Saturday, January 4, 2014

She should be five....

January 4th...That was the date our Hannah Marie was set to enter this world...She should be turning 5 today...

It is such a strange feeling...

 We should all be celebrating the birth of a life today...5 years of glorious living, loving, laughing,  making memories and exploring the world with childlike innocence...We should be celebrating with my father also, but even he is not present, taken by death (he passed at age 50- in 2004)

Life is short....Sometimes, way too short...

Today: I am going to make a point to celebrate MY life, my Husband and kids lives...It is the birth of a new year...We need to celebrate each day! So many new things going on ( I will make a separate post about all that) and things to be thankful for!

But I can't help think of my little girl who "should be" here with us...But, then again, if not for her loss, I would not have my rainbow Kate...Who is my everything....4 and a half years old... Golden, curly hair, porcelain skin and blue eyes that you could get lost in...The most precocious little sweet pea you could ever meet....The Immunologist who diagnosed us with our allo/auto immune issues this past March said,  she was a "true miracle"......So it is a strange paradox...To grieve the loss of one life, but then at the same time, be thankful for the path that led you to what you have now...Anyway...

A little about Hannah, for those who are not familiar with her story...

I found out we were expecting Hannah, after a years worth of trying, and then, giving up. I took the test on April 28th 2008. Which happened to be the 4 year anniversary of my father's passing.(He should also be turning 60 today, which always had me puzzled that he due date was his birth date, and I found out about her presence, on  his death date)..It was an emotional day...I was so nervous...ALL. THE.TIME.  Even after the sacred "12 week 'safe' mark", I was scared...I never knew why. I felt morbid and really kind of messed up actually... Eventually, when I could feel her move, those feelings slowly went away...

On August 5th 2008, everything would change. We went in for our scan, to verify our Hannah was indeed a she, (the few days prior when I was feeling off, (aka- gained 25 lbs in water weight, migraines etc) they did a u/s at hospital and said "girl")...Only to find out, she had passed just the day or so before the scan...It was one of the single most horrifying events in my life... had to go home that night and sleep with a dead baby inside of me, while I figured out what we were going to decided as far as getting the remains of the pregnancy out....Not a decision anyone should have to make...Not something I was able to think about fully...It was HELL...

But in 48 hours time, all was over, and I was left empty...I left the hospital in a wheelchair, like all the other mother's with their newborn's...But my arms were empty, we had no baby in a car seat to carry out...That day, I was forever changed...I had some early losses in my younger years when we were not actively trying and such, and it was hard, but this...This, was unbearable...

I left that hospital, a worried, stressed, confused, angry, grieved, hurt, bitter and heartbroken woman....

5 years later...::sigh::...I wish I could say I was "all better"....Ya, NOT gonna happen...I am still very much grieved over the loss of that precious baby girl....Even though I have since had a "rainbow" (and then, after, more than 15 consecutive early losses since her birth)...Nothing replaces the unique person she was/is/would have been here on this earth....I felt her move inside of me...After she left, my milk came in, and I was left with a empty womb, empty arms and full breasts with NO baby to feed, or cuddle or snuggle...It was a hard time...I still had flashbacks, and certain things trigger me to "go back" to that time and place, weather I like it or not...It is not a choice...I had a dream about Hannah Last night, which is why I posted this...I was going to leave it alone...Since I know, most of you know about our history with this loss, but I cant help but think of her today...I miss her...Someone I barely had a chance to make ANY real memories with...But I miss her...

I, however, will not let it control me, or keep me in that "pit" I was so stuck in just a few weeks prior...

I will still celebrate the life I am living with the people I am living it with, right now....I will enjoy the moment...EACH ONE...Yet, still hold on to the memory of my babies in my heart...ALL of my babies who fly, instead of walk...But today, I honor and remember our precious Hannah Marie...







2 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you are hurting Megz. You have been through so much & I hope you can somehow move past the hurt one day and find joy to replace it. I hope that you are finding things to look forward with the move to CA with your beautiful family!

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  2. Thank doll!
    I am doing fine really, just certain dates bring in a bit of melancholy here and there. I am to busy to dwell on anything right now! LOL...I dont think I will ever really "move past" any of this, or "Find joy to replace the hurt"...all of our babies were apart of me, and are worthy to be honored....But Things will, and have begun to change, and shift to a "different" normal...I wont get too comfy, anything can chance as we all know, but I am thankful for a small release from such immense grief.

    Cali is exciting as heck! also stressful, with being in limbo, waiting on relocation package deal info etc...lol, BUT, it is exciting!!!!

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