Purpose Driven Motherhood

I am still here! Things are going pretty good, as far as our "break" goes. I have not temp'ed in like 2 weeks! It feels so strange...And I have managed to stay away from most of my TTC groups, and have scaled back on posting in general online a great deal...I am trying to focus my time on the things I have before me...At the moment, all of my kids are off from school for the summer, so figuring out ways to keep them busy, keeps me pretty busy! I am also fixing up the house/yard and trying to do all the things I wont be able to do when we finally GET/STAY pregnant with our rainbow.... Yesterday, at church, the message was exactly what I needed to hear...It inspired me to keep trusting in GOD and walking in faith, knowing that he will come through and give us the baby he promised us...Even though my natural eyes see the devastation from our losses, and my heart feels the pain, and I read the statistics of having a take home baby after so many losses...I must keep going.....

Birth control pills that is.... It has been like 10+ years since I have taken any kind of pills for birth control...I forgot how MOODY they can make you, and emotional...I am crying at the drop of a hat. Even the silliest commercials, I start tearing up at, then laughing to death at myself for crying over something so silly...Man o man.... However, I have been reading some good stories about women who go on birth control to level out the hormones for a bit, before stimming with clomid, or other ovulation inducing drugs. They tend to have a much better response to the medicated cycles following the birth control and many get pregnant. I plan to use femara once we finish out last BCP cycle. I will also use the crazy med cocktail I used last cycle again, just to see....It very well could have been a keeper had it implanted where it was supposed to go. And it was not expensive to do, med wise. We will see I guess! Anyway....Yea, BC sucks...It will be worth it in the very end though.....

With PTSD Today at my appointment. I have been seeing a counselor for some of the things that I have had to endure, not just in regards to TTC/losses, etc, but in general, I had a traumatic, difficult youth, and had some some very heavy things to over come. I knew I had PTSD a couple years ago, after our 19 week loss...I just never wanted that "label" officially....But talking about it, and going back to reflect, it has brought up many events in my life that were traumatic, and give me flash backs etc. I  plan to work through some of this stuff while I am on break. I have left just about every TTC forum/group I was apart of/owned/created, in a effort to really let go and step away from virtual life and the TTC mind set....I want to renew every part of me, and stop letting the junk and negativity from the craziness of online forums rule my life even in the slightest.... I was apart of too much, for too long...and it over took me and allowed me to obsess on TTC stuff...

Not really sure what to do with myself today... It has been 29 months since I started counting down/saving up and getting ready for my tubal reversal....In that time I have poured myself into TR/TTC stuff non stop...I feel Like I have done this for SOoooooooo LONG now it feels foreign to start living life outside of these thoughts. I am just not sure what to do....I can only clean, sing, organize and play with the kids for so long before my mind wanders to the "what if's" that will come after our break is over and "what supps/meds should I take etc"....HOW do I separate from this frame of mind? How do I really "let go" of TTC and focus on "life"??  I just am not sure what to do! I want to really make the most of this time off...but it is soooooooooooo hard when I am broken over the losses... Disappointed with not knowing WHY we lose them, and scared for the future of possibly losing more...I can't seem to let go of this season of my li...

We are officially on a break. I had my blood work done again this morning, and got the call...beta is <1. FINALLY! I hated having to wait for this to be over before we could move on...As if taking a break is not hard enough, having to wait, and wait before we could even really "break" sucked!. I started bleeding yesterday, and today is even heavier, so I started a new cycle, and started my birth control pills today. It feels so strange to be taking BC again...Almost "wrong"...BUT I know I NEED a break without having to worry about condoms and TTA with charting and stressing on fertile time passing etc...I also need to HEAL, physically and emotionally...That metho shot did a number on my body! ick! Anyway...Glad it is "over"...Now, to fill my time with things NOT TTC related...lol...

HCG went down to 24 from 62 on Sunday. So Hopefully they will be down to <1 soon!  Not sure what to expect, since I already had a "period" so to speak...Guess we will have to wait and see!

Some days, I feel like letting go and taking this break is going to be the best thing for me...I think of all I will accomplish, and how much I can gain from pouring my energy into my relationships with friends and family and God....I can focus on music, lose some weight, get the whole house ( basement and elsewhere totally organized and clean etc)...I can enjoy the summer without peeing on sticks and making sure our BD timing is perfect...so many freedoms... Then, some days, I feel like I have been defeated. And it crushes me inside...I think about how it will be at least another year or more before we even have the slimmest chance of  meeting our take home baby...I see all the ladies I was buddies with on various forums, who have already had their babies and are pregnant as well, some for a second  time after a term birth! I cannot believe I am still here....I was always one of the "fertile myrtles" and never had an i...

Here is Me, singing a version of one of my fave songs...

I am so totally numb right now...It is not that I am not sad...I am not happy either....It FEELS  like Sooooo much has happened in the last few days...I have a hard time almost comprehending the gravity of it all.... I almost in disbelief. I cannot believe I made it to this RE appt and then discovered I had an ectopic none the less... I was dead set on getting on some birth control, and taking a break right from the start of the appointment. I knew I needed to walk away and take a break. But I never expected I would be "forced" to take one regardless of my feelings, because of an ectopic... I actually, secretly dreamed , just a couple weeks back, that I would go in to my new RE appt. and be pregnant with my take home baby...I really hoped...This was def not what I had in mind... BUT, I can take from this as many good things as I choose to...I know I am thankful we found it, as early as we did, before something terrible happened. I am thankful for a new ...

I thought it could not get any worse... it did... It turns out, not only did I have my 10th loss since TTC this time around, but this last one ended up being ectopic... I woke up sunday morning and tested, and  got a nice line...Two hours later, began to bleed severely. I marked it as CD1 and chalked it up to a chemical pregnancy. Fast forward 2 days, and I was feeling strange, had strange pain, and the flow of AF had changed and went all whacky...I tested on a whim...to my dismay, it was MUCH darker.. Today...I test again...Darker! Still in a lot of pain. I had an Appt. with the new RE today. It went very well....We talked about a few different things. First was my darkening lines and bleeding ect. We decided on a u/s in office and a beta HCG at my local lab for today(wed) and Friday. Next. Basically, There is no other real blood tests to do, as I have had everything done. We talked over my HSG and SIS results. and he said those tend to show only major abnormalities......

At about Noon, I  peered up from my laptop to look at the time...I thought to myself, "Hey it is already 12, and so far I have not broken down yet and turned into a teary, raging mess...we are doing good!!"...In fact, I made it till about 3:30... Then it all came crashing down on me... I can no longer numb  it...I can't run and hide, or stuff my face with chocolate, while watching 90210 and laughing at the silliness forgetting my pain...I can no longer hide behind positive scriptures and encouraging quotes.....I can't do it.... I got up and tried to do some cleaning, to get my mind off of it all.... But instead, I made it to the sink, turned the water on...Then, dropped to my knees, sobbing...I can't keep pretending this is not ripping me to pieces on the inside...I cannot pretend that I don't feel like a failure. I can't pretend that I am not angry....Angry at  my body...angry at God  for letting me endure all of this pain...Angry at all t...

I just "knew" I was feeling so detached from this pregnancy because it would not last...I tried to make myself happy, and get excited... Last night, before bed, my lines started to fade a bit, I though "Meh, just dilute urine" Woke up this morning, and have done 4 different tests, and all BFN now...Both first morning and second morning urine...Boobs have lost ALL soreness and fullness, I am cramping like crazy... I am not as crushed as I was in months past...I guess cause I just had that "feeling" it would not work out, and I numbed myself from it all... I have NO idea where to go from here...I was so sure all the new meds would make the difference... I am seeing a new RE June 6th...maybe a fresh set of eyes will do some good...but if after that, we find nothing, I may just stop tracking, stop trying, and have sex, drink, and do drugs and maybe I will get lucky and land a sticky baby...seems to work for so many other who could care less if they ...