Sunday, February 2, 2014

Dates on a calendar

Another "should have been" due date  has come...Feb 2nd...::sigh:: 

I am trying not to let this date, a simple date on a calendar, take me back 10 steps...I have come so far, and really hoped today would come and go, without the gut wrenching pain, and grief, that I have kept at bay for the last few weeks...

Today would  have been the day, I should have been due with our baby bean, that we conceived with our last immune cycle, with braverman. That pregnancy ended up to be ectopic, despite looking good initially... We had to terminate...After spending our last bit of savings ( 10+ grand) on a cycle, meds, DR's appts, monitoring, etc, we had to walk away, after more than 2 years, empty handed, broken hearted, and filled with this toxic crap in my body, that was killing our baby...Killing our hopes and dreams for the future, but simultaneously saving my life from almost certain death, if that tube were to have ruptured...But It didn't...The meds worked, I lived...My baby didn't... 

A part of me feels like I too, have died since then. I am working my hardest, striving to NOT be overcome by the immense grief we have endured...But then, then dates like this one comes around, and it makes it almost impossible NOT to think about "what could (and SHOULD) have been"...

I am doing my best to be thankful for all the things around me...To take the pain, and turn it around, and let light shine in. I really dont want to hurt SO bad...I don't CHOOSE this when I wake up each day...Despite my best efforts, some days, the grief and pain just knock me down. Today is one of those days.

4 comments:

  1. Just found your blog and haven't commented before, but I just wanted to let you know that I feel for you. I had one of those dates last year and another coming up this year... and still no take home baby. Hang in there, do something nice for yourself and just remember that there has to be better days in the future.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your sweet comment...<3 Better days have got to be soon, I agree...:)

      Delete
  2. awwe girl I am so sorry for you! I'm praying for you to have peace :/ Those "anniversary" dates are never easy.

    waitingforbabybird.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. <3 thank you...as much as you try not to let it effect you, it does some days...Blessings <3

      Delete

Thanks for any and all comments, I don't always have time to respond, but I appreciate each and every one of them....I also thank you for being respectful while commenting on my blog-