Purpose Driven Motherhood

This song, (below) and the meaning behind it, and why it was written touched me greatly.... I realized after hearing it, I have held on so tight to my pain and grief, because it is where I could find identity. I felt as though I was not "normal enough" having had so many struggles to fit in with all the mom's who have many kids, and I have kids so I don't fit in the infertile world, and because of our numerous losses, it is easy to find a niche in the loss community, and because of that, I held on to my identity in my grief with a death grip....I have lingered too long in that place of despair...I let my fears run wild, and my faith and trust in God run dry.... Its time to move on, into a new place....My grief will never end, but I must take those next steps into the passageway, and let it evolve instead of grasping at it trying to "stay" right where I am.... I believe this song, was a turning point for me, and has helped me see what I needed t...

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas....Many prayers to those who are dealing with difficult circumstances, and missing loved ones this year...

 I am re-blogging this, because I happened to stumble on this post this morning on my FB news feed via Still Standing and it so touched my heart...I am still in tears now from reading it...I know there is someone else out there that NEEDS to read this today....( link below) I SEE YOU........

It seems I am coming out of the funk I have been in for the last couple weeks...I wont even try and pretend that I am "all better" and things are rainbows and butterflies....Cause, we all know that would be a bunch of BS! BUT, I do not feel as isolated, alone, depressed , hurt, angry or as sad as I was feeling a few days back when I posted "drifting"...And I thank all of you, who reached out to me, and were REALLY there...The ones who didn't just spit out cliche's like " be thankful you don't have cancer etc, or like "It could be worse"......Thank you again for just being there, not having the answers, not pretending to have them, and just letting me vent, and cry... Now let me be clear...Those feelings I posted about a couple days ago are still there under the surface...They don't just magically go away because I made a post, and vented, and cried and got "real"...Those feelings are apart of the journey I am going to ha...

I WILL NOT, ever let another person/ or people make me feel "less than" because I am still grieving and hurting, and have "BAD days" sometimes...No matter how many "blessings"we have or how many "good things" I have in my life to look to to find JOY in...I still HURT.... EVERY. single. day....I MISS my BABIES who are not able to be in our arms.....No amount of amazing things that come our way will ever take that away...Those babies...Those precious little lives were apart of me, and will always be in my heart...I will NOT apologize for feeling the way I do...The day you walk a mile in MY shoes is the day you can TELL ME how to feel/think/act/grieve and tell me when it is time to "move on" or what is "normal" to feel...

I feel like I am drifting... Drifting away from so many things...Family,  Friendships, Support groups etc... 2/3  year agos, heck, even a year ago, I found comfort in in a LOT of things, despite our difficult set of circumstances, I had a lot of things to cling on to, including support from numerous people from all over the world it seemed like...I was hell bent on being as isolated as I could about our situation IRL, so I could keep the negative comments and naysayers out...But I always had at least one or two good groups where I could go to online, and totally feel uplifted, encouraged, and snag a glimmer of hope from..... But slowly, over the last year, I have felt myself drift away from those once sacred sanctuaries of support and comfort...I have found that I no longer find solace there....I feel like I don't fit in anywhere anymore... Instead, I feel hurt, bitterness, anger and a DEEP dark ache in my heart that overtakes me, and begs me to just delete ...

I have been a funk...Not really much to say that has not already been said before..I feel like such a broken record....But I guess I should start somewhere, and give a little update of some kind... I have posted a few picture quotes that reflects some of how I am feeling, but I cannot seem to articulate MY feelings right now, in a personal way that is comprehensible to others, and doesn't make me look like an ungrateful bitch... I guess I will start off by saying, we had another chemical this last cycle...( + test's at 6/7 dpo- 9 dpo, (I tested early cause I almost threw up while socially smoking a cigg and having a drink with my friend and I didnt temp so I didn't know really where my cycle was for sure) and by 10 dpo tests had faded some, and AF came the NEXT day, even while still taking 800 mgs of progesterone supps (which I did start late at 7dpo, the day I got my first positive but none the less), giving me a whopping 10 day LP...=/ Here is one of my FRER's f...