Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Forcing myself...

Not to sink into a deep, dark depression....I just know that is where I am headed if I don't act fast...It has been YEARS since I have been in in a state like this...I hate it...I really hate it...

Yesterday, while sitting in the RE office, bawling my eyes out, so frustrated and heartbroken, I realized... I am just not going to be "ok" for a while, and that is okay...However, I was brought back to the thought of driving off the side of the road on the way  to the DR's office that morning, it seemed almost tempting, and at that moment, I knew I needed to ask for some help...I was not being rational...I was not coping on my own very well....

I asked for some info on counseling (specifically for infertility grief)  and they gave me a RX for some Zoloft, to help take the edge off for the next few months...I normally would NOT take meds... I endured loss after loss after loss for the last 2+  years and didn't take anything to cope, because I didn't want to be "on" anything if and when we got pregnant...This time is different...I don't have to worry about meds effecting TTC in the next cycle or a baby......This time I can focus 100% on getting ME better, for ME, not for another pregnancy/baby dream...That's kind of a hard concept to grasp, and hang on to when I loathe myself/my body at the moment...The last thing I want to do is "pamper" this Piece of shit body, who can't seem to do what it was created to do! It allows me to GET pregnant with perfect, beautiful babies, just so it can KILL them...I hate it...It makes me sick...

But somehow, I have to find a way to love myself/my body again...I am hoping it won't take too long to get out of this funk...I don't like how I feel, or think right now...I don't like what this journey has done to me, and who it has made me...In some ways I am stronger and better, but in many more ways, I am so broken, hurt and mangled inside...I feel like I have shattered in a million pieces...

I know God is here with me through all of this- And One day, It wont hurt as bad...But right now, it seems like the pain is overtaking and never ending....

Also,
Thank you to all who pulled for us and prayed for a miracle even when things seemed bleak, and those who believed for me when I had no hope and encouraged me through it all...Thank you, thank you, thank you!...I wish this was ending with a better outcome...But none the less, compassion from those of you who have reached out to me on here is priceless, and means so very much to me....

4 comments:

  1. Hugs... I'm glad you are taking the meds. It will make such a difference and give you time to get thru it.

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  2. You are so very brave, for asking for help and continuing to put one foot in front of the other. It's pretty scary when you actually contemplate the unthinkable. It's almost like you don't even know yourself anymore when you get to that point. You will make it out of this, and there is nothing wrong with a little pharmaceutical help to do so.

    You are absolutely doing the right thing, and I think it's a courageous step in the right direction. You have a lot of people who love you and are pulling for you!

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  3. God bless you... praying for your strength. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am glad you have reached out for some help. I hope this helps ease the pain in your heart for now. I know it always hurt but I do hope that time helps. xoxoxox I will always pray for you.

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