Sunday, August 26, 2012

Up early-

Reflecting-

I have had a rough week. Emotionally, I am kind of spent. thanks to the hormones. And some other things went down with some good friends of mine and church stuff, which I will not go into- but let's just say it has me in all kinds of knots. I have been focusing on NOT stressing and NOT worrying this week- But it has been trying!

I woke up early today, and for whatever reason cannot seem to  get back to sleep.I have to admit I was slightly excited to see my temp this morning- As it rebounded back up high after yesterday's drop. (see chart below)

Nice right? I Never get "dips" like that in my luteal phase. maybe once or twice in 29 months charting. Of course I  KNOW it could mean NOTHING, I still think it looks freaking good on my chart! LOL

So I stopped analyzing my temps, and drug myself back to "temps mean nothing" reality-  and made a small cup of coffee- and logged on to FB- to see several pics of baby pumps, and videos of bellies moving and  new born pics...Man, It HURTS so bad- sometimes I feel like I actually got hit with a arrow in the chest...I tense up- and feel sharp pains, and  then cringe from having to hold back the flood gates  that keep my tears from pouring out- As I quickly move the page and try to scroll past it all....Some of them-  I am of course so happy for- THRILLED to see them get what they longed for aster struggling- BUT it just KILLS me when I think of where I still am, and how much we have lost. It just guts me inside. I KNOW we WILL get our turn- But man- this has to be the most brutal, emotionally taxing wait- for something- I have ever, ever had to endure.

I am so afraid of getting amped up for this cycle- Staying positive, and really believing for a miracle- And then, have to walk away in the same place- yet again....I battle with being realistic ( pessimistic?) to having radical faith- Someday's I am convinced it is all going to work out, and SOON- But then I remember, I felt like that 16 months ago- And here I still am....

Maybe it is the combination of hormones- And lack of sleep- But, I feel so desperate- and vulnerable, and sensitive, and out of control- I hate it! I hate feeling like I have NO control over how I feel and what is going on.  ugh-

Ok I will stop with the whine fest.....

Lord help me make it through this week-

1 comment:

  1. Girl, you can whine all you want, because we are all behind you to listen! I have always said if you whine about something long enough, it will fix itself... So keep it coming!

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