Thursday, January 16, 2014

Trust & New Pajamas

So, a blog comment I got the other day from wonderful woman, and awesome supporter of mine, caused me to pause a bit, and kind of evaluate some things about my faith and relationship with God. Which I truly appreciate, because she was kind and not judgy in her words...And I felt God gently nudge my heart each time I read the comment over... I felt my face start to burn with emotion, as tears welled up in my eyes...And I finally admitted to myself...

I do NOT trust God...At least not fully, like I once did...

But I desperately WANT to be at that point again....Trusting fully...And filled with peace...

I walked into this journey,  to try for one more, 100% SURE, God was calling us/giving us the desire  to have another baby...I/we were, 100% certain we would walk away with a baby in our arms...As a matter of fact, I would have bet my LIFE on it.

Now, 3 years later, I am broken, weary, and so utterly soul shattered, that I simply cannot "look" God in the eyes...How could he let me endure this so many times? Soooo many complications...So mannnyyyy losses...Ectopics...Surgeries...Now the loss of my once so strong faith, and hope....WHY even let me go through this if we wont get a baby? Why give me the desire at all to start?? Why not just keep me from even getting pregnant? And what was the deal with getting pregnant on birth control, when I decided to just walk away, so I could physically heal..???...Or why so many ectopics, and the loss of my tube and almost loss of my life?..So many questions that have NO answers...How can I fully let go, and give  my life over, back to God, and his will for my life, if I cannot TRUST him fully?
The answer is:
I can't...

So how does one begin to let go of the disappointments, hurt, and fear, and TRUST again? I am still working that out myself. For me, Simply admitting to God that I am dealing with distrust and hurt seemed to unhinge a portion of my heart, so I can give it back to him....
 There is something about being raw and transparent  before God and even before yourself, that just shines light into the depths of your soul...

Its not an easy process to start...If anything it is rather messy, and I have barely seen the tip of the iceberg that I am facing...But I know I NEED to deal with this...Its vital I allow the fullness of my emotions to come out before God, so he can actually work with me...But first I need to put my HOPE in HIM and him alone, and not "God, AND, a baby" (or husband, career, ministry etc) or whatever variation it may be at each stage in my life...HE needs to be enough for me, regardless of what else I may have in my life at that moment in time, or what disappointments I face...

Which brings me to the PJ's...

I realized, shortly after the above emotional moment, while going to get my PJ's on, that I had placed such hope and faith in having a baby, that I even put these hypothetical scenarios in my head when I bought PJ's 3 years ago. I remember when I bought several sets of them, a few months before we began to really actively try, but were set on having another, just waiting for surgery...I was standing at the rack, envisioning what those PJs would endure in the next few years...I imagined a belly, that eventually would not fit in them, but still would offer room for nursing after...I held on to this hope those PJ's would see the birth of a baby before they were thrown out...Last night, I looked in drawer and instead of grabbing my PJs, I cried...I was NOT putting those PJ's on again... those reminders of the dreams I had that wont be fulfilled...I wiped my tears, and rushed out to KOHLS, then, bought a few new sets,  come home and promptly threw the old ones out...

It was a strange feeling...

I have removed almost all things that remind me of our journey...The boxes of sharps containers, drawers of maternity clothes with tags still on them, and baby clothes I have almost gotten rid of now from gifting to other people for baby showers, as each month slipped by and we didn't get a take home baby...And last night, I finally got rid of the PJ's STUPID as it sounds, (and it does!) throwing them away felt good! Never mind they were half paint filled anyway from painting this house to get ready to list (which BTW is going well, but no offer yet)...It was like I laid to rest another area of my hopes and dreams, and I stood there and laughed at myself...Pajamas?? Really? lol...This journey really does make you go nuts! But I am starting my new journey with a few brand spanking new sets of jammies that rock my socks off!  At least I can battle whatever comes our way in comfort! 


  1. Great big huge hugs for you, Meg! The PJ thing is so NOT STUPID~trust me. It's just another step toward healing and freedom. Keep blogging these steps because they are building a beautiful staircase to God's glory. When I read this post I heard an old song by Steven Curtis Chapman start playing in my heart. I encourage you to listen if you can, but here are the lyrics:
    God is God

    And the pain falls like a curtain
    On the things I once called certain
    And I have to say the words I fear the most
    I just don’t know

    And the questions without answers
    Come and paralyze the dancer
    So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
    Afraid to fall, oh, but fall I must
    On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust

    God is God and I am not
    I can only see a part of the picture He’s painting
    God is God and I am man
    So I’ll never understand it all
    For only God is God

    And the sky begins to thunder
    And I’m filled with awe and wonder
    ‘Til the only burning question that remains
    Is who am I

    Can I form a single mountain
    Take the stars in hand and count them
    Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
    He is first and last before all that has been
    Beyond all that will pass

    Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
    How unsearchable for to Him and through
    Him and from Him are all things

    So let us worship before the throne
    Of the One who is worthy of worship alone

    Continuing to pray! xo

  2. I am new to your blog and found you through the facebook group. I am sorry that you have come to this point, but wish you so much luck in your future journey and whatever will come.

    1. Thank you tons, I appreciate the kind words and best wishes!

  3. I think getting rid of the pj's is a very big step in the right direction, and I can definitely appreciate the symbolism of doing that. Wondering if you've heard of/read the daily devotional "Jesus Calling?" It's very much focused on trust and finding peace, and it's helped me (and a lot of other IF'ers) recently. Check it out if you can use something to start each day in the right mindset. I think you'd like it. :)

    1. I am glad I didnt look or seem crazy, putting so much stock in PJ's...LOL...thanks for the book rec. I will get it! I have seen it here and there, but never read it.I need a good book to read! :)

  4. I just found your blog and I'm so glad I did!

    1. Thank you! I am so glad we connected too! I loved reading your blog, and I am following as well! :)


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