Purpose Driven Motherhood

I posted a few months ago about a song by Great big world called "say something"...The moment I heard the song, I left like it spoke to the depth of me, where I was questioning "God where are you? say something, I am giving up on you!"...Through the last few years, its has been almost unfathomable to see just HOW MUCH loss we have endured...With each loss that we prayed for a miracle for, it was another disappointment, another way I felt the chasm between God and I get bigger and his voice more distant, his love almost nonexistent...I knew he didn't "cause our losses to happen" but he COULD have at least save ONE baby...Or at least spared me surgeries and complications that were so unnecessary...Anyway...This song was almost my anthem, as we began to close this chapter of our lives...Over the course of the last few months I would say I have inched closer to God again, but there are times I keep doubting and asking "where are you in the midst of ...

But yet, I am lost for words.... I am such a mix of emotions lately...I don't know if I am coming or going...Between my health (which is still touch and go right now due to some unknown auto immune function/virus), my Mom's tests ( she goes for more tests this week and a biopsy) and of course the move...As excited as I am for it, I am just so mixed up too!! (I am sure the birth control pills I started recently is NOT helping me any in the emotional department!) Closing this chapter in our lives signifies so much and it's kind of hard to let go of all of the things we tried to build upon in this last chapter...The good and the bad...Some days I am ready, some days I am anything but ready for this to all get real... But ready or not, in 26 days, we will close the door to this house, this chapter, this part of our lives and set out on a adventure across the country....26 days.... Oh, AND, a update on weight loss battle- None lost recetly, because well, I feel like POOP...

started seasonique pills- Last week, I had some pretty nasty health issues that landed me in the ER (thank you effed up immune system) and almost got me emergency surgery for appendicitis. LUckily, NO surgery was needed, it was just lymph nodes in my abdomen ( yes they are in there too! I had NO idea!) that got inflamed and  aggravated my spleen etc...This also just happened to be on CD 1...I think we may have had a chemical (we were NTNP, butI wasn't testing) and it triggered another immune flare-  Regardless, between how crappy I have been feeling, the upcoming road trip (32 days and we leave from NY for Cali~!) not to mention the fact we are moving back in with my parents (not out of necessity, more convenience, we could afford a house but are saving money, and are making up for lost time with the rent anyway) I don't need to throw in the physical and emotional aspects of a miscarriage into the mix, or GOD forbid, another ectopic...Hell to the NO! So back on B...

My Mom just got the call...There are two spots on her mammogram, she needs further testing...She already survived breast cancer once 10 years ago, I know she can fight it again, but good grief, we needed a streak of good news not more bad...ugh...Moving could not happen soon enough. I need to be close to my mom...Any and all prayers are greatly appreciated!

Mother's day that is. I wrote in a previous post , about how the day was really going to be emotional for me in so many ways...Especially with the should be due date of our last loss falling on the same day...And, It was. I woke up early that morning, and sat alone on the couch drinking my coffee and thinking...Thinking about the last 4 years we have endured...The HOPE, excitement, and celebration at the start of each pregnancy, and the immense loss, devastation and grief  with each loss...Remembering in such depth, ALL of the events that took place, brought it back in technicolor/surround sound...It was as if I could taste the tears that fell from my cheeks, and feel the intense ache deep in my soul all over again...The more I thought, the more I realized, I was not ready to face this day outside of the 4 walls of my home, and especially not at church, on the one day when they exhort all the Mother's/babies...There was a little peace that came just from admitting I was ...

Of where we will be living....This is in the area of the San Bernardino national forest, also known as Crestline, Lake arrowhead, Running Springs- Big bear Lake area-  Here are some random snap shots of the area- here is a vid from the city, up the mountain....:)

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you To those who experienced loss this year through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you To those who walk the hard path of infer tility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is. To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience To those w...

May has always been a hard month for me...It comes right after the passing of my father ( April 28th 2004- also the day I found out I was pregnant with Hannah in 2008) and Holds a lot of dates that are triggers for me...One being....Mother's Day... Ever since we lost Hannah, at 19 weeks in 2008, I have struggled with Mother's day. Now, nearly 6 years later, and I struggle even more...Especially since we have two "should have been" due dates on Mothers day, two years in a row.... I should have been due LAST Mother's day with a rainbow baby (our first  ectopic)...And THIS Mother's day marks our last "should be EDD" from our last "documented"(as in not a chemical, and in my medical records) pregnancy, our last, and 4th ectopic (the 8th documented loss in 3 years) that required the removal of my right tube.... Also to add insult to injury, AF also just happens to be due on mother's day this year for me too, and even though we are NOT...