Purpose Driven Motherhood

I must be getting antsy from the ever so close '30th Birthday'.///It could have to do with being stuck in limbo too, in almost every aspect of life..lol...None the less, I have this sudden urge to lose massive amounts of weight and get my sexy back...(About to do a 21 day beach body challenge program!)....Hopefully in a month, I will be down a few more pounds and fitting into some of my old pants that have been stuck away for years! AND... I went Color crazy with my hair... ANNNNDD.... I re did my nose piercing!  I had it done about 11/`12 years ago, but took it out for a work shift and it never went back in...I was soooooo sad...So, I got it done again!  Hubby thinks I am inching myself into a early 'mid life crisis', because the "baby" plan didn't work out...I laughed...He COULD be partly right, but, I have always been a bit edgy and crazy, lol... I just have put every aspect of my life on hold for the last 4 years, try...

I had my follow up appointment today to go over all the testing I had with the Cardio/EP dr I went and saw last month. It was of course, a LONG morning, between driving down in commuter traffic, to waiting an unusual amount of time for the DR to come in...But alas...He arrived, with answers. First off. The echo was normal.  No abnormalities, or muscle weakness etc, so YAY about that! The event/loop monitor showed no arrhythmias! I got to send back that POS monitor! I was soooooooo happy!!...Can I just tell you, having that thing for 25+ days was horrible! The tilt table test, although it did not show the "gold standard", it did show some interesting results in regards to the hypersensitivity from the iso. Basically, the results from that and my history, showed I had some issues with my autonomic system. I was given the diagnosis of neurocardiogenic syncope, also known as  Neurally mediated syncope .  Which is a dysfunction of the autonomic system. It is similar to ...

No matter HOW HARD I try not to "go there" or stay distracted...This time of year rolls around and I enter into this funky, melancholy mood, that nothing and NO one can get me out of...Don't get me wrong, it is not a debilitating depression that keeps me bound to a dark room incapable of living life...No, it is just a deep, sad ache in my soul, that won't go away...It seems to seep with hurt and grief, and even envy, with each new pregnancy announcement, birth, and "baby's firsts" that I see plastered all over facebook...And, why shouldn't they be happy? I would be, if it were me...But, it isn't...Hence the "funk"... It was this time, 3 years ago, I was waiting to cycle for the FIRST time "officially TRYING" since we made the decision to have another, and not just NTNP...It was during that time, I bought baby clothes, and maternity clothes, and day dreamed about my HPT's being positive and all that would ensue....Imagin...

I can barely stand right now. Everything is crashing down, And I wonder where You are. I try to find the words to pray. I don't always know what to say, But You're the one that can hear my heart. Even though I don't know what your plan is, I know You're making beauty from these ashes. I've seen joy and I've seen pain. On my knees, I call Your name. Here's my broken hallelujah. With nothing left to hold onto, I raise these empty hands to You. Here's my broken hallelujah. You know the things that have brought me here. You know the story of every tear. ‘Cause You've been here from the very start. Even though I don't know what your plan is, I know You're making beauty from these ashes. I've seen joy and I've seen pain. On my knees, I call Your name. Here's my broken hallelujah. With nothing left to hold onto, I raise these empty hands to You. Here's my broken hallelujah. When all is taken away, don't let my heart be changed. L...

Hope sleeps without me Her sweet dreams surround me, But I'm left out I'll need a fix now To believe, to feel These rooms are dark now These halls are hollow, And so am I She is hard to find now To believe To see Hope is what we crave, and that will never change So I stand and wait I need a drop of grace to carry me today, A simple song to say It's written on my soul: Hope's what we crave I won't turn to dust now Let these tears rust now on my face Give me the spark now To believe To see Hope is what we crave, and that will never change So I stand and wait I need a drop of grace to carry me today, A simple song to say It's written on my soul: Hope's what we crave To live, to die, To lose, to get, To rise above To love again To live, to die, To lose, to get, To rise above To love again To love again Hope is what we crave, and that will never change So I stand and wait I need a drop of grace to carry me today, A simple song to say Hope is what we crave I need ...

It seems we have found ourselves stuck in a strange and uncomfortable land...Limbo Land...What was once solid, concrete plans, are now thrown to the wind...And we wait...We are trying to be patient.....If you didn't already know, patience is NOT one of my best character traits, lol. Many of you know, we have plans to relocate to southern California. We got word at end of Dec, that our target date to be out in CA, was end of Feb, beginning of March 2014. Great, we Listed house at the start of Jan... Well, End of jan 2014, we get news from corporate at DH's work, that cuts are being made, and "restructuring" is happening, so the transfer may be pushed out till april but no worries...Ok, No big deal... Beginning of Feb comes along..."It could be 6 to 8 months, maybe longer"...Basically NO one knows what is going on...And TONS of people are being told they cannot transfer for 18 months or more, no matter what the location is...So it isn't just our tra...

Ok, so I normally don't slut it up quite as much during the day...LOL. BUT, I am having so much fun playing with my new younique makeup! Here is today's look. :) and another shot of a different day, more natural, less dramatic look... Also, if you are interested in earning FREE 3D fiber lash mascara, ask me about hosting a virtual party! It is sooo easy!

Another "should have been" due date  has come...Feb 2nd...::sigh::  I am trying not to let this date, a simple date on a calendar, take me back 10 steps...I have come so far, and really hoped today would come and go, without the gut wrenching pain, and grief, that I have kept at bay for the last few weeks... Today would  have been the day, I should have been due with our baby bean, that we conceived with our last immune cycle, with braverman. That pregnancy ended up to be ectopic, despite looking good initially... We had to terminate...After spending our last bit of savings ( 10+ grand) on a cycle, meds, DR's appts, monitoring, etc, we had to walk away, after more than 2 years, empty handed, broken hearted, and filled with this toxic crap in my body, that was killing our baby...Killing our hopes and dreams for the future, but simultaneously saving my life from almost certain death, if that tube were to have ruptured... But It didn't...The meds worked, I lived...

OK, so I got my official kit in the mail from Younique to be in an independant presenter! It came with sooooo many awesome things!! ( separate blog post all about that!) I don't have tons of time to post right now, but I wanted to show you all my 3D fiber lashes!!! They are amazinggggg!!!!!!!!!!  100% natural, safe, and non toxic! I wont ever use falsies again! Check these pics out! These are MY lashes :)                   If you are interested in purchasing Youniqie's 3D fiber lashes, click HERE .