Thursday, July 25, 2013

Bittersweet week...

Yesterday, My miracle "baby" girl, turned 4 years old...


I was filled with so many emotions, but mostly, thankfulness....I was thankful, my little girl, beat the odds, (DR's say she is a miracle due to the kind of immune issue I have) and is here to celebrate another year with us....I am thankful for the light she shines in my heart on the darkest of days...I was just sooooooo thankful and filled with Joy, looking at the miracle God placed in our lives...

Today, is a little bit different...Today is MY birthday....29 years old...The last year of my 20's...In the past, when thinking about this time in my life, (hypothetically) I had a lot of "plans" that I had hoped to see come to fruition by now....MANY have...and many have not....Most of those things that didn't come to be, I was ok with...But, .I  thought by now, (after 3 years trying and praying) surely we would have had our last, very much desired addition to the family already...But here we are...empty handed, with a devastating diagnosis, and still pretty broken....But that isn't even what makes this day hard for me...

You see, 5 years ago, today, would be the last time I would see our baby girl Hannah, alive.
(The last day we saw her alive)

 Just a mere 10 days later, we found out she has passed (at almost 20 weeks along) .....She was Perfect in everyway that day...Then, gone in an instant...(we now know, it was a result of my immune disorder that cause the loss)....

I would never, ever be the same again.....
(her foot prints)


All these feelings and the upcoming angelversary of Hannah, and the many passing angel-versaries, from the many angels we lost in the last 3 years....It is like ripping open a old wound...I so want to spend today, filled with HOPE and Peace, and JOY for another year lived...But I am not so sure I even DID live at all the last year or so of my life....between the meds, losses, treatments, DR's appts, and emotional turmoil, I dont remember half of it, and what I do remember is not good....I just HURT....I STILL, reallllyyyyy hurt......

I put on my fake smile this morning, so the kids don't questions why mommy is so sad, on her "special day"...But Inside, I feel like I am dying....Now don't take me wrong, I am sooooo thankful for my children I have...So many do not have any, and never will.....I am so thankful for the LOVE, and hugs, and intricately handmade cards they showered me with this morning....BUT.....Even 5 years later...Even after having my rainbow kaitlyn, beat the odds and bless our lives...I ache inside, sometimes now, more than I did at the very start......The loss of our Hannah (and the many more we lost since her) has affected me more than I'd like to admit, especially 5 years out....They say time heals all wounds...I beg to diff

1 comment:

  1. Prayers going up for you, from someone who's been there. xo

    ReplyDelete

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