Purpose Driven Motherhood

I am still here! Things are going pretty good, as far as our "break" goes. I have not temp'ed in like 2 weeks! It feels so strange...And I have managed to stay away from most of my TTC groups, and have scaled back on posting in general online a great deal...I am trying to focus my time on the things I have before me...At the moment, all of my kids are off from school for the summer, so figuring out ways to keep them busy, keeps me pretty busy! I am also fixing up the house/yard and trying to do all the things I wont be able to do when we finally GET/STAY pregnant with our rainbow.... Yesterday, at church, the message was exactly what I needed to hear...It inspired me to keep trusting in GOD and walking in faith, knowing that he will come through and give us the baby he promised us...Even though my natural eyes see the devastation from our losses, and my heart feels the pain, and I read the statistics of having a take home baby after so many losses...I must keep going.....

Birth control pills that is.... It has been like 10+ years since I have taken any kind of pills for birth control...I forgot how MOODY they can make you, and emotional...I am crying at the drop of a hat. Even the silliest commercials, I start tearing up at, then laughing to death at myself for crying over something so silly...Man o man.... However, I have been reading some good stories about women who go on birth control to level out the hormones for a bit, before stimming with clomid, or other ovulation inducing drugs. They tend to have a much better response to the medicated cycles following the birth control and many get pregnant. I plan to use femara once we finish out last BCP cycle. I will also use the crazy med cocktail I used last cycle again, just to see....It very well could have been a keeper had it implanted where it was supposed to go. And it was not expensive to do, med wise. We will see I guess! Anyway....Yea, BC sucks...It will be worth it in the very end though.....

With PTSD Today at my appointment. I have been seeing a counselor for some of the things that I have had to endure, not just in regards to TTC/losses, etc, but in general, I had a traumatic, difficult youth, and had some some very heavy things to over come. I knew I had PTSD a couple years ago, after our 19 week loss...I just never wanted that "label" officially....But talking about it, and going back to reflect, it has brought up many events in my life that were traumatic, and give me flash backs etc. I  plan to work through some of this stuff while I am on break. I have left just about every TTC forum/group I was apart of/owned/created, in a effort to really let go and step away from virtual life and the TTC mind set....I want to renew every part of me, and stop letting the junk and negativity from the craziness of online forums rule my life even in the slightest.... I was apart of too much, for too long...and it over took me and allowed me to obsess on TTC stuff...

Not really sure what to do with myself today... It has been 29 months since I started counting down/saving up and getting ready for my tubal reversal....In that time I have poured myself into TR/TTC stuff non stop...I feel Like I have done this for SOoooooooo LONG now it feels foreign to start living life outside of these thoughts. I am just not sure what to do....I can only clean, sing, organize and play with the kids for so long before my mind wanders to the "what if's" that will come after our break is over and "what supps/meds should I take etc"....HOW do I separate from this frame of mind? How do I really "let go" of TTC and focus on "life"??  I just am not sure what to do! I want to really make the most of this time off...but it is soooooooooooo hard when I am broken over the losses... Disappointed with not knowing WHY we lose them, and scared for the future of possibly losing more...I can't seem to let go of this season of my li...

We are officially on a break. I had my blood work done again this morning, and got the call...beta is <1. FINALLY! I hated having to wait for this to be over before we could move on...As if taking a break is not hard enough, having to wait, and wait before we could even really "break" sucked!. I started bleeding yesterday, and today is even heavier, so I started a new cycle, and started my birth control pills today. It feels so strange to be taking BC again...Almost "wrong"...BUT I know I NEED a break without having to worry about condoms and TTA with charting and stressing on fertile time passing etc...I also need to HEAL, physically and emotionally...That metho shot did a number on my body! ick! Anyway...Glad it is "over"...Now, to fill my time with things NOT TTC related...lol...

HCG went down to 24 from 62 on Sunday. So Hopefully they will be down to <1 soon!  Not sure what to expect, since I already had a "period" so to speak...Guess we will have to wait and see!

Some days, I feel like letting go and taking this break is going to be the best thing for me...I think of all I will accomplish, and how much I can gain from pouring my energy into my relationships with friends and family and God....I can focus on music, lose some weight, get the whole house ( basement and elsewhere totally organized and clean etc)...I can enjoy the summer without peeing on sticks and making sure our BD timing is perfect...so many freedoms... Then, some days, I feel like I have been defeated. And it crushes me inside...I think about how it will be at least another year or more before we even have the slimmest chance of  meeting our take home baby...I see all the ladies I was buddies with on various forums, who have already had their babies and are pregnant as well, some for a second  time after a term birth! I cannot believe I am still here....I was always one of the "fertile myrtles" and never had an i...