Purpose Driven Motherhood

As I sit here, counting down the days and hours, till AF starts, wishing she would get here ASAP so we can get back to TTC....I began to think back to when we FIRST began... It has been 16 months, 4 weeks and 2 days since we started TTC again... But it's been more like 2 years, 3 months, and 4 weeks since we began this journey, because my heart had been "in it" for much longer than my tubes have been repaired... As many of you know, I had my tubes tied after my 3rd biological child was born. I was pushed into it by my OBGYN, and really thought it was the best decision. I was traumatized from our 19 week loss , and spent the entire pregnancy with my last child in such terror, and anxiety, and stress. My body was angry for going right from being half way through a pregnancy, to losing it, to being pregnant again less than 3 months later....I had many complications, and they even thought our daughter had heart issues there for a while in utero....Anyway, at the very...

Active pills left on my birth control pill pack!! yay!!! I cannot believe it!! It is almost time to TTC again!! I called yesterday to refil my thyroid pills, and almost had them fill the BC pills...Then, I remembered...I don't need them!!! whooo hooooooo!!! I have the rest of my fertility meds and blood thinner meds on hand already, so I am set to go! I am going to try and make a Vid blog here soon to kick off the start of our TTC adventures again!  stay tuned!

 So.... We decided to stop the pill after I get AF in about 10+ days or so...And TTC for August, instead of waiting another cycle and going for it in Sept. By the time I ovulate in August, it will have been 12 weeks since the metho shot, so plenty of time to recover, and build up my folic acid ( I have been taking tons extra as well), and two full cycles of birth control to "rest" the ovaries. My Hystroscopy last week was PERFECT and shows NO signs of any issues, and a GREAT looking uterus, and awesome clear tube openings... I Spoke with the RE and TR doc, and both agree I would be OK to TTC....I went back and forth, many times, going over the pro's and con's, but in the end, I just feel like it is "time" to go for it!! I really think the protocol we used last time could have really done the trick had the bean not implanted in my tube... So, we will do 5 mgs of  Femara CD 3-9. No trigger this time. After Ovulation, start Prednisone, lovenox, and proges...

This day 1 year ago, I was pregnant...I had no Idea how long it was last, but I was thrilled to be there, in that moment. I had so much HOPE then for bringing home a rainbow baby....Just a couple weeks later we lost the baby, and I thought for SURE by the time next year rolled around this time, I would have a baby, or be well into pregnancy... This day two years ago, I was praying for the money to have our reversal...saving every dime, and decided not to splurge on gifts and special things I didn't need....I may have topped the day off with a cheap bottle of wine... This day 3 years ago, I was one day post partum from having my baby girl, Kaitlyn...I also had my tubes tied...I was determined to never have to experience another loss of a baby or another complicated, anxiety filled pregnancy again...Jusr traumatized by the events I had endured previously... This day 4 years ago, was the last time I saw my angel Hannah Marie, alive on ultrasound...She w...

So...Yesterday was hard in a few different areas... I spent some time helping/talking to a young teenage girl who is 19 weeks pregnant, which I could relate too, since I was young when I was pregnant with my first...That is a whole other story for a different time, and in the wake of recurrent loss, I found it a little harder than in years past to handle the situation.....Also, listening (reading on FB) to another woman complain about her pregnancy symptoms unmercifully...I actually surprised myself and did not even get THAT upset, I would have bawled in the past at the first moment of seeing someone pregnant regardless of how they got that way. I only felt a little twinge of jealousy, and then quickly reminded myself, they have NO idea what I have endured, I cannot punish them... My time will come... So then, I  went online  looking for some memorial jewelry for our angel babies...I was so blown away at how beautiful and precious some of them were...I found...

I had set out to start getting more active while on this break, and for a few weeks, had just let it go, and kind of put it off, doing little things here and there but no real pattern...So this last week/this week, I decided enough was enough....So I set it up with my neighbor to run twice a week, and I did it! I did just over a mile the first time, and 2 miles last night...On my days "off" from running I am swimming 30 mins at a time, getting my heart rate up, and working those muscles with no no impact...VERY refreshing! And I feel so good! More energy, and confidence, and satisfaction that what I set out to do, I am doing!! I have had a few slip up's in regards to food choices...I totally threw gluten free to the wind after the ectopic, but have been trying to stick to low sugar/low carb type diet...I will get back on gluten free again starting in august, so that by the middle of sept, when we start TTC again, I will be back in the swing of things. I really struggle...

I got there, and they did a  STAT preg test, just to be "sure", not sure why since I am on borth control, lol, but I guess it is just protocol...So I get in there, and it takes him a few mins to get my cervix to open up enough to let the scope pass through...OUCH...But finally it went in....WOW...what a freaking NEAT thing to see!! I got to see EVERY wall in my uterus, and both tube openings that fall into the uterus....It was sooooo awesome! RE said all was "well" inside, and my uterus was "beautiful"! GOOD NEWS!! Still, NO explanation for the losses, but he did say he feels the break will be good, and that he feels confident we will have our take home baby soon! It was nice to have a positive outlook from the RE...And some encouragement.... So, for now, we ride out the rest of our our break, and make the most out of our time... Before we know it, we will be back to the craziness of medicated cycles, and temping, and OPK's and tracking everythi...

I have an appointment at 10:30 am, for my in office hystroscopy. For some strange reason, I feel lightly nervous! I have had the HSG and the saline ultrasounds before and they went smooth and detected NO issues. I think we will have the same result with this test too, but I am thankful they are going to take a closer look just in case something was missed by the other two tests. For those who do not know what a hystroscopy is, it is basically  a small, flexible, lighted microscope, that is inserted through the cervix and goes in to check out every wall in the uterus  and the the tube openings etc. I went on you tube the other day and did  a search and checked out some vids of other people's scopes, and they were soooo cool looking!! Id love to have a vid of mine...Doubt ill get it, but how neat to get to see inside our body like that! I am always amazed at the technology we have...Then It makes me kind of sad....ALL this amazing eq...

I can hardly keep up! I was thinking this break would take FOREVER! but, it really is going by fast! I am now more than a week into my second birth control pill pack, and actually feeling GREAT! I was so worried the side effects i felt the first month on them would last the whole duration of of our break, but apparently my body has adjusted, and is doing well! AF this last time was very strange...Not bad, just different. I feel almost as if my body "cleansed it self" with this last AF and my ovaries feel at "rest" if that makes sense... So I have lost a few pounds, and am still doing good eating better...I have been more active and starting this week will be running twice a week with my neighbor! I hope that helps me drop a few more pounds quick like! LOL... There is still a part of me that is just squirming inside having to wait to TTC again....I just want our take home baby to come so very bad...But I know that I needed this break...I know That my body needed...

Well, today is CD 1!! I am officially 1/3 of the way through this break we are on! I was not sure how this cycle would play out,being it was my first cycle on the pills, and, due to the nature of the ectopic, and the metho shot etc....It def was a bit "off" so to speak...It was only a 24 day cycle, compared to my 30 day cycle off BCP's...So quite a bit shorter than my normal, but thats ok,. Id rather it be shorter than longer! LOL. It just feels good to have AF show, and not have to worry about trying again right away, or meds etc...I can just "be".... NOW, to focus the next two cycles totally on eating better and getting active while I wait...I have been lazy the last few weeks, just putting off what I know needs to be done.NO more of that! I am going to lose some weight, and get healthy before we try again!! I have been "saying" that for ages, but never follow through....Now it is time to start doing the hard work, and actually put it into motion ...

Just wanted to share a few recent snap shot's of the kiddo's...I don't usually share too much about them on here, as to not upset those reader who do not have children and try and keep my topics based on my recent situation...But I find myself feeling so very thankful for them....Being on this break gives me time to reflect, and has shown me they are also miracles...I thank God for the ease in which they came into this world...I never thought I would be one of those women who struggle to carry a pregnancy, and having had 3 term births, neither did any of my DR's...So I am forever grateful for them...And Just wanted to take a moment and share them with all of you... This is my Step Daughter, Lindsay- age 10 This is My daughter, Hayden, age 10 who I had with my ex- in CA This is Isaiah, age 6, who is My husband and mines, first biological child together... This is Kaitlyn, age 3 ( in a couple weeks) who we had after the loss of Hannah...She is our "rain...

So yesterday was one of my "should be" be due dates...It has been a bit hard, but honestly, I feel  I am handling it all better than expected....Considering, all the newborn pics on facebook, and the numerous pregnancy announcements flowing in... So later that day,  I began to go  looking through some of my online albums from the last few years, and was trying to find a pic of me with short hair, because someone asked me about it, and I remembered I had one from cosmetology school. So, I went digging....No where online, so I resorted to my "special" personal folder in the file cabinet. I had not looked though it in ages, so I kind of got lost reminiscing ... When all of the sudden, as I sifted through some other things, out tumbled a envelope, and then as soon as I saw it, out spilled the contents... They were my ultrasound pictures of my Hannah and her Foot prints...It was a Hard thing to see at first glance, but then, as I began to p...