Skip to main content

Dates on a calendar

Another "should have been" due date  has come...Feb 2nd...::sigh:: 

I am trying not to let this date, a simple date on a calendar, take me back 10 steps...I have come so far, and really hoped today would come and go, without the gut wrenching pain, and grief, that I have kept at bay for the last few weeks...

Today would  have been the day, I should have been due with our baby bean, that we conceived with our last immune cycle, with braverman. That pregnancy ended up to be ectopic, despite looking good initially... We had to terminate...After spending our last bit of savings ( 10+ grand) on a cycle, meds, DR's appts, monitoring, etc, we had to walk away, after more than 2 years, empty handed, broken hearted, and filled with this toxic crap in my body, that was killing our baby...Killing our hopes and dreams for the future, but simultaneously saving my life from almost certain death, if that tube were to have ruptured...But It didn't...The meds worked, I lived...My baby didn't... 

A part of me feels like I too, have died since then. I am working my hardest, striving to NOT be overcome by the immense grief we have endured...But then, then dates like this one comes around, and it makes it almost impossible NOT to think about "what could (and SHOULD) have been"...

I am doing my best to be thankful for all the things around me...To take the pain, and turn it around, and let light shine in. I really dont want to hurt SO bad...I don't CHOOSE this when I wake up each day...Despite my best efforts, some days, the grief and pain just knock me down. Today is one of those days.

Comments

  1. Just found your blog and haven't commented before, but I just wanted to let you know that I feel for you. I had one of those dates last year and another coming up this year... and still no take home baby. Hang in there, do something nice for yourself and just remember that there has to be better days in the future.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your sweet comment...<3 Better days have got to be soon, I agree...:)

      Delete
  2. awwe girl I am so sorry for you! I'm praying for you to have peace :/ Those "anniversary" dates are never easy.

    waitingforbabybird.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. <3 thank you...as much as you try not to let it effect you, it does some days...Blessings <3

      Delete

Post a Comment

Thanks for any and all comments,

Popular posts from this blog

What you should know if you are considering a tubal reversal

Its been 8 years. 8 years since we took a trip to NC to see DR. Montieth in Chapel Hill. I remember being so excited. I had this picture in my head of how it was going to go during, and after it all. For those of you who don't know, I had my tubes tied in 2009, after the birth of my 3rd, directly following a traumatic still birth. It was a decision made out of fear and trauma, not an informed decision. I ended up having adverse health issues (PTLS) after, and was desperate to find a solution. I stumbled upon a private chat room with others also struggling. Several had gone for a reversal, and seemed to feel so MUCH better after. I had already seen my doctor umpteen times, and they offered no solutions, and insinuated it was "in my head".... I saw all of these ladies posting the day OF surgery saying that they felt relief! I was like, "Yes, this is it!!"... So we saved the 6 Grand, and went and did the reversal. I was PUMPED. I started a blog, YouTube video and F...

Lost for words...

I have been a funk...Not really much to say that has not already been said before..I feel like such a broken record....But I guess I should start somewhere, and give a little update of some kind... I have posted a few picture quotes that reflects some of how I am feeling, but I cannot seem to articulate MY feelings right now, in a personal way that is comprehensible to others, and doesn't make me look like an ungrateful bitch... I guess I will start off by saying, we had another chemical this last cycle...( + test's at 6/7 dpo- 9 dpo, (I tested early cause I almost threw up while socially smoking a cigg and having a drink with my friend and I didnt temp so I didn't know really where my cycle was for sure) and by 10 dpo tests had faded some, and AF came the NEXT day, even while still taking 800 mgs of progesterone supps (which I did start late at 7dpo, the day I got my first positive but none the less), giving me a whopping 10 day LP...=/ Here is one of my FRER's f...

Ok...I may be on to something....

I am scared to even get a little excited.... I want to be elated right now...I do...But all I can think of are the "what if's"....I am going to try and stay as positive as possible, and keep saying over and over..."My body WILL carry this baby to term, I will have a take home baby!" Here is a pic ( below) of the dried test progression