Purpose Driven Motherhood

Well, I got CH's yesterday....But, I am still not convinced for some reason. I feel Like the whole cycle has been ONE BIG fake out all the way across the board. So many issues, let downs, set backs etc...I am too afraid to think I o'ed, only to be caught off guard and set back to waiting for AF again because O didn't really happen...I think I am going to go do to the RE Friday morning to see if they can figure out whats is going on between some blood and ultrasound we should be able to get an idea of where I am at in my cycle...If need be, I can do a round of provera I guess, but I need to know what is up one way or the other...I may just wait it out some more too...I dunno......I feel like I cannot rely on my temps/CM/CP or body at all in general right now...Totally sucks...I just wanna move on to next cycle already!    :::stomp, whine, cry, grumble:::: Here is my "spectacular" ( NOT) chart....

I THINK I may have ovulated the other day!! I got a + OPK (I have had those in the past and NOT ovulated  so I still didn't really think anything) and then some EWCM,  now my temp is up two days in a row...Here is hoping I get CH's tomorrow (FF shows CH if tomorrows temp is high again)  and I can finally start counting down to the next cycle! Geez, this has been such an ordeal...I Hope to never have another cycle like this again!

OK- Here are my Liebster Award nominations… Please answer the questions and nominate your own fellow bloggers. In no particular order- Bean journey Eat Love Procreate Our Journey to a baby bump 2 kidney beans Ive seen a love Strong mind, passionate soul, crappy uterus Ok- Here are your 11 questions! If you HAD to choose- Salt or pepper? Favorite place to eat out Girly girl, or tomboy? Are you a saver or spender? Do you  have any animals/pets? How do you like your eggs cooked? Do you floss every time you brush? What is your favorite thing to do to pass the time? Windows or Apple? Would you go sky diving? If you could go back in time and change ONE thing- What would it be, and why?

I’ve been nominated for a Liebster Award!!! Woot! Go ME! HUGE  Thanks to  Wanting another wagner  for the nom! For those who do not know.... The Liebster Blog Award is given to bloggers by bloggers. It is for blogs with less than 200 followers. When you receive the award, you post 11 random facts about yourself and answer 11 questions from the person that nominated you! After that, you nominate another 11 blogs, and ask them 11 questions!- Here are my 11 random facts-    I used to wear glasses for a light sensitivity disorder I ALWAYS buy things on clearance- Like, OCD about it- I WILL NOT pay full price...lol I keep my hair brushes in my freezer in a bag ( dont ask-long story) My parents were professional musicians while I was growing up-  I grew up in so California I have experienced at least 3 BIG earthquakes in my time I went to cosmetology schoo l I hate to wash silverware. I LOVE wearing flip flops and s...

I know I have posted this one before, but it is worth a re- post....I cannot count the time HE gave me the strength to just keep breathing....

It's going to be alright It's going to be alright I can tell by your eyes that you're not getting any sleep And you try to rise above it, but feel you're sinking in too deep Oh, oh I believe, I believe that It's going to be alright It's going to be alright I believe you'll outlive this pain in you heart And you'll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart Oh, oh I believe I believe that It's going to be alright It's going to be alright When some time has past us, and the story if retold It will mirror the strength and the courage in your soul Oh, oh, I believe I believe, I believe I believe I did not come here to offer you clichÈ's I will not pretend to know of all your pain Just when you cannot, then I will hold out faith, for you It's going to be alright It's going to be alright

It was right about this time, last year, that I really started to realize this TTC thing may take a BIT longer than we anticipated...We had a few losses, but I was still rather hopeful, and had been keeping that "just keep trying, just keep trying" (sang in Dori from 'Nemo' type voice) mind frame firm in my head, not letting the doubt cause me to waiver in my assurance we would have a take home baby SOON. I remember thinking- "This time next year, I will either have a newborn, or be BURSTING ready to deliver!.. .I will have name picked out, and know the gender, I will have been shopping for baby stuff and setting up the nursery at the very LEAST". I was so very SURE it would be a different scenario for Thanksgiving of this year...And It should have been...I should have a NEW baby three times over - or be 26+ weeks or 16 weeks- etc etc...I should be enjoying my rainbow...I should be feeling JOY - I should be seeing my new baby grow and grow......-But, I am...

Just wanted to share the Private TTC and dealing with recurrent M/C groups on FB that I started/admin. There are some amazing ladies there, all with various diagnosis's, most no diagnosis, as are most RPL women. You can ask questions, and most of all gain support there, walking through this very hard time, its always nice to have women to relate to. Click HERE to Join-

CD 27-  STILL....NO OVULATION.... That about says it all.... I am frustrated, sad, impatient and realllllllyyyyyyyyyyyyyy disappointed that we are STILL dealing with this hellish cycle! I just wanna move on so we can do our new meds, and actually have a shot at a take home baby!!! Please send me some O/AF vibes! I don't care which one happens, just something!!!!! ANYTHING!!

Me singing "somewhere over the rainbow"...Hard one for me to do without crying-

Yup, that's about all I can do right now is LOL - I got a possible + OPK this morning so yay for that! But by noon it was neg....My temp did dip, so I think O will be soon thank goodness, then we can get on with this cycle and move on to the next! This has been one heck of a cycle/month. - Then, to top off this crazy, stupid, silly couple of weeks/last month... I rolled my ankle and sprained it and jacked the tendon up...Ya, NOT fun, and VERY painful...I just finally recovered from the strange neck pain that spazzed my whole body out and caused me to have to eat valium and hydro's and now I am back to eating hydro's for the stupid ankle...UGH! I am so frustrated with things right now! AND- we are trying to get a new family vehicle, and are waiting for some money to free up to buy one ( and also pay for Braverman testing) And things are LAGGING like crazy! I am not the more patient person in the world, but this whole month has tested me for sure...

UGH- CD 23- and NO sign of O! This is getting ridiculous!! I just want to move on for crying out loud! I hate waiting to O anyway, but even more so when this cycle is basically a bust, and each day feels like a million years! C mon stupid ovaries, and ovulate already so I can get on it with it!!!

‎"Cry if you must, But DON’T MOVE! Having done all to stand, DON’T YOU MOVE till you get your crown because GOD says when I send the crown, I will send the power to the place of your pain! And, until you can deal with your pain, You can’t receive your power. Stop avoiding it, Stop running from it, face it. Your power is in your pain! I came to encourage somebody! Don’t move, don’t jump, don’t quit, STAND RIGHT THERE!!! If you hold on, EVERYTHING God promised you will meet you in the place of your pain. Show me the place of your greatest pain and I’ll show you the place of your greatest promotion. Show me the place that tried you to the breaking point and I’ll show you the place of your prophetic destiny."-T.D.Jakes

Well, I def did not Ovulate- Not even sure what is going on! Good news-- My thyroid is back to normal!??  Maybe the dexamethasone I was on back at the start of my cycle threw it all off?  My estrogen should be higher if I am going to ovulate soon?? My LH is rising,- and so is my FSH-? Aahh- Guess this is going to be one of those months.... Here are my labs from this morning- TSH: 1.17 FSH: 8.16 LH: 7.46 P4: 0.67 E2: 40.36

Strange cycle! Ugh! I am getting sick of this dysfunction I am dealing with in my cycles these days! So as you all know, my CD 3 labs were off, due to this strange bleeding I am having, and even when I repeated the labs on another day- But, my estrogen was still just "too high" ( and my thyroid was off) to cycle with meds- so they canceled me- and told me to call in with the next AF- So the bleeding continues, and gets worse as the days go by...After all was said and done, with spotting included, I bled for 15 days- 8 of those days were super heavy flow with large clots- then a few medium light days and some spotting before and after- I didn't even bleed that heavy, for that long after giving birth in the past! No one could tell me why I was bleeding this way.... Finally after what seemed like forever dealing with AF- I was down to super mild spotting. DH and I jumped on the chance for some fun together, but not cause we want to TTC, but cause it has just been ...

I feel like everything is falling apart. Pretty much everywhere in my life, things are in chaos, and shambles... To start with, the whole canceled cycle thing has only gotten worse- My TSH ( thyroid labs) have gotten even worse in a matter of days and no one knows why, I am STILL bleeding now, 12 days total- and it is NOT letting up- I dont bleed this long, ever, even after giving birth!? I don't get it! BUT I guess a little part of me is happy we did not try to cycle anyway, as it is certain this cycle would be a bust, regardless of what we did/do- But still.... So then, yesterday morning, I wake up feeling fine....Within a HOUR of being awake, my neck locks up, and I cant move it a bit- excruciating pain.I toughed it out all day, then finally decided, OK, I need to go get some meds for this, as I was laying on the couch bawling like a baby from the pain...Off to Urgent care we went... I get there explain the last week or so, in regards to hormones, bleeding,...