Have this LOVE/HATE relationship with HOPE....On one hand, it makes me feel good to know, after all we have been through, I still have a spark of hope left inside...It means, I am not totally crushed...
On the the other hand....I hate that I even have the THOUGHT of ever wanting to "try" again (on our own without intervention - more like not trying, not preventing)...I hate that there is this small spark of hope.... I really struggle with the fact that there is a part of me, STILL believing in a miracle....Because I cannot endure more losses...Or God forbid, another ectopic...
How is that even possible after all we have endured that there is still some hope left??? I have NO idea....I almost wish I didn't have this spark of hope, so I could fully move on, and accept life without another baby of our own....But then, I go back to what the DR said about my last little one...How there is NO way she could have survived, and yet, she did...
I have had sooooo many circumstances, in which, the IMPOSSIBLE, came to be not only possible, but a full on miracle.....So, it is hard to just squash every little bit of desire I have inside of me, to see a miracle in this situation...Yet, for 2 years, every day, I pleaded for a miracle, and just had loss after loss....So...Where do I go from here??
How can I move on, when I simply cannot get rid of this super small portion of hope?
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On the the other hand....I hate that I even have the THOUGHT of ever wanting to "try" again (on our own without intervention - more like not trying, not preventing)...I hate that there is this small spark of hope.... I really struggle with the fact that there is a part of me, STILL believing in a miracle....Because I cannot endure more losses...Or God forbid, another ectopic...
How is that even possible after all we have endured that there is still some hope left??? I have NO idea....I almost wish I didn't have this spark of hope, so I could fully move on, and accept life without another baby of our own....But then, I go back to what the DR said about my last little one...How there is NO way she could have survived, and yet, she did...
I have had sooooo many circumstances, in which, the IMPOSSIBLE, came to be not only possible, but a full on miracle.....So, it is hard to just squash every little bit of desire I have inside of me, to see a miracle in this situation...Yet, for 2 years, every day, I pleaded for a miracle, and just had loss after loss....So...Where do I go from here??
How can I move on, when I simply cannot get rid of this super small portion of hope?
=/
I can relate. Sometimes I wish I could just stop hoping if it isn't going to happen, so I could just move on. But low and behold hope rears it's beautiful head once again, and we keep putting one foot in front of the other. My situation is different than yours, but I still have that same love hate relationship with hope. For now, I'm embracing it, but at times I wish it would just go away and stop faking me out!
ReplyDeleteI have so been in that cycle....I find it starting to come back around and I hate it...Especially when i tried so hard to move into the acceptance phase of this journey...That our chance is over...gone...BUT, HOPE always whispers, "try one more time" and I just don't know if I can take another loss, or God forbid another ectopic, especially considering the side effects I had last time from methotrexate-
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