Purpose Driven Motherhood

This says it all... http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/01/everyone-gets-rainbow/ Still struggling with letting go of our hopes and dreams for our family...It is a ever present struggle that seems to intensify as the times goes by, not get better...ugh...

   Part of my courses at Stillbirthday University, include the reading of two books (of your choice out of about 25), that you will need to do an essay on,  at the end of the classes. One of the two books I chose, came in the mail the other day, and because we have been so consumed in moving I set it aside on my side table for a week or more...   Then, one quiet afternoon, I picked it up and began to read (  I know, a little early, classes don't start till July) with a good cup of tea... It is called "The invisible pregnancy: Give birth to healing" Written by SBD's very own Hedi Faith. She is a dear soul who is committed to being a light in the darkness for women dealing with the unthinkable...I am blessed to be able to work with her through SBD.   I am going to be 100% honest...I am struggling like heck to read this book...The trending theme is that Grief is a pregnancy. Even the "dares" are set up as a 40 week challenge...I find the connection b...

I have NEVER been a person who was good at or patient while waiting...I always huffed and puffed, and moaned about things..."WHY is it taking sooooooooo LONG" stuff...Looking back,  a lot  MOST of those things were pretty trivial, excluding the last 4 years... This last season of life has presented more challenges and waiting than I would have liked...Its been nearly unbearable. Especially, the baby thing. To have waited so LONG (more than a year just to get surgery to TTC again- then 3+YEARS of actively trying) and have so many losses, and invested SO much money, all for nothing, it is a hard pill to swallow...It makes one not want to take risks again, quite frankly...The "what can go wrong, usually will" is a theme that seems to have followed me around these days, along with Murphy's law... So when we decided to step out and relocate from NY to CA, we had an inkling that we might run into a few bumps in the road here and there...Never did we expect there ...

You know, that NASTY little disease  that slowly infects the  mind and soul...Also know as, The green eyed monster ...Yup...I am talking about Jealousy... Its something that every SINGLE one of us has felt at some point in time or another, be it in a relationship,  or even a lack there of ( think, "everyone else is getting married and I am not!") or something I see a LOT of...Facebook envy/jealousy...People sit around and scan through all these seemingly awesome pics and life experiences, and think "gee, I wish I could do that, or had a family like that, or a car like that and a JOB like that!"..... I think  jealousy plays a HUGE ROLE ( much bigger than anyone wants to realize) in the IF/Baby loss community especially,  and more often than not, is the driving force behind our actions both to others, and ourselves... I find that even the most self aware person is wrapped up in a crazy amount of jealousy in regards ...

Just a few little updates- I still LOVE my beach body/shakeology stuff...I wish I could say I lost weight...BUT, my thyroid is making it super hard to do! I found out my TSH was a bit high, meaning my thyroid function is too low- I have an apt to see my regular endo on the 30th, since my asshat primary is useless and still think a TSH of 4 is normal...(face palm)... We have two offers on the house- making a decision this weekend! Ahhhhh!! DH's new interview dates for the new position (the one he planned to transfer with was liquidated) and we should have a target "report to" date by the 18th of this month....:) Younique still rocks my socks...I only have a 100 bucks to reach my next goal! :) And they just came out with some new stuff!! eeek! I'm finding the nearing of mothers day starting to cause a panic...We have 2 different "should have been"  EDD's and a angelversary date on that day, ( two different years in a row) and it just causes me ...