Skip to main content

Bittersweet week...

Yesterday, My miracle "baby" girl, turned 4 years old...


I was filled with so many emotions, but mostly, thankfulness....I was thankful, my little girl, beat the odds, (DR's say she is a miracle due to the kind of immune issue I have) and is here to celebrate another year with us....I am thankful for the light she shines in my heart on the darkest of days...I was just sooooooo thankful and filled with Joy, looking at the miracle God placed in our lives...

Today, is a little bit different...Today is MY birthday....29 years old...The last year of my 20's...In the past, when thinking about this time in my life, (hypothetically) I had a lot of "plans" that I had hoped to see come to fruition by now....MANY have...and many have not....Most of those things that didn't come to be, I was ok with...But, .I  thought by now, (after 3 years trying and praying) surely we would have had our last, very much desired addition to the family already...But here we are...empty handed, with a devastating diagnosis, and still pretty broken....But that isn't even what makes this day hard for me...

You see, 5 years ago, today, would be the last time I would see our baby girl Hannah, alive.
(The last day we saw her alive)

 Just a mere 10 days later, we found out she has passed (at almost 20 weeks along) .....She was Perfect in everyway that day...Then, gone in an instant...(we now know, it was a result of my immune disorder that cause the loss)....

I would never, ever be the same again.....
(her foot prints)


All these feelings and the upcoming angelversary of Hannah, and the many passing angel-versaries, from the many angels we lost in the last 3 years....It is like ripping open a old wound...I so want to spend today, filled with HOPE and Peace, and JOY for another year lived...But I am not so sure I even DID live at all the last year or so of my life....between the meds, losses, treatments, DR's appts, and emotional turmoil, I dont remember half of it, and what I do remember is not good....I just HURT....I STILL, reallllyyyyy hurt......

I put on my fake smile this morning, so the kids don't questions why mommy is so sad, on her "special day"...But Inside, I feel like I am dying....Now don't take me wrong, I am sooooo thankful for my children I have...So many do not have any, and never will.....I am so thankful for the LOVE, and hugs, and intricately handmade cards they showered me with this morning....BUT.....Even 5 years later...Even after having my rainbow kaitlyn, beat the odds and bless our lives...I ache inside, sometimes now, more than I did at the very start......The loss of our Hannah (and the many more we lost since her) has affected me more than I'd like to admit, especially 5 years out....They say time heals all wounds...I beg to diff

Comments

  1. Prayers going up for you, from someone who's been there. xo

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Thanks for any and all comments,

Popular posts from this blog

What you should know if you are considering a tubal reversal

Its been 8 years. 8 years since we took a trip to NC to see DR. Montieth in Chapel Hill. I remember being so excited. I had this picture in my head of how it was going to go during, and after it all. For those of you who don't know, I had my tubes tied in 2009, after the birth of my 3rd, directly following a traumatic still birth. It was a decision made out of fear and trauma, not an informed decision. I ended up having adverse health issues (PTLS) after, and was desperate to find a solution. I stumbled upon a private chat room with others also struggling. Several had gone for a reversal, and seemed to feel so MUCH better after. I had already seen my doctor umpteen times, and they offered no solutions, and insinuated it was "in my head".... I saw all of these ladies posting the day OF surgery saying that they felt relief! I was like, "Yes, this is it!!"... So we saved the 6 Grand, and went and did the reversal. I was PUMPED. I started a blog, YouTube video and F...

Some statistics on Miscarriage

Miscarriage Statistics Overall miscarriage risk is 17-22%; risk after gestational sac is visible is 12-15% Miscarriage is one of the most frequent problems in human pregnancy. The most widely accepted definition is that proposed by the World Health Organization in 1977. The incidence among clinical pregnancies  (a pregnancy that is confirmed by both high levels of hCG and ultrasound confirmation of a gestational sac)  is about 12-15%, but including early pregnancy losses it is 17-22%. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/11950476 After heartbeat is detected, risk of miscarriage is 9.4% at 6wks; 4.2% at 7wks; 1.5% at 8wks; 0.5% at 9wks To estimate the risk of miscarriage among asymptomatic women after a prenatal visit between 6 and 11 weeks of gestation where proof of fetal viability of a singleton was obtained by office ultrasonography at the same visit. METHODS: Those recruited were 697 asymptomatic women who attended their first antenatal ...

Trust & New Pajamas

So, a blog comment I got the other day from wonderful woman, and awesome supporter of mine, caused me to pause a bit, and kind of evaluate some things about my faith and relationship with God. Which I truly appreciate, because she was kind and not judgy in her words...And I felt God gently nudge my heart each time I read the comment over... I felt my face start to burn with emotion, as tears welled up in my eyes...And I finally admitted to myself... I do NOT trust God...At least not fully, like I once did... But I desperately WANT to be at that point again....Trusting fully...And filled with peace... I walked into this journey,  to try for one more, 100% SURE , God was calling us/giving us the desire  to have another baby...I/we were, 100% certain we would walk away with a baby in our arms...As a matter of fact, I would have bet my LIFE on it. Now, 3 years later, I am broken, weary, and so utterly soul shattered, that I simply cannot "look" God in the eyes...H...