Tuesday, January 14, 2014

- Reblogging- Not everyone get's a rainbow

4 years ago..... I was in THIS PLACE......(beautifully written, and very much true, I know there are a few who can relate to this now- which is a part of the journey)

I was feeling so much healing, since  the loss of our Hannah, with the recent birth of my "rainbow" baby  Kaitlyn (We lost Hannah in august 2008- I gave birth to Kate in July 2009- Just a few days before our 1 year angelversary for Hannah)...

I swung between feeling like I was still too far in the loss community for comfort, considering "I reached the other side", and I didn't want to make newly bereaved mothers upset, especially those who could not try on their own, without assistance and a LOT of money,  but I could not let go totally, because I was afraid I would also lose Hannahs memory at the same time,  and  also, my "badge" I earned from surviving the unthinkable...

But slowly, over time, I let go of my place in the loss community, and it felt good...I was finally in this place, where I was OK...I NEVER thought I would ever be "OK" again after losing Hannah...It was a bittersweet blessing...I wanted so much to be "OK" again, but there was a familiarity in grief and pain and in the loss community I didn't want to lose, or be shunned  from...

But my new normal came...I was no longer weeping every day...The optimism, that once was so vibrant, and overshadowed any cynicism in my life, was back again!! I was no longer a walking zombie overcome in grief, and I was no longer faking smiles. They were REAL, authentic, and I was happy...I felt JOY...

It was that healing, The JOY, that new normalcy, and newfound happiness, that brought us back to the conversation of trying "one more time" .

We had MANY reasons for wanting to try one more time. All of which were valid and well thought out. MANY were very personal, and VERY spiritual as well.

We would have NEVER  brought it up again as a possibility, or even considered entertaining the thought of TTC again, had it not been for that healing...It was that very JOY, that healing, and happiness that brought us the courage to talk through the possibilities of having just one more...We discussed actively TTC, before the "age gap to have siblings close in age is gone", "before I turn 30 etc"... Because we had a LOT of things to deal with before we could go on.

It was not as simple as just making the decision to try again,  and then having sex...It would require surgeries etc. But each time I thought about how hard it might get, I looked at my "rainbow baby", Kaitlyn,  and I remembered telling myself, "Healing is possible, no matter what I endure through this time...As long as I get another "rainbow baby, I will be fine"". After each loss, I would remember that feeling of JOY after we had our rainbow baby kate, and that would keep me going....

Over the last 3 years, (and up until april/may of last year we we got our official immune diagnosis) I always, always, always thought we would have another take home baby...Never in my dreams did I think it would never happen again...


I had, inadvertently, placed this expectation, before we even began to TTC, that, IF we had to endure a loss or two, it would be "ok" because we will get our rainbow baby, eventually ...I had put this unwritten rule down on paper in my head..."Even if we were to endure insurmountable loss, having a rainbow baby would make it all better"...It seemed like even online, around me in my close relationships, all you read/hear about is, how everything was "made right" when you met your rainbow baby...Heck, I had even uttered those VERY  SAME words myself just a few years prior, because in some ways, for me  it WAS true, based on my experience with having kaitlyn after losing Hannah...But I was an exception, not the rule...which is something I have come to realize...

"Everyone eventually gets their rainbow baby, one way or another, and when you do, everything you endured is worth it."... 





How nieve....How stupid...

Just because we were lucky enough to beat the odds after several early losses and a 2nd tri loss, and some how, managed to carry to term again, and have a healthy take home baby, didn't  mean it was SURE to happen again...

I am reblogging this post.. "Not everyone gets a rainbow"...

 It has been a post that I have read over and over...I have written a variation of this post of my own, several times over, in the last couple of months, but I  hit delete before I can even think twice, and publish, for fear of being flogged by the community.....This has soooo resonated with me...And  has so MUCH truth in it...Truth I need to start accepting...

The end of our "journey" , as we have known it for the last 3/4 years, is going to end soon, with NO more living babies to make it "all better"...And despite what many might think, the children you already have do not "make it better" either... It just gets different. You learn to honor the lives lost (simultaneously, you become more present in the lives around you) in a special way, but let go of the grief and stop letting it define you...At least,  that is what I am starting to see, on my own personal journey to acceptance.

So....What do you do when you have NO option to have a living child added to your family, for either the 1st, or 4th time?

I like this quote:

"Lets stop pretending that the best way to heal is to feel the redemption of birthing a healthy baby and recognize, healing has to come solely within."

I never thought I could agree with this quote ( above).

Heck, I was the poster child for hope where there is none  ( ie. 15+ consecutive losses, with 4 ectopics), with less than 1% chance of carrying to term, (due to the immune issues) but still, I hoped and prayed, against all odds, when those two lines appeared, ( in the past) that a miracle would happen...Each time, let down...With each loss...More complications...

 I am slowly realizing, with our super slim odds on own own, and very slim odds even with the use and necessity for major immune meds/ivf etc/.. Then, add in my newer cardio issues and possible (I do have it, just not officially diagnosed) hypermobility/connective tissue issues,  the risks are too high for me to keep playing this game of 'chicken'...

After the last ectopic that ended in surgery, with them accidently cutting my intestine open, and then after the fact, reading on my charts,finding out that I had issues waking up from general after surgery, I am just done gambling with my life to try and bring forth another child...I wanted this more than ANYTHING...I still DO...But enough is enough...

But how does one heal with no "rainbow" after the storm?

I am trying to figure that out myself...I didn't say I had it figured out...But somehow, I have to find a way to acceptance...even though it feels as if it closely resembles defeat....Giving up after so MUCH time, money, energy, thought, prayers, blood, sweat and tears were put into this...And walking away empty handed...Changing your expectations on how your plans were going to work out...Its a very strange feeling...You know it is right, but it feels sooo wrong.

I need to find a way of  knowing, deep down, my days of having more children are OVER, even if I don't want them to be, and someway, let that grief go..Grief for both the losses we endured in trying to have another take home baby and for the loss of the ability to ever have another biological child, EVER...

Its a hard thing to accept.  I am sure harder if you have NO living children. I cannot compare, or even begin to imagine, as I am not in that place....My heart truly breaks for those walking that road....

 But, I can speak from my own experience, and having done it (had a take home baby) and now not being able to, is immensely hard, at least for me personally, because I KNEW exactly what I was missing, and I KNEW, there was nothing I could do to make it happen, (at least in this lifetime) and I have felt so utterly betrayed by my body, because after 15+ losses, it couldn't just hang on to ONE more , and give me that "rainbow" to soothe the wounded soul...I became bitter and angry at those who can and do choose to make it happen on a whim, and choose NOT to take care of the baby they produce in their careless decision making. ( ie. crack heads, etc)...It pains me to see women with 7 to 9 children, they pawn off on aunts, uncles, grandparents etc...Why does it get to be easy for THEM?

But, eventually, one must stop asking those questions...There are NO answers to them...The world is what it is...NOT fair...It has never been said that the world WAS fair to begin with...I am not sure where this notion came from that everyone will get a baby when they want it just because they are good people...Yet somehow, we cling to that logic and wish everyone a "quick journey to your rainbow baby!" after they have a loss...As if somehow, having endured such heartache, it automatically means you get a baby to even out the scores ...

But the truth is....Not everyone gets a rainbow...

I/we wont ever get a rainbow following the storm of the last 3 years...No, In fact, another storm, of a different variety is headed this way with NO reprieve...

I am going to stop waiting for this infamous "rainbow" to appear, and learn to dance in the rain instead...I might fall in a few puddles, get muddy, and cold, but I will find a way to get through this, and instead of giving birth to a baby, I will be in the midst of a rebirth, of myself...

This year, I have to  rediscover who I am now, and where I am going, now that our plans have changed...I don't know where I am going to be this time, a year from now...I hope a MUCH better place, and closer to living with that JOY I once had in such abundance...I can't make any promises on my progress, but I can promise I am going to work as HARD as I can to get to that place of peace, now that I KNOW, it wont be in a take home baby....

2 comments:

  1. Sometimes life is not fair. It sucks. Big hugs my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Personally, I've found that totally submitting and yielding myself to God's will/plan for me is the only way to have peace. I admit I still hope every month (as long as we have Him, we have hope!) but His grace is truly sufficient for me in the disappointments.

    Praying for you, Meg!

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for any and all comments, I don't always have time to respond, but I appreciate each and every one of them....I also thank you for being respectful while commenting on my blog-