Purpose Driven Motherhood

I am so sick of all the SHIT!!! Yes, I used profanity...It's that kind of day/week/month....   Just got a call from the RE office, and after looking at my chart further, RE said NO cycling this month after all..::whine/stomp/scream/cry:::   He said my TSH (which took a jump from 1.24, just 6 weeks ago to 4.09 Friday, to 8.20 Yesterday which is now a whole other issue on it's own!) and my estrogen which was STILL at 163,  I am not ok to cycle, and the nurse who said yesterday, that I was at baseline, was wrong ( looked at wrong levels from wrong day)...Freaking great. I already took a dose of Femara, last night...I am sure it wont do any real harm, but none the less... So, no TTC/ no intralipids nadda... Maybe it is best anyway...Since in the last week BOTH our cars decided to die, leaving us in a pinch, and rather stressed out scrambling for $$ and transportation for a few days, and now trying to figure out whats worth it to put money into etc...Not to mentio...

Turns out, my labs on Friday were not really done on "CD 3"- I misjudged the heavish spotting as "light flow"- it went on for 3 days, and I thought I would just have a lighter cycle...Well, REAL flow came on sat morning, and today, I went and had my labs redrawn, and they are baseline! yay! However, my TSH is all sorts of off- so they adjusted my meds, and will recheck them in a few weeks- I will still follow up on things with my regular endo just to be sure. BUT, I get to keep my intralipid appt!! Yay! I cannot wait!! Now to hope that Sandy does not kill it for me, and keep the power out and roads closed....

Just great- This whole cycle is shot- They finally got all the rest of my labs back from Friday (after the lab screwed it all up) and my hormones are whacked out. My Estrogen is 350 still...And even though HCG was neg, and progesterone was baseline, my estrogen was not, Which means NO meds, NO intralipids and a busted cycle...She said I more than likely have a cyst. I have to call back Mon, and go for a u/s and blood again, but by then it will be too late to start meds, and do my infusion...::cry:: =(

I am all set to go, Wed at 1 pm for my Intralipid infusion. I am excited and nervous all at the same time. I can't wait to get this cycle moving! =) What are Intralipids? Hopefully part of the crazy cocktail that will give us a THB! Intralipids Reduce NK cell activation - calm down overactive immune system/inflammation. (to help keep body from rejecting or attacking the embryo)  http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18782287  As effective as IVIg  http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17362387  Intralipids are safer than IVIg as they do not contain any blood products. ILs are also around 10x cheaper than IVIg. More information: Intralipid (IL), is a synthetic product composed of 10% soybean oil, 1,2% egg yolk phospholipids, 2.25% glycerin and water. Based on research performed at SIRM and elsewhere, infusion of IL lowers Natural Killer cell activation (Nka) as effectively as does, intravenous gammaglobulin (IVIG.) When indicated ...

Well... Finally, after a whack-adoodle second half of my super early O cycle, AF is here! Time to officially start TTC  again! I am so stoked. I have to give a call in to my RE and schedule a clinic visit for labs and my intralipid infusion! I start my dexmethasone tonight, and Femara on CD 3. I am so stoked to be moving on with this new plan, and hopefully only a short time away from snagging a take home baby! Here we go!

Yesterday was a hard one for me. October 15th marks pregnancy and infant loss awareness day, and all over I saw reminders of our angels....Part of me felt connected to them again, and then, part of me felt so distant from reality... I lit some candles in memory of our angel's my friend's angel's and the rest of the world...                          Forever and always in my heart- I love you all my precious angel babies!!

Its so hard to watch the seasons go by...    It's so hard to still be here -Hoping, praying, ,crying, desperate....Trying so hard to be patient, but desiring to get on the other side of this all...Each season that goes by, digs a bigger hole into my heart, creating this deep pain...I grieve what I do not have, and at the same time what could have been, so many times over...It is such a hard place to be in...I fight my way out, and go about the day, trying to live normal life, but every so often is creeps in, stronger than usual, and gives me a reality check...I am still wandering around inside a real life nightmare... I watch the leaves turn an amazing gold, red, yellow, orange ...Crisp and brilliant...I watch them fall ever so softly, ushering the chilly, brisk air...My heart sinks as low as the fog in the valley...We enter another holiday season with no baby, and no sticky bean...We inch closer to the 2 year actively trying mark.....

I DID actually ovulate early this month! I am still a tad shocked by it all. Totally not my "norm". Anyway that means this cycle will go MUCH faster, and we can get on with TTC next month- Here is my strange looking chart. This cycle has also kicked my butt- I had some KILLER cramps the other day, way earlier than normal in my cycle...Not sure what that was about...Anyway, I am anxious to get on with it and on to next cycle! counting down days!  I will be picking up my meds this week for all the immune protocol etc.  Turns out my progesterone in oil is NOT covered by insurance, so that will be about 75 bucks- yuck, but we will give it a try I guess!

And I should have crosshiars!! Holy CRAP! I ovulated on CD 13!! My earliest O ever since charting for over 30+ months! I am quite surprised! I was overjoyed when the last two cycles yielded a CD 15 O day, but this? I am floored! Maybe the metformin is kicking in, and moving my O day up? Who knows really... I am not entirely sure what caused it, but I will take it!! Generally, my O day varies from CD 16- CD 22, with no real rhyme or reason, so I am used to things never being the same in any given cycle, but never in my wildest dreams  would I have guessed I would ovulate on CD 13! This means, this cycle will go by faster, and we can get to TTC faster!!  And that I ovulated in the "normal" time range!!! The only glitch?............... We had a super spontaneous, super HOT (more than amazing) BD session on CD 10....Me, thinking, (in a split second moment while I was all riled up- yes I realized my judgement may have been skewed due to the p...

Nothing really going on...Just trying to pass the time...Been cleaning, and organizing so we are all ready for Holiday's and winter etc... I THINK I may have either Ovulated super early, or just geared up to O...Wont really know for a couple more days, once I see what my temps do, but if I had to go on CM and CP alone, I would have totally thought I ovulated 100%...Part of me really hopes I did, so we can get on with  this cycle and have it be over faster! LOL. I there was a way I would fast forward time, I would be using it right now, that is for sure! But, for now...I clean, and stay as busy as I can , so the days go by as fast as they can! Estimated time left till TTC: 18 days!

So I have been looking for info regarding progesterone in oil injections so I can be prepared on how to do this. I stumbled upon a vid on youtube that shows you how. Come to find out, this is my fertility clinic who shot the vid. anyway...YIKES! that needles it HUGE! I am NOT looking forward to that, but I will do whatever it takes for a take home baby!!!

I went to the RE this morning for my HSG, to check the condition of my tubes, since the recent ectopics. I had a HSG, back in July 2011 that showed things were well in there, but we wanted to be sure nothing was gunked up before we started to TTC with the new immune meds. Anyway, results: Both tubes OPEN, clear and NO swelling! yay!!! Good news!!!!!!! Here is a pic- So, now that we have determined my tubes are all good, we can start moving forward with our plan. We decided to wait in seeing Braverman until after the first of the year, and are going to cycle locally at my RE- Using, Femara, Intralipids, dexamethsone, progesterone in oil injections and prometrium vaginally after O. If in two cycles, we either do not get pregnant or have a m/c we will go right to Braverman and get tested, but I am hoping the new meds and especially the intralipids will do the trick!! Now to pass the time, until next cycle!!

   So, the Appt with Braverman is set,  but now, we are having car issues, and DH might have to work that week/day. That, combined with the 400 bucks I need to get down there, pay for child care, pay my co pays, gas etc... It is looking like we will have to wait till after the first of the year to go down there for testing. It totally sucks. If both cars did not need to be fixed/inspected etc, we would be able to swing it, but as it stands right now, we will have to change the plans...    The ONLY good thing...My local RE, is willing to cycle with me, using femara, dexamethasone (a steroid like prednisone to suppress immune issues), Intralipids ( IV infusions that lower the NK cell activity) Lovenox, progesterone and estrogen. So, basically, what I would be doing with Braverman anyway, since I cannot afford the IVIG treatments, those are 3 grand a pop, and need to be done every 2 weeks!! The intralipids are about 80 to 100 bucks a pop, also ne...