One step forward, two steps back....

I had a couple good days...Then, some hard ones...I hate that I cannot count on how I will feel from one day to the next, or one moment to the next even...I hate how little things will trigger such a deep pain in my heart, it feels as though I might just pass out...Then, some moments I am totally "fine" and motivated, feeling good...Laughing with with kids etc...Like there is not a care in the world...Followed by, just a few short hours later, dealing with depression, and sadness that I cannot describe, as I feel the weight of the last 2 and a half years...And the weight of never being able to carry and birth another live baby again....That just crushes my soul. I never realized before walking through all of this, how lucky I was, and awesome that experience really was...God I would give anything to do it again, and have a baby in my arms at the end...::sigh::

I thought for a couple days I was "ok" with having to move on, but I am clearly not...I am having a much harder time than I even was initially...

One step forward, two steps back...

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What you should know if you are considering a tubal reversal

Its been 8 years. 8 years since we took a trip to NC to see DR. Montieth in Chapel Hill. I remember being so excited. I had this picture in my head of how it was going to go during, and after it all. For those of you who don't know, I had my tubes tied in 2009, after the birth of my 3rd, directly following a traumatic still birth. It was a decision made out of fear and trauma, not an informed decision. I ended up having adverse health issues (PTLS) after, and was desperate to find a solution. I stumbled upon a private chat room with others also struggling. Several had gone for a reversal, and seemed to feel so MUCH better after. I had already seen my doctor umpteen times, and they offered no solutions, and insinuated it was "in my head".... I saw all of these ladies posting the day OF surgery saying that they felt relief! I was like, "Yes, this is it!!"... So we saved the 6 Grand, and went and did the reversal. I was PUMPED. I started a blog, YouTube video and F...

Some statistics on Miscarriage

Miscarriage Statistics Overall miscarriage risk is 17-22%; risk after gestational sac is visible is 12-15% Miscarriage is one of the most frequent problems in human pregnancy. The most widely accepted definition is that proposed by the World Health Organization in 1977. The incidence among clinical pregnancies (a pregnancy that is confirmed by both high levels of hCG and ultrasound confirmation of a gestational sac) is about 12-15%, but including early pregnancy losses it is 17-22%. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11950476 After heartbeat is detected, risk of miscarriage is 9.4% at 6wks; 4.2% at 7wks; 1.5% at 8wks; 0.5% at 9wks To estimate the risk of miscarriage among asymptomatic women after a prenatal visit between 6 and 11 weeks of gestation where proof of fetal viability of a singleton was obtained by office ultrasonography at the same visit. METHODS: Those recruited were 697 asymptomatic women who attended their first antenatal ...

Trust & New Pajamas

So, a blog comment I got the other day from wonderful woman, and awesome supporter of mine, caused me to pause a bit, and kind of evaluate some things about my faith and relationship with God. Which I truly appreciate, because she was kind and not judgy in her words...And I felt God gently nudge my heart each time I read the comment over... I felt my face start to burn with emotion, as tears welled up in my eyes...And I finally admitted to myself... I do NOT trust God...At least not fully, like I once did... But I desperately WANT to be at that point again....Trusting fully...And filled with peace... I walked into this journey, to try for one more, 100% SURE , God was calling us/giving us the desire to have another baby...I/we were, 100% certain we would walk away with a baby in our arms...As a matter of fact, I would have bet my LIFE on it. Now, 3 years later, I am broken, weary, and so utterly soul shattered, that I simply cannot "look" God in the eyes...H...

Purpose Driven Motherhood

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