Purpose Driven Motherhood

After filling out some of the info, and being asked questions about my losses form the Law firm for the DES claim, My angels have been heavy on my heart...I lit a candle in honor of them, and all of the little babies who flew away too soon...You will always be loved and missed, and never forgotten.

So after researching some more on the below mentioned drug DES, I stumbled across a law firm in NYC taking information from 2nd and 3rd generation people who have been affected by this. So I filled out a little form and get a call back, they asked a bunch more info an about my experiences and fertility issues, and my mother's as well. They said they will be calling me back to let me know if I have have a case at all or if there is anything they can use from my info. I know it seems kind if silly but I am grasping at straws here trying to find answers, or a cause...I just cannot believe someone can have 10 pregnancy losses for "no reason"...This may go totally no where, but at least at the end of the day I can say I did EVERYTHING and left no stone un-turned. Some days it is easier than others to come to the realization that this is the cards I have been dealt.

So growing up, I had heard stories about my maternal grandmother, and her issues with holding on to a pregnancy she had many losses, early and late, and even lost a child after birth. I was told by my mother and my 3 other Aunt's that my grandmother was given DES with most of them to keep the pregnancies, including my the pregnancy with my Mother. Then as time went on, I began to hear about my own mother's struggles to stay pregnant. She had 12+ miscarriages, and only 2 lives births in 15+ years. Of course back then, the DR's never had ANY answers for that type of thing. I am Lucky to be here and alive... I was not until about 6 months ago, I started to connect the dots in regards to what I am experiencing. I have to wonder, if it may be related. Then the question is, if it is hereditary, or if it is due to the drugs that were taken by my Grandmother, that they are now finding to cause harm to the 3rd generation men and women of the people who were exposed. that's rig...

I would be lying if I said I was not a little excited today. I had 3 days of + OPK's, and EWCM that stretched 10 inches in abundance! I have not seen CM like that in years! I was totally stoked too, since this is my all natural cycle, after 5 medicated cycles. Last few months my CM has been horrendous, even on the femara(like clomid, but is supposed to not dry you out or thin lining).I also just feel really "off". Of course at 2 dpo, I know that's progesterone and not a pregnancy hormones, but I always do feel a little strange in my BFP cycles reallllly early on...I really HOPE this is OUR cycle! It would be awesome to get a + test on our One year TTC date, and have it be our take home baby..And then the last 7 losses comes to mind, and I find it hard. Hard to be excited or get invested. I want this SOOOOOOO bad...My heart just keeps aching every time I see a new baby, or a belly...I want it to be OUR turn!.... Come on little Rainbow baby... we are ready for you!!

I woke up to a new day, and feeling like the old me! I can finally say I do not feel so bummed out and pessimistic! yay!!! It may have SOMETHING to do with my +OPK I got yesterday and today.. And, while I KNOW it does not automatically mean we will get a take home baby this month, it DOES mean we have a shot! No matter what the outcome is, I have pretty much come to the conclusion that, I need to let this "go" and let God take the burden from me for a while...And stop looking to DR's (who have NO answers for me) to give me the solution to my problem...I know God is faithful, and will come though for me, in the right timing. I Know his promise for our blessing of another baby will not go void...even if it does not happen in MY time. So, today, I am at peace, and feel JOY...I will take it...AND, try to keep myself in this place and not let the negative bog me down. =)

I got one today! I am kind of surprised. I was not even going to OPK, but my RE asked me to, so i did not have to come in for yet another u/s. So I started yesterday morning. I Should O today or tomorrow. I don't know If I am going to get excited this month or not...I am undecided. Right now, I am just happy I have had a reasonably easy cycle with no ambiguity. Let the BD begin!

Went well. my follie grew to 22mm and things were looking good! Got a super nice temp dip, lots of EWCM and some ferning action in the scope. I am not getting my hopes too high for this months, but at least I am going to O well this month. I am battling a wonderful sinus infection too at the moment..Just lovely....However the antibiotics made for some awesome CM last day or so! Thankful for little things. ;)

I went to the RE office for clinic yesterday to get a peek at my follicles and stuff. They also drew some blood work. I had one follicle on my left side, measuring 18mm on CD 13. So far all is looking well for being a un medicated cycle. I go back tomorrow for another re check on my follie and more blood work. We are not really "trying" this month, but are not really preventing either. If it "happens" it does, if not, we have a saline u/s to look forward to as a game plan for next month. Still really struggling with staying positive, but I am doing my best.... one day at a time...

This song says exactly what I am screaming inside...

This is getting a bit out of control... The last few days have been hell...I have had to force myself just to get dressed and leave the house, all while fighting off massive anxiety attacks.. and I almost hyperventilated while my hubby was trying to...um...be intimate with me...The thought of his sperm getting me pregnant again, only to lose it has me wrapped in fear that feels like s straight jacket. I have freaking lost it! I cry at every baby pic, and every pregnancy announcement...I feel this rage in side as I watch yet another ass hat get blessed with a beautiful baby that they didn't even want... I have decided to seek out some counseling. I think I need a place to go and just let it all out...I started this blog in hopes of having it as a outlet for all of this junk, but I even feel like you all can't stand my terrible, pessimistic outlook on life right now. I hate who I am, and what I have become on the bad days...I am trying to hold tight knowing good days will soo...

I cannot seem to shake this funky mood I am in...I know I need to just put on my big girl panties and get over it, and stop feeling sorry for myself. I Just cannot seem to bring my self to do it. I have NO desire to BD, OPK,temp, or obsess about ANYTHING TTC related now...It is almost as if I have lost the hope and there is nothing to even look forward too.... I do know this will pass. But, at the moment it feels so consuming and never ending. I need a light at the end of the tunnel to keep my eye on here...and I just keep losing sight of it these days. No one can say anything to make it better, or do anything to fix it...I am just stuck waiting...This applies to many areas of my life...I am STUCK...But screaming inside for a change...praying for anything to give way to this crazy season of life I am in... something has got to give...

OK. So, I went in to see the RE. we chatted and updated on a few things/info on chart. then I asked him about his take on immune issues in fertility. We spoke about Braverman and Dr. Beer( who is passed now). He actually worked with Dr. Beer back in the 90's for a little while.. anyway. he basically said he does NOT believe in it, except for maybe the rare less than 1 % case. But he said I am far from that with 3 live births etc.(so no prednisone at all) He offered to monitor me for the rest of this cycle as a unmedicated one, to get a peek at what is going on hormonally and by u/s on a regular cycle. But he said that was subjective too, as cycles vary from month to month. Then I will have a saline ultrasound to look for issues inside after AF next month. Then if all is well, I am going to do a letrozole cycle with a trigger for luteal support and to trigger O. Not sure what that will land us, but at least there is something to look forward too,...=/ I think... I am kind of feel...

I just finished making my check list of things to bring up with my RE today, since it takes 3 months to get in there and a 50 buck co pay a pop...ugh. Anyway, I am going to try and get the MOST out of this visit that I can. I want some freaking answers dammit! I am so sick of this "streak of bad luck" bull crap... 7 losses in a year is NOT bad luck. statistically, 4 consecutive m/c's is so uncommon, most people have a less than 1 % chance of it happening... yet again, I am part of that 1 freaking % that has this crap to deal with. Most days I take it in stride and hold on hope I can help someone else one day through MY struggles, BUT today, I am sooooo NOT in the mood... I want ANSWERS!! I will update when I get back with the plan of action.

Karaoke!!!! =) My shot at Adele on a early saturday morning..LOL =)

CD4: That is all I am doing... Taking it one day, one step, one moment at a time. Despite the sadness of yet another loss... I had had an amazing week with many victories that I had been waiting for, for a VERY long time...It has kept me occupied and kept me from dwelling on it all. I want to believe that if we try again, something will just "click" and we will have our take home baby. I thought that the last 3 times we got pregnant. I thought, statistically speaking, there is NO way it could happen AGAIN... And then it it DOES.... AGAIN.... I made an appt with my RE again. I am going to ask for a saline Ultrasound and a laproscopic peek inside to make sure there is nothing abnormal that has not been seen. Not only because of the repeat losses, but also because I have experienced many cycles with irregular mid cycle bleeding. I hope to walk away from this next month with a clearer picture of what is going on... fingers crossed we can make it happen soon so I only have...

Woke up with a mild hangover after the 3 glasses of wine I had last night... Still in a fog. Tests still faintly positive... Don't ask me why I even bothered to test... Maybe a small part of me thought I would wake up and POAS and see two bright pink lines and it would all be just a dream.... But It wasn't... I just want AF to start so I can get on with it so I can go for some more tests... or maybe acupuncture... anything...I just want to not be broken anymore....

Got the call... levels are dropping.. it's another loss.... I am numb.

OK. so The last day or so has been pretty rough for me... I go from super elated, so super scared, then angry, then sad, and repeat... It seems as though my tests  have not really progressed, and I am still getting suuuuper faint lines on first response tests...and for 14 dpo, that makes me a bit nervous...I know the ONLY real way to know what is going on is with a beta, so this morning at 7 am, I will go for my first draw and see where things are at. Thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach. The stress and the waiting. The unknown....The possibility of this NOT being "the one"... It all just feels so over whelming.... Yea, sure, I know I SHOULD be happy, and deep down I am, but dealing with repeat losses strips you of almost every bit of joy connected to a subsequent pregnancy, and takes just a little bit more with each loss, and BFP... I should get my results later today. In the mean time, I am going to TRY and NOT worry, and NOT get too pessimistic abou...

One more step closer to that rainbow baby! Today the tests have gotten darker!! I know I have many more steps to take before we see that heart beat or get to take this baby home, but I rejoice in the fact that I am at least pregnant today and things are progressing!

That hurricane of emotions I have been going through the last few days was all for a reason.... We seem to have caught the eggy!!! BFP!!! EDD is 10/18/12! Of course...I KNOW there is a chance for loss... BUT I am trying to see past that, and be joyful for this moment.. and this day.. and for this baby... Lord help me...

I have DH go get the mail, and just so happen to get some samples/formula checks/baby registry crap today... Of all the days...I mean really!? I just want to crawl in a hole and cry...I should be 2 months away from having my April baby... But instead, here I sit blogging about my sad, pathetic TTC journey... something have to give... soon....

Logically, I KNOW I am still "in the game" and have plenty of time for a BFP being I am only 9 dpo, but inside of me is feeling so let down and disappointed...I had what I thought were possible early BFP's 7/8 dpo... Now, nothing. I know That there is a HUGE possibility the lines I saw were just bad tests (two different brands), and that I am heading to a nice beautiful BFP in a day or so, but why is it soooooo hard to actually believe that today. Some days there is so much hope, and I think " this is IT", then, the very next day I am all in knots, and frustrated at the thought of having to bare yet another cycle TTC....:::sigh::: This chapter needs to be over so I can get to the next one... I am so done TTC,... =(

What is that exactly? POAS= Pee on a stick (aka taking a home pregnancy test) and well...yes... I am addicted to taking them... It all started back a few years ago when we were TTC our daughter Kaitlyn. I had discovered the world of dollar store tests!! The first time I only bought one, and with sheer delight, ran home to take it, feeling pretty excited I just saved myself 16 bucks on a box of first response tests that I had NO business taking at 7 DPO ...Of course after seeing the inevitable BFN, I started thinking of other reasons to go out to the $ store and then bought 5... and then went to another $ store a few miles away and bought 10...and so on... we got pregnant with Kate on the 2nd cycle trying, so my addiction did not get to develop fully... Fast forward a few years...Now, TTC for 11months and, they NOW have these amazing little things called IC's aka internet cheapies = cheap pregnancy test strips. 100 of these suckers for 13 bucks!?? are you kidding me!?...