Saturday, March 29, 2014

Cmon spring!

It has been SO uber cold here, that I have had to resort to using the fake sun to get some vitamin D!
OMG, it felt AMAZING!
 
Aside  of wishing for warmer weather, we have been waiting on pins and needles for details on the transfer and new position. The are taking FOR EVEAH to work out the details- I hope and pray it will all pay off, this waiting and being patient crap.
 
The house....well, we are working out details of an incoming offer this weekend, and hope to be able to "accept" it soon! That will be a HUGE step in the right direction in regards to this move etc, so prays for a smooth transaction would be appreciated!
 
 
I do have a LITTLE bit of exciting news...
 
 
wanna know what it is??..........................................
 
OK, ok......
 
 
 
 
 
My tuition for Stillbirthday University's bereavement doula training program is PAID IN FULL, and I start classes in JULY!! That is exciting! I am also sort of nervous, as I know this will dig up a great deal of my own grief, and cause me to  move past it, and learn how to USE it to help others...This requires a LOT of self examination, and that gets tiresome, and uncomfortable, especially if you are really, authentically putting all you have into what you are doing...I think this is what I need in this new season. I do NOT think I am ready to start being a doula for loss mommies, but I am ready to start the training...You have to start somewhere, sometime....
 
OK, moving along...
 
  In all of our efforts to be super ready when move day comes, I have packed a few more things, and in doing so, stumbled upon a drawer that contained a few items that sent me down memory lane...
 
I found a envelope with ALL my paper work...Tests, consent forms etc. from all our surgeries, procedure and crazy meds...I also found a bag full of needles I stashed away to bring back, but had no room in my sharps containers, but when I returned the containers I had forgotten about this last bit of needles....Seeing it all sent me back to cycling...
 
As horrible as it was dealing with side effects and the cost of treatments, I MISS the HOPE we had...The day dreaming I would let myself do about our baby, and such...I don't let myself go there anymore, so seeing those things that represented a time in our lives when there was hope, at least more than there is now, is kind of sad, in comparison to where we are now...Oh how I WISH I could keep HOPE nestled deep in my soul,. But the  more than 15 losses and heart wrenching experiences we have endured echo in my head, and  scream in the distance "YA RIGHT!"...I hear the words of 3 different DR's ...."less than one % chance of carrying to term"....NO, not getting pregnant, because that we CAN do, but carry to term, well that's another story....Oh how I was not reminded every day at the brokenness of my body...If its not unrelenting facebook posts, its little things that jump out of my drawers when I least want it to, and send me back, thinking, wishing...wishing we could HOPE.
 
Anyway, that's about it...Hopefully next time I post, I have dates for our trip to relocate to CA ( from NY) ...Oh yea, we decided to DRIVE ....lol...I might be mildly insane..;)

 

2 comments:

  1. So awesome you may have an offer on your current home. Sounds like you're half way there with the transition. Woot!

    I think the bereavement training will be great for you...therapy of sorts. Therapy is never easy, but it sounds like a great way to really analyze your feelings and come to terms with some things. The part about then using it to help others can only help YOU more too. Love that you're giving back to others!

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  2. Great news on your tuition being paid, that's great! It's so wonderful that you will be helping others, I know it's not great what you have been through, but through it you can be there for others. Oh how I miss the tanning bed :( I decided a few years ago to stop and seeing this reminds me how nice those little naps were :)

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