Purpose Driven Motherhood

O9 weeks and 4 days... I had my final scan with the RE...  Both babies are measuring perfect with heartbeats at 188. They were moving and kicking around in there!! It was awesome!!  From here on out- I'm to see the OB... I got all my records etc ... Next appt is Jan 11th- then NT scan Jan 18th!!  I'm so blessed and thankful to be here!!!

I'm so thankful to be here... 9 weeks today...  When I wrote my last entry it felt like I would never get "here"... It feels rather surreal.  I found both babies heartbeats on the Doppler this morning. Baby B is much higher and to the left and baby A is tucked down to the right under my pubic bone. It's so wonderful to be able to wake up and hear them - 💗  I gotuesdsy for my last scan for the RE's -then I won't see the little ones again till the NT scan-with MFM - can't wait for that! They will look so Cute!!! More like babies and not beans.  I'm feeling... Good- no real symptoms other than some fatigue, mood swings and hunger. I am def expanding in the midsection though.  I am so thankful for this opportunity - without the gift of embryo donation/adoption I wouldn't be here ... I am so in love with these snowflake babies 💙💚

When we lost Hannah in 2008, I barely had enough time to grieve before we were pregnant again with Kaitlyn my youngest... I  remember being so excited at first... Then, BAM.... Anxiety... It was overwhelming and debilitating. The surge of bittersweet emotions was too much to articulate... I barely survived. I remember the relief after her birth... It was immense... And almost instantly I had forgotten about the anxiety... Over the last five years I've been so consumed with just getting to the point of even having a positive pregnancy test, seeing a heart beat, or at the very least just having good betas, that I forgot how hard it is week to week after that... The panic and worry from appointment to appointment ... You forget how hard it is to survive...  Then you feel guilty because you should be enjoying every second of this, after all the begging, pleading, and crying you did praying to just  get  "here"...  I find myself barely existing again... Forcing mysel...

We had another scan today. The doctors schedule had changed so they moved my ultrasound up ... I was so nervous... This was kind of a "big" one considering we hoped to see heartbeats...  And ... We did!!! Two heartbeats!!! Babies are measuring great!!! Omg! We are having twins!!!! 

I finally made it past the furthest I have been in the last five years... Today is 5w6d!!  It's kind of surreal actually.... So many emotions and anxieties... I really can't properly articulate it right now... We had an early scan yesterday at 5w5d... It actually went good!!!  In the past when I even made it to ultrasound I always measured a week behind... Or it was tubal etc...  I'm pleased to say things are measuring. Good!!! And.... There's two!!! I go back next Thursday for a repeat and hopefully there are heart beats for both!! :) 

Came in at 226!! 😁😁😁 Feeling like this is real!!!

Is..., 74! I'm not even eight days past transfer until this afternoon!! Seem like a really good start!!! 

So I've been holding off on taking my other first response test... I wanted it to be a little bit closer to the 48 hours so that you could see a difference... This was about six hours shy of 48 hours apart... And oh my... The top test was taken at around 2 PM on five days post transfer- bottom test was taken at 8:30 AM this morning, not even technically seven days past transfer.... Beta will be tomorrow.., but my clinic doesn't get results until the second drawl which is Monday... Going to be a long weekend!!! 😁😁😁 But I'm feeling really good about things!! 

This is just roughly 12 hours of progression! 

It worked!!! 5 days past 5 day transfer... Tests taken with no hold...

Sorry for the lack of updates I was so busy updating everybody on Facebook and on my fertility friend groups... also the wife I was kind of crappy at the hotel so it was hard for me to do a lot of things with uploading pictures etc....  The trip was amazing!!! Omg... I'll have to do a separate post just for the pictures... But here's one... We got into Reno the evening of the 11th... Got a bite to eat and gambled a little bit...lol... We didn't win anything but we didn't lose much either. Then hit the sack. I had a really hard time sleeping... I have been up at 2 o'clock that morning and was up at 2 o'clock on day of transfer too...  Thursday was just a huge ball of emotions... We tried to keep ourselves busy and round around the Peppermill, ate some amazing food at the island buffet, and by the time we were sorted with getting souvenirs for the family, it was time to head back to the hotel and start filling my bladder!  I got to the clinic about 1:30 PM... I th...

Has my second scan today...  Lining was 9mm , ovaries quiet!! Yay!!  Transfer officially scheduled for 2pm November 12!!!  I'm so excited!! After everything we have been through... this might actually work!!! 

16 days until transfer day!!!! I do my 3rd estradiol valerate injection today, and have my lining check Thursday. Things are moving along nicely, and we are getting so excited!!! :)

Of BCP's and 31 days till Transfer!!!!  

Cycle fees are paid! Woohoo! That's a great feeling! :)  I cannot wait for November!!!  We have told all of our immediate family, and close friends. Everyone is getting so excited!! Nothing but support from everyone we have told... Many people are hoping for twins! I admittedly am as well... 💗  Our teens want to come with us to transfer... Lol... Def not! But it's so sweet to see them involved, excited and wanting to get educated. My oldest said even if she has NO infertility issues, she still wants to adopt embryos in the future... So sweet!! 💗  Hopefully this thanksgiving we have a little extra be be thankful for!' 😁  

Of course this was mostly a formality, but nonetheless I was a little bit nervous...  We had to have a psychological evaluation done in order to proceed with the embryo donation/adoption process. It is something that my clinic requires when using third-party reproduction.  I went Thursday with my husband,  we met a lovely lady who specializes in these sorts of evaluations. I'm not sure why I was really even nervous... I guess it was just one of those things. I mean there was a chance she could say that we were not ready for this... I mean what if she just didn't like us? Of course in hindsight those worries seem silly. But hindsight is always 2020 isn't?  The meeting started and we began to just share with her a little bit about who we are as a couple and as a family. She asked a lot of very deep and probing questions, especially after learning about all of my consecutive losses. It felt good to be able to answer her with assurance about like girls since all of ...

Everything is set for a transfer on November 12!! I'm on the pill right now, as soon as I'm done with this pack and a half shows I go for my baseline and then I start meds!!  This is actually going to happen!! 

The move went well... Still trying to unpack and get into a new routine. Only moved 2 miles away but it feels like my whole world has been flipped upside down.  My medication came in the other day...  I really wish I was starting my injections this month! But of course one thing after another has come up and our regular finances have not been able to facilitate putting down the rest of the money for our FET. I'm really hoping the check I am waiting for comes sooner rather than later so that we can do a late October early November transfer.  It seems so close but still so far away... 

We "adopted" this week... A batch of embryos!! We decided earlier this year to look into embryo donation/adoption.... Instantly, we felt that was the "right" decision for us... However, we decided to look into ALL other options again before we went forward.... We ALMOST did IVF with donor sperm (which would also bypass the HLA issues) but after further discussion with my husband we BOTH felt donor embryo/embryo adoption was the best possible option for us to result in a take home baby. And, after further discussion with Dr. Braverman (our old Reproductive immunologist) he agreed that it was the choice that offered the most chance of success... After all of that, we had to decide on which clinic/program we wanted to use. For those who do not know (which will be a vast majority of you), you can obtain donated embryos through various methods. There are agencies, like Miracles waiting who will help match you with a donating family, based on yours and their search...

Of course, I have been doing this long enough (57 cycles now) to know that a pretty chart means nothing when it comes to pregnancy/baby, and especially in OUR case, it means literally nothing ...BUT, still...Look at that! I started tracking my cycles again with temps this month...Its been a while since I actually used my BBT therm.... I wanted to see where I was at cycle wise with managing my PCOS and IR issues and make sure I am documenting my luteal phase and ovulation days to see if we get any progress with balancing those out now that I am taking the metformin again....I kind of miss charting now that I am back at it again...It helps me feel a bit more in the "know" and feel in control... And to be honest, I KINDA started back at it again too, because we have stopped "preventing" again, and are just "seeing what happens"...Its probably a stupid move on my part, but at this point, why not? I have not been had any traumatic losses (that lasted m...

Merry Christmas and happy new year to everyone!! I hope this years holiday season was filled with more joy than tears for all of you!  Just wanted to write a quick post and spill out some of my feelings somewhere...I am aware most of the readers I had before probably aren't even keeping up anymore...so this is really just a therapeutic place for me to vent at this point...anyway... January 4 is always a hard day for me...it would've been my father's 61st birthday, and should have been Hannah's seventh birthday...but neither of them are here on this earth to celebrate ... Both were taken far too soon...  To top it off, I started AF that day, which only reminded me that my body is broken...that I will never bring forth life again from my womb...it doesn't help that there are new babies all around the church too...I am not so bitter anymore that I can't be happy for them, I truly am... I just hate the odds at which we have been faced with. And I'm not sure the ...