Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Caught...

I feel sometimes as if I am caught between two different worlds...

In one, I am the stupid "Fertile Myrtle", who was oblivious to the pain of infertility, and the depths of pregnancy loss...Who flaunted her pregnancy, and complained like it was going out of style...Who said stupid things like " why don't you adopt" to my friends going through IVF at one point..(insert facepalm-.WTF was I thinking!?)...The one who said to a family member who just miscarries after fertility treatments, " you can just try again!".... That was my life 11 years ago...

In the other world, I am a bitter "infertile/RPL'er"... I have been apart of the "long time TTC groups" for way TOO LONG, and know every TTC acronym possible... Charted my way through the last two and a half years of meds, injects etc, experienced loss after loss, got a devastating diagnosis and eventually, lost part of my reproductive parts...I look at pregnant women, and either want to scream in rage or cry in desperation...I cant walk by the baby isle without breaking down...This is my life now...

Ironically, I WAS, at one time, who I now loathe to be around...Who I some days seem to despise, yet at the same time, envy their ability to enjoy the innocence of it all...I was, one of "those" women who have NO idea what it is like to struggle...Now, I am one of the women, who KNOW first hand what struggle is...

Being caught between the two worlds puts an interesting spin on things...

On one hand, I am thankful I got to experience a time in my life where there was not struggles (not like we have now) in having a family, and I was able to enjoy the bliss of being ignorant of the big bad things that CAN and do, and WOULD eventually happen to others I knew...and...To me......Yet, at the same time I cannot even enjoy those memories, because it just reminds me of what we now cannot ever have...I reminds me that I won't ever, ever get to go back to that time...I cannot un live the pain, and hurt and devastation we have lived through...It is forever etched into my heart, soul, mind and body....Some days, I wish like heck I could "go back" and not have to live through this and Not have to really KNOW what walking down this road is like...

BUT then again, I think, If I had never been through all of this, I would still be that oblivious girl/woman, who has NO idea what loss/struggle and pain of infertility and loss is like... I would just be another walking cliche' spouting out crap to those hurting, and pretending to know as if I can sympathize, saying, I "understand" when I have NO clue....At least now, I do KNOW....I really do understand...I can really come along side a friend, a family member etc, and support them, having been through the ringer so to speak in the fertility world...I am not sure which I would choose, If I had the choice, obviously, I don't have a choice, but hypothetically speaking......Sometimes, Ignorance is bliss....Sometimes, it is not...

The pain and scars that are left behind from our haunting journey are what have made me who I am today,( the good, the bad and the ugly) and given me strength I never knew was possible to have inside of me... It has what has made me a more compassionate and empathetic person...I has shown me so much about myself, and other people in my life/around me..Some of the lessons and wisdom I have gained through this is not something you can learn in a book, or read about and really "get"...You have to have WALKED down your own, very hard, painful,  journey yourself to be able to understand the gravity of it all...

I some days, really hate being caught in between the two worlds...I feel like because I at least had a time where we did not have major struggles, and because we have kids already, that we are almost exempt from being totally grieved over our diagnosis and inability to carry to term now...I should just be happy I got to even have just ONE of my own...If we did not have kids of our own, something tells me, we would probably have tons more support, and concern for our situation...

It is like people think I am nuts for,  #1. Even WANTING another child and #2. I am crazy for having tied after so many losses and put myself through what seems like extremely invasive procedures etc, just to have another baby, when we already have children...Some would give anything JUST for ONE child...To them I must seem like a greedy, whiny witch, who doesn't know how "good she has it"...

What they don't see, is my 4 year old praying for a baby brother every night before she goes to sleep asking me when it will happen, even after I explained to her a ton of times, "mommy cannot have any more babies"...My 11 year old, posting scriptures for healing, praying for me, so I could have another baby and not another loss...The look in their eyes when they know we lost yet another baby, no matter how inconspicuous I try to be, I can never hide the pain from the "phone call" to inform us of another loss, complication etc.....The silence as I stare into the distance, trying not to bawl my eyes out, and pull it together and keep myself upbeat for THEM....To hear them talk about our angels, which seems to always happen on days that are the hardest for me ( ie. anniversaries etc) "when we get to heaven, I wonder what all our brothers and sister will look like!, will they still look like babies? Will they know us?...I wish we could know them now, and not have to wait until we get to heaven"....Everyday, reminders of what was lost, even from the kids we already have....While I am sitting there being thankful for my miracles I  have, I see in them glimpses of who each of our angels COULD have been...I see in my kids here on earth, the miracle of LIFE, the amazing blessing they are...I SO LONG to do that over again, just ONE more time, and I can't...I don't have a choice...To have that ripped away from you, no matter when it takes place is well.....It is heartbreaking...

I hate how the two worlds of Primary infertility and secondary infertility seem to separate us in a world where we should be united...Pain is pain no matter when or how it seems to rear it's ugly head...Loss is loss, no matter how many kids you do or don't already have here on earth...Infertility is infertility...And it SUCKS...

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