Purpose Driven Motherhood

So, I had my tests today...It was rather eventful! I will back up though, and start from the beginning... I went back down to Albany, and checked in at my cardiologists office for the testing that needed to be done.  First test on the list, Echocardiogram. I went in, got on the LOVELY gown ( shown above) Then , a wonderful tech came in and probed my chest for 25 minutes. Which incidentally was more uncomfortable than a follicle scan, and lasted way longer...No word back on those results yet... As soon as it was done, I got dressed, and waited for the Tilt table test ( aka- TTT)... I was slightly nervous before, but nothing major. I had done a little reading, and even watched a few vids from the mayo clinic on TTT's, so I was aware of what they were going to do, to reduce anxiety. They called me back, and had my take off most of my top wear, and put on a gown. I then waited, while they went over the test, and what they were trying to find etc... Then, t...

So I was sitting around, looking for ways to raise a few bucks to go towards the tuition for the StillBirthday.com's bereavement doula training program. I really want to focus my efforts on taking the experiences we have had to endure, and using them to HELP other people. Anyway, I stumbled across some info on this company/product, called Younique . One of the ladies in my church has started to have some virtual parties online, and I saw all the cool pics on the facebook groups and it had me interested...I began to check it out... I am NOT one to hop on the next new "bandwagon" or "fad" marketing product team...BUT, I am a sucker for good makeup , and this stuff rocks!! The  Fiber lashes ( 100% natural, made with green tea leaves!) have me in awe! Seriously! Ahhhhmazzzing!!   Over the next 10 days, I will be posting pics of myself modeling the different products/looks! So stay tuned!  Click HERE to visit my page and order some of the fi...

Today, my Furbaby, Molly turns one year old! This little ray of sunshine has brought so much JOY and laughter into our lives...we are SO thankful for her...I am fully convinced a dog can bring healing to the soul in a way that nothing else can...I have experienced this first hand... Here is a photo bomb of our "baby".....

So, a blog comment I got the other day from wonderful woman, and awesome supporter of mine, caused me to pause a bit, and kind of evaluate some things about my faith and relationship with God. Which I truly appreciate, because she was kind and not judgy in her words...And I felt God gently nudge my heart each time I read the comment over... I felt my face start to burn with emotion, as tears welled up in my eyes...And I finally admitted to myself... I do NOT trust God...At least not fully, like I once did... But I desperately WANT to be at that point again....Trusting fully...And filled with peace... I walked into this journey,  to try for one more, 100% SURE , God was calling us/giving us the desire  to have another baby...I/we were, 100% certain we would walk away with a baby in our arms...As a matter of fact, I would have bet my LIFE on it. Now, 3 years later, I am broken, weary, and so utterly soul shattered, that I simply cannot "look" God in the eyes...H...

4 years ago..... I was in THIS PLACE... ...(beautifully written, and very much true, I know there are a few who can relate to this now- which is a part of the journey) I was feeling so much healing, since  the loss of our Hannah, with the recent birth of my "rainbow" baby  Kaitlyn (We lost Hannah in august 2008- I gave birth to Kate in July 2009- Just a few days before our 1 year angelversary for Hannah)... I swung between feeling like I was still too far in the loss community for comfort, considering "I reached the other side", and I didn't want to make newly bereaved mothers upset, especially those who could not try on their own, without assistance and a LOT of money,  but I could not let go totally, because I was afraid I would also lose Hannahs memory at the same time,  and  also, my "badge" I earned from surviving the unthinkable... But slowly, over time, I let go of my place in the loss community, and it felt good...I was finally in this p...

Well...After "braving" the 1 inch dusting that mother nature chucked down, that made it slippery and MESSY enough for all the upstate  NY'ers to turn into maniacs who do not know how to drive, almost peeing my pant, almost getting in a accident, getting lost, AND falling in the snow...I finally made it to AMC- (Albany Medical Center) I met with a Cardiologist at Albany medical center this morning. Dr. T.  He was a fantastic DR, and nearly restored my faith in DR's! Even his staff were awesome! You dont usually find BOTH under one roof! LOL.. Anyway. I went in to be evaluated for some issues I have been having (all my life really) Specifically worsening in the last year. I have been leery of doing a lot of reasearch on my own, as not to "convince myself" I have some other rare bull crap disorder to deal with... I met with Dr.T, and he took down all my family history of heart issues, which in of itself , he said, was enough to be evaluated as it is... T...

This was me, Jan 2013 Dark , LONG, naturally curly hair (down to my butt)..40 lbs heavier... Here is me, TODAY: Hair shoulder length ( just a tad longer) straightened, and with a color change. :) Which one do you all like best? Hubby misses the LONG hair, but likes the color and style...I could go either way...I still do curly now and again, even with the new color and length, but I prefer it straight when it is this length.

Well, well....Here we are... A new year, new opportunities, A chance to start over... I am excited for what is on the horizon for us!! It has  NOTHING to do with TTC/IVF/adoption, babies etc..We have realized it is time to set aside those dreams and desires, and focus on something else for right now , not because we WANTED to, but because we HAD to...Maybe one day, things will be different for us financially, and we can look into those things again one day, but for now, we cant even entertain the thought...Anyway, I digress... So, this year, we have quite a bit going on!! Here are 4 things that will be happening  in 2014~! 1. We are MOVING, from upstate NY(20 mins north of albany), to Southern Cali (near Big Bear- 60 miles east of LA)! It is actually my old hometown we are moving back to, it is is kind of exciting, adventurous and nostalgic all at the same time! After more than 80 hours of work in the last 2 weeks, the repairs, painting, packing and staging...

January 4th...That was the date our Hannah Marie was set to enter this world...She should be turning 5 today... It is such a strange feeling...  We should all be celebrating the birth of a life today...5 years of glorious living, loving, laughing,  making memories and exploring the world with childlike innocence...We should be celebrating with my father also, but even he is not present, taken by death (he passed at age 50- in 2004) Life is short....Sometimes, way too short... Today: I am going to make a point to celebrate MY life, my Husband and kids lives...It is the birth of a new year...We need to celebrate each day! So many new things going on ( I will make a separate post about all that) and things to be thankful for! But I can't help think of my little girl who "should be" here with us...But, then again, if not for her loss, I would not have my rainbow Kate...Who is my everything....4 and a half years old... Golden, curly hair, porcelain skin and blue...