Saturday, December 12, 2015

The anxiety... I almost forgot how hard this was...


When we lost Hannah in 2008, I barely had enough time to grieve before we were pregnant again with Kaitlyn my youngest... I  remember being so excited at first... Then, BAM.... Anxiety... It was overwhelming and debilitating. The surge of bittersweet emotions was too much to articulate... I barely survived. I remember the relief after her birth... It was immense... And almost instantly I had forgotten about the anxiety...

Over the last five years I've been so consumed with just getting to the point of even having a positive pregnancy test, seeing a heart beat, or at the very least just having good betas, that I forgot how hard it is week to week after that... The panic and worry from appointment to appointment ... You forget how hard it is to survive...  Then you feel guilty because you should be enjoying every second of this, after all the begging, pleading, and crying you did praying to just get  "here"... 

I find myself barely existing again... Forcing myself to try and accept that this is different some how... Trying to put on the brave face for everyone else... Faking a smile and telling everyone I feel great, so I don't have to tell them how incredibly scared I am... 

I remember the day of transfer, telling myself it would be different this time... That I wouldn't allow myself to feel this way... How incredibly na├»ve... Like I had any control over this at all?! It's not like I haven't been through this before... And yet somehow I was able to convince myself I wouldn't struggle as much this time... Of course things are definitely different with twins ...More risks... More possibilities... 

At this point I'm just counting down the moments to each appointment and trying to breathe... 

And don't get me wrong I am so incredibly blessed to even be feeling this way... I remember the intense heart ache, when I would give anything to have this kind of anxiety, because at least there would be a little bit of hope... But it's hard... And overwhelming... And crippling ... And very very hard to explain to those who don't understand...

3 more days until the next scan... 

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