No matter HOW HARD I try not to "go there" or stay distracted...This time of year rolls around and I enter into this funky, melancholy mood, that nothing and NO one can get me out of...Don't get me wrong, it is not a debilitating depression that keeps me bound to a dark room incapable of living life...No, it is just a deep, sad ache in my soul, that won't go away...It seems to seep with hurt and grief, and even envy, with each new pregnancy announcement, birth, and "baby's firsts" that I see plastered all over facebook...And, why shouldn't they be happy? I would be, if it were me...But, it isn't...Hence the "funk"...
It was this time, 3 years ago, I was waiting to cycle for the FIRST time "officially TRYING" since we made the decision to have another, and not just NTNP...It was during that time, I bought baby clothes, and maternity clothes, and day dreamed about my HPT's being positive and all that would ensue....Imagining my baby belly bursting out of my shirts, sitting on the couch with a plate of food resting just so on top of bump, and of course, that moment...Holding your very much prayed for baby, in your arms...I could literally SMELL the newborn scent, and almost feel the warmth of a squishy baby on my chest...
3 Years later, and NOT ONE of those things came to be...Not one...
3 years of Hopes and dreams CRUSHED.... Over and over and over...3 years of rooting everyone else on...Watching everyone enjoy their rainbow babies...Some, 2 and 3 times over now...
Another year gone by, another year of heartbreak...
I really did set out to make this month/year not be so full of the past, and hurt etc...BUT, it doesn't matter how HARD I try, this time of year swings by, and I cannot help but be reminded of just how much we have endured the last 3 years, and how LITTLE we have to show for it...
It was this time, 3 years ago, I was waiting to cycle for the FIRST time "officially TRYING" since we made the decision to have another, and not just NTNP...It was during that time, I bought baby clothes, and maternity clothes, and day dreamed about my HPT's being positive and all that would ensue....Imagining my baby belly bursting out of my shirts, sitting on the couch with a plate of food resting just so on top of bump, and of course, that moment...Holding your very much prayed for baby, in your arms...I could literally SMELL the newborn scent, and almost feel the warmth of a squishy baby on my chest...
3 Years later, and NOT ONE of those things came to be...Not one...
3 years of Hopes and dreams CRUSHED.... Over and over and over...3 years of rooting everyone else on...Watching everyone enjoy their rainbow babies...Some, 2 and 3 times over now...
Another year gone by, another year of heartbreak...
I really did set out to make this month/year not be so full of the past, and hurt etc...BUT, it doesn't matter how HARD I try, this time of year swings by, and I cannot help but be reminded of just how much we have endured the last 3 years, and how LITTLE we have to show for it...
Hey girl! I totally get how you are feeling! :/ But don't lose sight of the vision you had of maternity clothes, squishy baby on my chest, and the smell of the newborn scent. Keep your confession of faith...keep that vision of what you are hoping for in the future. Don't try to get past this season in your own strength, but ask for God's strength and just rest in Him. hugs girl!! You are in my prayers :)
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I could have written this very post. I am right in that very boat myself. Sending you hugs and prayers.
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