Skip to main content

Hope...Oh why do you creep back in? WHY!!!?

Image
By
Have this LOVE/HATE relationship with HOPE....On one hand, it makes me feel good to know, after all we have  been through, I still have a spark of hope left inside...It means, I am not totally crushed...

On the the other hand....I hate that I even have the THOUGHT of ever wanting to "try" again (on our own without intervention - more like not trying, not preventing)...I hate that there is this small spark of hope.... I really struggle with the fact that there is a part of me, STILL believing in a miracle....Because I cannot endure more losses...Or God forbid, another ectopic...

How is that even possible after all we have endured that there is still some hope left??? I have NO idea....I almost wish I didn't have this spark of hope, so I could fully move on, and accept life without another baby of our own....But then, I go back to what the DR said about my last little one...How there is NO way she could have survived, and yet, she did...

I have had sooooo many circumstances, in which, the IMPOSSIBLE, came to be not only possible, but a full on miracle.....So, it is hard to just squash every little bit of desire I have inside of me, to see a miracle in this situation...Yet, for 2 years, every day, I pleaded for a miracle, and just had loss after loss....So...Where do I go from here??

How can I move on, when I simply cannot get rid of  this super small portion of hope?

=/


Comments

  1. EmilyAugust 18, 2013 at 2:30 PM

    I can relate. Sometimes I wish I could just stop hoping if it isn't going to happen, so I could just move on. But low and behold hope rears it's beautiful head once again, and we keep putting one foot in front of the other. My situation is different than yours, but I still have that same love hate relationship with hope. For now, I'm embracing it, but at times I wish it would just go away and stop faking me out!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MegDE2015August 18, 2013 at 7:06 PM

      I have so been in that cycle....I find it starting to come back around and I hate it...Especially when i tried so hard to move into the acceptance phase of this journey...That our chance is over...gone...BUT, HOPE always whispers, "try one more time" and I just don't know if I can take another loss, or God forbid another ectopic, especially considering the side effects I had last time from methotrexate-

      Delete

Post a Comment

Thanks for any and all comments,

Popular posts from this blog

What you should know if you are considering a tubal reversal

By
Its been 8 years. 8 years since we took a trip to NC to see DR. Montieth in Chapel Hill. I remember being so excited. I had this picture in my head of how it was going to go during, and after it all. For those of you who don't know, I had my tubes tied in 2009, after the birth of my 3rd, directly following a traumatic still birth. It was a decision made out of fear and trauma, not an informed decision. I ended up having adverse health issues (PTLS) after, and was desperate to find a solution. I stumbled upon a private chat room with others also struggling. Several had gone for a reversal, and seemed to feel so MUCH better after. I had already seen my doctor umpteen times, and they offered no solutions, and insinuated it was "in my head".... I saw all of these ladies posting the day OF surgery saying that they felt relief! I was like, "Yes, this is it!!"... So we saved the 6 Grand, and went and did the reversal. I was PUMPED. I started a blog, YouTube video and F
1 comment
Read more

Some statistics on Miscarriage

By
Miscarriage Statistics Overall miscarriage risk is 17-22%; risk after gestational sac is visible is 12-15% Miscarriage is one of the most frequent problems in human pregnancy. The most widely accepted definition is that proposed by the World Health Organization in 1977. The incidence among clinical pregnancies  (a pregnancy that is confirmed by both high levels of hCG and ultrasound confirmation of a gestational sac)  is about 12-15%, but including early pregnancy losses it is 17-22%. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11950476 After heartbeat is detected, risk of miscarriage is 9.4% at 6wks; 4.2% at 7wks; 1.5% at 8wks; 0.5% at 9wks To estimate the risk of miscarriage among asymptomatic women after a prenatal visit between 6 and 11 weeks of gestation where proof of fetal viability of a singleton was obtained by office ultrasonography at the same visit. METHODS: Those recruited were 697 asymptomatic women who attended their first antenatal visit between 6 (+2 days) and 11(+
Post a Comment
Read more

Trust & New Pajamas

By
So, a blog comment I got the other day from wonderful woman, and awesome supporter of mine, caused me to pause a bit, and kind of evaluate some things about my faith and relationship with God. Which I truly appreciate, because she was kind and not judgy in her words...And I felt God gently nudge my heart each time I read the comment over... I felt my face start to burn with emotion, as tears welled up in my eyes...And I finally admitted to myself... I do NOT trust God...At least not fully, like I once did... But I desperately WANT to be at that point again....Trusting fully...And filled with peace... I walked into this journey,  to try for one more, 100% SURE , God was calling us/giving us the desire  to have another baby...I/we were, 100% certain we would walk away with a baby in our arms...As a matter of fact, I would have bet my LIFE on it. Now, 3 years later, I am broken, weary, and so utterly soul shattered, that I simply cannot "look" God in the eyes...H
10 comments
Read more