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One step forward, two steps back....

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I had a couple good days...Then, some hard ones...I hate that I cannot count on how I will feel from one day to the next, or one moment to the next even...I hate how little things will trigger such a deep pain in my heart, it feels as though I might just pass out...Then, some moments I am totally "fine" and motivated, feeling good...Laughing with with kids etc...Like there is not a care in the world...Followed by, just a few short hours later, dealing with depression, and sadness that I cannot describe, as I feel the weight of the last 2 and a half years...And the weight of never being able to carry and birth another live baby again....That just crushes my soul. I never  realized before walking through all of this, how lucky I was, and awesome that  experience really was...God I would give anything to do it again, and have a baby in my arms at the end...::sigh::

I thought for a couple days I was "ok" with having to move on, but I am clearly not...I am having a much harder time than I even was initially...

One step forward, two steps back...

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