Sunday's...

As someone who believes in Jesus Christ, and tries to live my life in such a way that reflects that, however, I fail miserably. I am thankful HE loves me anyway....Aside of that, going to church on Sunday is an important part of my life. Not because I believe, that I HAVE to go, to fulfil some "religious obligation" or anything. No, I go because I know I need to be around people. People who are "like minded" so to speak (yet, ironically, I find most people in churches, no matter where you go, are not all that "like" minded at all. So many have such varying beliefs in doctrine and such, it will astound you if you pay attention- I digress.) I go because, I need to be with people that can encourage and lift me up when I cannot seem to carry on...People who can speak truth, when I need to hear it most...People I can build healthy friendships/spiritual relationships with...Relationships are good! But it is NOT always rainbows and butterflies...In relationship, sometimes things do not always go as "planned" and occasionally we need to trudge through some hard times, (just like we do with our family at home) and keep pressing in  and loving one another through that season...It takes sacrifice, and perseverance and character to stick it out sometimes, but that is how you know you have a real friend...Anyway, that is part of what I love most about church...I wont turn this into a "my church is amazing post"...Moving on...

Some Sunday's, can be harder for me than other's...

One being Mother's day...It can be a HUGE trigger for women struggling with pregnancy loss, infertility, and even loss of a mother, etc...It is a big one for me, having had a "should be" due date from a pregnancy we lost from the year before, and now another one again, this year, which resulted in the loss of the baby, my right tube, and almost my intestine...I also was miscarrying ON Mother's day last year as well...Just bad memories for me...And as much as I love the awesome stuff the kids I DO have, do for me, It never really replaces knowing what "could have been".

The other being, dedication Sunday's, in which a infant is dedicated in front of the congregation. It is a beautiful event for the parents and family, and for the church body...But, for some, it can really be hard to keep it together through, specifically for those dealing with infertility and loss..

So here I am today...Getting ready for church, barely having the desire to go to begin with, because physically, I "should be" back to myself after surgery, but I do NOT feel 100%...I get myself all set to go, and I am like "ok, I am doing this today, and it is going to be great!"...We get there, and I am like a zombie...I feel nothing...Just bleh...That is so NOT me...Get through the songs...And, out of nowhere...Baby dedication...

It was like a smack to the head and a swift kick to the ribs and I was bent over with pain in my heart that felt like a bazillion bones crushing at once...The burning in my eyes, and pain in my chest as it took every fabric of my being to hold in the tears until I reached a private place, was immense. Then, the last 3 years flashes before my eyes, and I felt like I relived it all over again...

I am spending the remainder of the afternoon, emotionally recovering from it all,  and trying not to "dwell" on my own situation, and get wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself...I wish I could get a two week warning before events like that take place, so I can prepare for it better...Honestly, considering the last couple weeks, I may not have even gone today at all, especially considering, I got the ridiculous phone call from the RE yesterday, while leaving IHOP, after having breakfast, where he explained the pathology report on the ectopic says we "may not have gotten it all"...Are you kidding me!? What next!?