Purpose Driven Motherhood

High fructose corn syrup  is, unfortunately, one of the top four ingredients in soft drinks, low fat salad dressings and nearly all types of fast foods and highly  processed foods . HFCS is also found in beer, pasta sauce, protein bars, bread, convenience foods, frozen foods, and, well, pretty much every type of food we routinely eat. Even more alarming is that the corn which is being grown to produce the vast amounts of high fructose corn syrup made largely from  genetically modified corn --which comes with its own set of dangers. High fructose corn syrup is currently manufactured to either contain equal amounts of fructose and glucose, or over eighty percent fructose and twenty percent glucose. While glucose is metabolized by every cell in the body, fructose is metabolized solely in the liver. More and more common are those who have never drunk alcohol, yet end up with cirrhosis of the liver-or fatty liver-- due entirely to the massive amounts of high fructose corn syr...

My antihistamine protocol! yay!! AND, to top it off, our BD timing was GREAT, and my chart is looking freaking awesome this month!!! I hate that I am already getting so stoked about this cycle, cause I know how bad the let down is, but then again, no amount of restrained joy or optimism, makes it easier if it is "over", so I guess I will stick to being excited and positive. It should make the next week a LOT easier to deal with...and Hopefully I can stick with the same frame of mind should we get a BFP... I am so sick of being pessimistic about it all, but some days I just can't help it...

Got another temp rise today! I Ovulated!! 2 days past ovulation today! I will get my Cross hairs tomorrow!!! That puts me with a Hopeful EDD of Oct 18th 2012! I HOPE, hope, hope this is the month!! I start the antihistamine protocol tomorrow! I am anxious to see how it works out...I have read a few more forums and success stories about it over the last few days...Some think it only the prednisone that does the trick, but I think the other meds have a link too... So, I will try it this month with no prednisone, and if it is a no go, i'll be asking the RE next cycle to try a low dose 5 mg Prednisone to go along with the other meds and see how it goes. I do hope though that we don't have to go on to "next cycle"....

I stumbled across some info the other day on a few different sites and forums, that talked about some reproductive immunologists giving some ladies with repeat un explained losses this cocktail of meds to help dampen down the immune system a bit around implantation. I read a couple personal accounts of ladies who took it with success and a few ramblings from the DR's who were discussing the theory behind it a bit...  Basically, you take a claritin pill in the morning, a pepcid at noon and a bennadryl or prednisone in the evening. ( I will take the bennadryl instead of prednisone, as I don't tolerate it well, and bennadryl is OTC) and You start taking this cocktail around 3to4 days past ovulation (or in the case of the IVF ladies, 2 days before transfer) and it is supposed to possibly help those with underlying immune issues and recurrent unexplained losses. Then I started thinking about it, and in each of my full term pregnancies, I had been taki...

I am so stoked! I finally got a + OPK this month!! For the last few cycles I had trouble catching my surge. I would test 4 times a day,from CD12-20 and still never get a +...It was frustrating! So I fully expected this same thing to happen this month, and to my surprise, this morning I got a beautiful + Ovulation test!! I am praying this is "the" month we get that take home baby to stick!!!

I am just so full of mixed emotions as I enter this cycle's fertile period. I go back and forth from being so hopeful and expectant that this will be THE month, to,  this overwhelming fear of another failed cycle or miscarriage....I know I need to just stop thinking about it, but I can't. I want to be able to say, I have relaxed, and been revived. But frankly, I am just as sad an desperate for this journey to be over with as I was when I started "trying" to not stress. I know that our blessing will come... I just hate not knowing WHEN... and going through the motions over and over and over again.... Lord help me.... My heart goes out to those who are in this same place... It is just such a difficult spot to be in. My prayers are with you... May this be the year of many blessings to those who have been waiting so patiently! :baby dust:

I broke down.... And started temping,  again. ..LOL. I just could not do it anymore! The thought of going into my fertile phase "blind" made me sick. How sad is that, I can't stop temping for a few days without going nuts! But seriously, I feel much less obsessed now, because I can have control over something. I need that reassurance that I am timing it all ok, that I am doing whatever I can to better my chances... I feel like "letting go" is just giving up... and I am NOT  a quitter! I will keep going until we get our rainbow... our take home miracle baby! I know Our time is soon... So here I am on CD 11.... few days out form O...I am feeling pretty positive about this month...I have been eating better, and exercising more, and trying to relax more in my over all sense of well being. I stress out not just about TTC stuff, but also the things that need to be/ didn't get, and REALLLLLY needed to be done, just life stuff..... Itt never gets me anywhere ot...

So, I HATE New year resolutions, and did not make one this year in regards to weight or anything else really on purpose. I do want to strive to be healthier, physically, spiritually, and emotionally, but I will not make some silly "promise" to myself I know I wont follow through with...lol.  I mean let's be realistic, how often have I ever followed through with it before?.... Anyway, back to my point... So I stepped on my Wii fit board yesterday, in order to assess the damage done by holiday's etc....Oh I wish I had NOT done that!! 10+ lbs! ?? really!!??? Defeat set in in....and I just felt like eating a HUGE bowl of ice cream and saying screw it!!!.....But, then I realized, I needed to DO something about this. It was not just holiday over indulgence... no this has been creeping up on me the last few months. I blame most of it on TTC and the hormones from the femara and clomid, BUT I also just "let go" and ate myself into oblivion in order to ease t...

I thought that taking a step back and not doing so much TTC craziness would make me feel better....But, with the start of this new cycle, and this supposed new-found "freedom",  I only feel worse... It is like no matter what I do, think, say or feel, this journey just keeps getting harder... It is harder to see the BFP's and the u/s pic's and the baby bellies...Harder to see the newborns and the baby stuff as I walk through target...Harder not to get angry, and frustrated and cry and scream at the top of my lungs "WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!!!!" I KNOW in my heart we are supposed to have another baby...But, I am just so broken and sad today.... I am missing the babies I lost.....Another BFP won't take away that pain...not even another healthy baby born can take it away...I just want to be done with all of this...But on I go...I must try, try again, and keep the FAITH that one day we WILL bring home our rainbow baby... with all that be...

I have decided after 22 months of charting, numerous supplements, 3 medicated cycles. timing BD, using special lube on certain days, more than a couple losses, and a whole lot of emotions later, to take a step back, and just live life for one month. I am going to refocus on my self, both physically, and spiritually. I am not going to try and control everything...THAT is a scary thought for me.... I am a control freak... BUT I am sooo tired of it. I really hope I gain a little bit of freedom and relax a bit on this new little break. I also hope to lose a few pounds! (The holidays did a number on me this year) OK, so here we go... ready..... set.... NO more TTC craziness! P.S.  This does NOT mean I will not be updating this blog, so stick around...=)

How in just a few short hours, I can go from feeling soooooo optimistic and totally revived and ready to face this year...To,  feeling like sobbing at every little tiny thing... Or flying off the handle over  nothing... I blame the clomid. LOL! But seriously, this road, called TTC can get a bit....insane... Let me explain... I live my life in 2 week increments, all wrapped around timing BD and taking meds, setting timers for temping and taking vitamins 3 times a day, staring at pee sticks over and over again while snapping pics to post online..... then repeat every month... expecting a different result... the definition of insanity... yup...that sums it up...lol... I am trying to embrace my TTC insanity, but I am wearing thin... this journey is getting OLD... really OLD... Please let there be a end in sight....

Many people ask me, "did it work!?" in regards to my tubal reversal. I guess the answer to that all depends on what you consider successful. I consider mine to be a total success even though we have not had our tubal reversal baby yet. I went for my reversal in the beginning, primarily for the relief of Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome ( PTLS )  that I developed after my Tubal ligation in July 09'. After months and months of research, I was ready to take a chance and try to get some relief.  Immediately following  the TR I felt better, and within 3 weeks I was almost totally "normal" again. The "bonus" or secondary reason for the TR was to have another miracle baby. Surgery it self  was a total success. I ended up with 5 cm's on my left side, and 6.5 on my right side. ( I had a modified pomeroy originally) The procedure itself went super smooth, and I woke with no pain, and had a super easy recovery. Chapel Hill Tubal Reversal Center was amazing! (...

The year 2011 was filled with so many great things, and some not so great things. I learned so much about myself, and gained invaluable wisdom, made some wonderful friends, and everlasting memories...Celebrated, mourned, and survived, yet another year... I am just in awe at how life works out...3 years ago, I would have told you that you were NUTS if you had said this is what my life would look like today. Things can change so much, at the drop of a dime...you never know what is going to come around the bend. Here we are 10 months post a tubal reversal I never thought would even happen, and with a NEW opportunity every month to try for another miracle baby...and this year, I am going at it with a new mind set....A new year...A new season...New HOPE, and renewed faith... Despite our struggles and losses, I am thankful for this second chance...Thankful for the possibility that this new year holds...Thankful that my Post Tubal Ligation Syndrome is long gone... Thankful for th...

Just wanted to write a quick note to all of my followers...I hope and pray this year brings many blessings, and HOPE, and a renewed faith for whatever you are believing for! Let 2012 be a year of amazing things!! =)