Purpose Driven Motherhood

Having a hard time picking myself up from this whole ordeal... Last few days have been really hard. I ended up in the ER with severe pain and cramps, and excessive bleeding, which they said could be normal. I begged to go home, and  was set to follow up with my RE the next day, but they blew me off, and basically said, we can't help you go back to the ER if you need to...great, just great. way to make me feel like you care that I have had 8 losses in a year and can give me NO answers! I also cannot do the saline u/s till after my NEXT period...not that it will even make a difference...since I am pretty sure my issues lye elsewhere...Let me explain... So I decided to revisit the immune testing I have looked into a few different times...I was so sure it was not my "issue" because I have had healthy children before with no problems. But the more I read the more I am convinced this is something I need to get addressed. So I contacted the BEST of the BEST in the area...

So this month, I have decided to "not try" and give my body a rest, and do a cleanse, lose some weight and spend some time really trying to heal from all of this...I never Imagined I would be going though yet another loss...And still here a year later with NO baby, and broken hearted .. But, rather than get angry at God, who I know did not "take my babies" or cause this to happen to "get a message to me"...No, instead, I will stand on the word, and claim HIS promises over my life...Even though some days I don't FEEL it, I am going to do it anyway...I will speak these out of my out each day, and tell the enemy to take a hike and get out of my head. The power of life and death is in the tongue, and while I know this principal is true, I have not really, truly been walking in it. I also did it half heartedly, with a "wishful thinking" kind of attitude behind it. Not this time...I know that his word never comes back Void, and I know that I will ...

I started bleeding today...It makes things feel so final... I went to church, and just poured out my heart...I told God, that despite the circumstances, I would praise him, and give him my love. It was hard...In the midst of so much grief...I was bought back to each and every moment in the last year...back to each loss. with every one, the pain seems to grow even deeper and deeper...I know God has brought us to this place, and led us to have another baby, so I frustrates me to no end to wonder WHY I have to keep enduring this...WHY  does this keep happening...Why Me? I have said and done all the "right things". I have spoken scriptures and spoken LIFE over myself each day I was pregnant...I forced myself to HOPE and stay positive...fasted, prayed...re evaluated...and yet, I am still here, and cannot come to grips with "giving up" because I KNOW we were called to have another child... I sat there this morning, trying not to be angry, trying to wrap my heard a...

They called me with yesterday's labs...my levels dropped, we are losing the baby....I am so heart broken....I was so hopeful after yesterday's u/s showing a sac...this is just crazy...and NO answers... I go in for a saline u/s after I am done bleeding...I know God will bless us again... for now...I wait, and pray....One day at a time...

Well, the good news is, the sac is in the uterus!!! I saw it even! woo hoooo!!! It was measuring small, but considering this one was a late implant-er, and got off to a slower start I kind of expected it. Not to mention I am only 5w4d! The Nurse called, and said that they also see a sac, and not to worry about it being behind, because the sac measurement is not accurate for determining how far along you are this early on,  and it can vary from machine to machine...So, more waiting. repeat u/s next Friday and a beta later today just to be sure the levels are rising! I feel at peace with it all... Just taking it a moment at a time!

Up from 237 on Sunday to 704 today!!! Doubling time of  45 hours!!! Ultrasound on Friday!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course I know this means nothing really, but it is NICE to see!!! The test line is darker than the control! LOL

Up from 96 to 237 progesterone was 24 so still rising and looking stable, but I am terrified...this is around the time they just started dropping before, so I am just scared...I go for one more beta wed, and a u/s next Monday... Deep breaths and a LOT of prayer is the only thing that will get me through this...

As dark as the control line!!!!!! yay!!!!!!!!! One day at a time...Today I am PREGNANT!!!

Beta went up!!  from 44 to 96 a bit concerned about the lower doubling time (44 hour doubling time vs the 29 hour doubling time from last draw) BUT, today I am pregnant, and thankful!!!!

These are from the last couple days. Top on is from the day before yesterday, and middle is yesterday, bottom is today. all done with 3rd morning urine, and a hour hold!  Def getting darker....Of course, I had great betas before and wonderful P4 and still lost the bean, so I know nothing is guaranteed, but I am hoping and praying!!!

HCG went form 14 to 44!!and progesterone from 13 to 23!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went for my beta this morning, should hear back this afternoon.... Taking it a moment at a time...  BUT I have to say I am kind of stoked to see the tests getting darker~!!! =)

My beta today on 14 dpo... HCG 14 P4- 13 E2- 199 Trying reallllly hard to stay positive... speaking out health and protection over our baby...But my mind wanders...and knows the chances of this being sticky with numbers like that is slim...But I do serve a BIG god, so i am not giving up just yet...

And I am thankful!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was  down in Chapel Hill NC, and  was recovering from my reversal. Everything went perfectly fine, and I was feeling so good and over whelmed at being on the "other side" of it all...I was so Nieve....I fully though it would take 3 months max, and we would be holding a baby 9 months later...That has obviously not been the case. However, I have been made stronger, and wiser, and have met some amazing people along the way... I have no idea what tomorrow will bring with this pregnancy, but today, I am pregnant... and I am thankful....

That is a step!! And my tests got darker today for sure!! I am just praying...and hoping...and praying some more!!

After a few days of super faint almost non existent line, They finally got darker this afternoon!! I am over the moon! I am praying this one sticks!! For anyone who prays, please keep me and the bean lifted up...I want my take home baby!!!

I have decided that is all I can do, is give it to God. .My lines came back again this morning, still faint, but there...I am Hoping maybe I caught the  implant surge, then it faded and is on it's way back, nice and strong...Got a temp rise too this morning! I know there is nothing I can do to control the outcome of this, or any other future pregnancies, but I can try to control  my thinking, and emotions...I can remain level headed and not stuck in self defeat...I have enough odds against me, I need to be positive for ME too...My heart does ache at the thought of not having another baby, or losing another one...BUT I know the road has made me into who I am today, and my rainbow after the storm will come.....

So this morning, I decided to test, fully expecting to see a BFN...In fact, I was not even going to test, due to my temp drop this morning...But DH asked me why I was so weepy, and emotional the last two days, and said "I bet you are pregnant"...It got me thinking... So I tested this morning after  all night ...and what do you know.... I get this!? what on earth!?? I am only 7 dpo!? this is NOT real... so I took another after , same thing...Hoping they get darker. I will test again tomorrow morning! The pic is slightly "tweaked" to show the line, due to my dim lighting in the bathroom at 5 am! LOL

and dying to test!! Chart is looking good...and very similar to last month!

I guess you could say, this is where my journey really began leading up to today... It was because of this event, that I chose to ties my tubes, that gave me Post tubal issues, that sent me searching for a reversal, that landed me here, now 1 year later, and 7 losses later.. ******************************************************************************* April 28th 2008…… So I started out my day like any other.. though I was  having some emotional issues with it being the 4 year anniversary of my father’s passing.  I tried to peel my eyes open and get the kids up and ready from school, sipping on a cup of coffee trying to revive after a  glass of wine the night before that had too many sulfites in it and have me the YUCK feeling…ugh.. usually I don’t get a bottle like that.. but… maybe that’s not all it was..?? My mom called me later on that AM to tell me my brother and his  girl were having another little baby, and I was sooo excited!!!  Talking to my mom...

Having kind of a hard day...This is non TTC , just a heads up... DH and I have decided to leave our church home of 9 years....after a LOT of prayer, and confirmation, and revelation, we made the choice to go...There were many reasons for it, but a lot of it was politics in the church, sermons being more opinionated instead of scriptural, and  a lack of belief in most of the new covenant stuff...All of which started to really go against the things God was doing in us... The meetings with the pastors went OK, but a lot of un healty stuff was said, to us....As much as I hate to admit it, I am hurt, and a bit sad...It feels so surreal....We are heading to an amazing body, one where many of the attendee's are people that previously went to our church, but left for the same reasons I listed and  then  some... It is going to be good, but very hard for a while...I stepped down from leading music after 7 years, DH was a youth leader etc......anyway...I am doing ok, and it is de...

Yay!! woke up to cross hairs! Gotta love that!! It is looking similar to last month, not sure If I find that comforting or not. But at least I know I O'ed and had a nice sized eggy in there, and everything else was in good working order. I was a bit nervous that after coming off 5 medicated cycles my O would be a little off, but it seems to have worked out great! NOW I am just praying this is our take home baby month! How cool would it be to snag a sticky BFP on a natural cycle!? =)