motherhood

So, I have some good news, and some bad news... The Good news...My hormone levels are great, and we can try again this month! The bad news? My once "mild" insulin resistance, has now turned into full blown PCOS. While I did not have any cysts,my ovary's are poly cystic in appearance, and  had TONS of follices. which can be good so long as I take something to stim a bit and cause the many follices to mature into a few good ones... AND, because my levels were good, I get to start my femara tonight! woo hooo! I am slightly bummed though...It sucks to have issues after issues arise in regard to TTC...It is like my body is falling apart...So disheartening ...But, I have to be thankful for a chance tp try, and some good baseline levels to start off with! so...here we go! Levels are as follows- HCG- <0.5 TSH- 0.19 FSH- 5.1 LH- 2.39 P4- 0.4 E2- 25  Endo thickness 4.5 Wish us luck! =)

 I have an appt set for Monday at 10 am for clinic with the RE office, to get a set of CD 3 ( I will be CD 4) labs and a ultrasound to check over everything...Hopefully, by then, the HCG is totally baseline, and my E2 this cycle is not stupid and is also baseline...Please, please, please!! NO more set backs!!

Happy hour!! whooo hooo! Yes...I realize what time it is...But, it IS 5 o clock somewhere....Right!? Screw this cycle! Screw TTC and all the emotional baggage that goes with it...Screw the weight gain from fertility meds...Screw the temping, OPK's, CM, CP and all that jazz....Just screw it... I am going to spend the remainder of today, sipping on this bottle of red, and watching some Grey's, while I try to pretend my heart has not been crushed, yet anther time...I am well aware my denial will end soon, and reality will hit, and I will have to face the pain, face TTC....Face it all over again....But today, I am going to say screw it, and enjoy happy hour/day.

I am feeling pretty let down today... I know this cycle was not even supposed to be a "go" anyway, and by some miracle, we were able to try and got a dose of intralipids in there too, which was doubly awesome, and I was so thankful to have a shot at this cycle..... But still, I am feeling so bummed out today... On 8 dpo, I woke up, broke down,  and tested...I saw a "shadow" on the wondfo's, and just kept testing throughout the day...By the end of 9 dpo, I had lines on 4 different tests, ( wondfo strip, wondfo cassette, dollar store test and FRER) squinters, but def lines. But over the course of the last few days, nothing has progressed, just kind of stayed the same...I held hope, and just tried not to obsess..( hence the not posting of HPT pics on the blog this time..Its gets to hard to have to see them, after the fact, when the cycle is a bust) So....Today, 12 dpo, I woke up to a temp drop, and all tests now totally BFN... I am trying so very h...

I just LOVE when I have a pretty chart!! Yes, I know, It does not mean a BFP/THB or anything else really, other than ovulation occurred and progesterone is now the dominant hormone....BUT, on a cycle like this, where Normally I would STILL be waiting to O, I am pleased as punch to see such a great chart for a cycle that we all thought was a "bust". Not only did I O'ed wayyyyyy early with NO meds, but my progesterone was good, and but my charts looks  aaaammmmaazzzinggggg....NOW, all I need is a sticky BFP!! I have to admit, I am a LOT more hopeful than ever before....I sure hope that is not setting me up for a BIG fall at the end of this cycle...I know nothing is guaranteed  even if we do get a BFP, but the addition of the intralipids gave me a little more hope to hang on to that maybe, just maybe we will get our rainbow one day after all.... Anyway, here is my kick ass chart! =)

   I am not sure what I expected, but now that it is all over, I can say with certainty, that is was a piece of cake!! The hardest thing was staying still in the chair for 2 hours! LOL! I got there, got checked in, used the potty real fast, then my nurse drew my blood for progesterone ( came back at 10.7 on 5 dpo, not bad at all for a non medicated cycle and 2 days earlier than a normal peak P4 draw!) then got me set up in my chair and prepped me for my infusion. She then went over the waiver info, and I had to sign a few things. She then went over any side effects/adverse reactions etc...And gave me instructions for the rest of today/this cycle... I was told to drink at least 80 oz of water today following the infusion, not sure why other than it is supposed to help keep away any head aches associated with the infusion.IV, and also, NO tylenol, and NO alcohol. No problem there! After that, I was all hooked up and ready to go! I just sat there, and chatte...

This morning at 10 AM, I will be going for my very first intralipid infusion! I am excited, as this is new for us, and has been shown to have great success rates for RPL ladies! I will get there about 10 mins before, just so they can do a progesterone draw as well, then I will get set up in my little room, and my nurse will start my IV. It should take about a hour and a half or 2 hours to completely infuse the meds. After that, I am set to go, and wont need another one till 5 weeks If we get a + preg test. And again every 28 days till 12-16 weeks or at my RE's/RI's discretion. I reallllllllllly HOPE we caught the egg this month, and this new concoction helps us snag a THB! I am feeling all sorts of symptoms the last two days...I know it is just progesterone, but it makes me feel better knowing my levels must be good to cause the nastiness I am feeling! We will see what my levels are at this afternoon....Praying for the best! Here is a nice Chart Overlay of this ...

I am pleased to report, not all is lost with this cycle!! Not only did I ovulate way early, and get some BD action in, I also got the RE to let me do my Intralipids and prednisone!! I go down Wed morning at 10 am for a Intralipid IV infusion and a progesterone draw...I already started on dexamethasone, just waiting for my prednisone RX to come through for the correct dose! I am so stoked! I know this cycle could be a total bust due tot he funky O and whackiness, but, I have a LITTLE hope, now that I get to at least TRY the intralipids, and I will get them in time too, right on 5 dpo...which should work out great, it is not ideal, like having it done on CD 5 days before ovulation, but at least I get it done before implantation, that is key! I also woke up to wonderful crosshairs! always makes me smile a little! especially with a early O like this month...I had virtually NO waiting  for ovulation like normal...So this TWW is already flying by! Here is a peek at the chart! ...

Looks like It def was Ovulation!!! Got a NICE temp spike this morning, and all my regular post O symptoms! The only "odd" part about it all is HOW EARLY I ovulated this time....Talk about a SHORT cycle! Yikes!  It must have been a good O too, cause I already feel like crap, and am constipated...generally I don't feel that way till at least 6 dpo, so progesterone must be kickin in already too...As much as I hate to feel like junk, I am glad things are going better than expected. I expected another suuuupppperrrr LONG cycle like last month, NOT to ovulate on CD 8!  If this had not happened to ME, I might have said this was not even possible, especially considering how late I have O'ed for most of my life, so it really was a shock! NOW...we wait.... I do have to say though, this might be the quickest, and easiest TWW ever for me, since normally, I am still 7 to 10 days away from O at this point! LOL...Here goes nothing! Oh yea, here is my chart/Temp spi...

Soooo After my RE canceled my cycle, I just kind of resigned myself to the fact that this cycle was shot, and I was looking at another delayed ovulation cycle, like last month, and just was not even really paying attention...Well around CD 5/6, I started to get EWCM, like perfect, beautiful, clear, stretchy EWCM, and I noticed DH was VERY intent on BD, out of the blue, even whilist sick with the flu ( pheromones??  lol)...I was a bit perplexed, bit figured the high E2 that caused my cycle to be canceled was to blame...But on CD 7, I had even MORE EWCM, with my CP at HSO, and  I felt ovary twinges like I do around O time... Intrigued, I decide to take a OPK.... ?????? Totally positive??? what!? On CD 7?? What on earth? So I asked the RE what to do, he said, basically, more U/s and blood that close to "O"  would be inconclusive, and to just BD as much as we can and go for a P4 check on 7 dpo to see what is going on. No real answer on why this is all ha...

I just happened to log on a few mins ago, and check my blogger account and all the blog's stats. I happened to realize, I just passed the ONE year mark from when I started this blog, and nearly 2 years TTC...Time sure does fly!! Then I happened to look down at the "all time page views" and see over 22,000 views!!  Holy Cow! (And NO, I do not track my on views, lol)...I am actually surprised anyone reads this horrendous display of emotional baggage spewing all over the place....Some time I feel like a whining, insane, bitter, brat when I look back at some of my posts...LOL...I don't know how yall put up with me, but from the bottom of my heart, thank you! I appreciate the encouragement, and it really is nice to know this page reaches someone, somewhere, and even if only for a moment they can relate in a small way, and feel a little less alone in this LONG, hard journey, then it has been worth putting my time into this blog, and I don't feel as bad beari...

Even though we were not going to "try" at all a few days ago, then we decided after a long talk, to just see what happens/how we feel after CD 3 results came back.... I was excited at the CHANCE to maybe say "ok let's give it a go" But, yet again, my body is being STUPID! The RE messaged back about the CD 3 labs, and basically said, I need to wait it out, no BCP's as they just "mask" the issues....He said to just try again with the next period...I replied back with a message to push the issue of additional testing, since this has happened now two cycles in a row, and  it is NOT normal, and I feel like something is "off"...We will see what he says... =/

I am starting to realllllyyyy hate my body right now... I don't have all the labs back from yesterday yet, but I logged into the portal and most of them were in there...Of course, I have to wait for a call back from the Nurse/RE, but, I am pretty sure this cycle will play out like the last one with delayed ovulation  etc......Levels are as follows... E2- 109 ( should be under 50, last cycle it was 300+ on CD 3) FSH- 2.66 LH-  6.89 ( the ratio between LH and FSH should not look like this- indicates PCOS) HCG- <1 (I knew that!) Waiting on the other two results... P4- ? TSH- ? UGH...Looks like my "mild" insulin resistance" had turned into a more aggressive form, and presenting more like PCOS now...Great, just great...I sent a message to the RE on the portal about it all, asking what he thinks we should do next...Waiting to hear back, but VERY frustrated we are dealing with this same song and dance again!!! WHY ovaries WHY!????????!!!!!!!!!! ...