Purpose Driven Motherhood

I have started to write a song in honor of our angel babies...It is far from done, but you have to start somewhere, right? Tears streaming down my face from all this pain... It can never be erased... sometimes, it just overtakes me... It was not supposed to be like this... You should be here with me... So,  I will hold you in my heart forever... Nothing take can your place, not ever...  Even though you are safe, in our father's arms Soaring far above the twinkling stars... My heart aches...Its just breaks...I miss you... I never got to hold you in my arms... I never got to see you smile.... You never got to see the sunshine, or  watch the clouds pass by... I was not supposed to be like this.... you should be here with me... So,  I will hold you in my heart forever... Nothing take can your place, not ever...  Even though you are safe, in our father's arms Soaring far above the twinkling stars... My heart aches...Its just break...

Yesterday, My miracle "baby" girl, turned 4 years old... I was filled with so many emotions, but mostly, thankfulness....I was thankful, my little girl, beat the odds, (DR's say she is a miracle due to the kind of immune issue I have) and is here to celebrate another year with us....I am thankful for the light she shines in my heart on the darkest of days...I was just sooooooo thankful and filled with Joy, looking at the miracle God placed in our lives... Today, is a little bit different...Today is MY birthday....29 years old...The last year of my 20's...In the past, when thinking about this time in my life, (hypothetically) I had a lot of "plans" that I had hoped to see come to fruition by now....MANY have...and many have not....Most of those things that didn't come to be, I was ok with...But, .I  thought by now, (after 3 years trying and praying) surely we would have had our last, very much desired addition to the family already...But here we a...

University of Michigan Medical School has found that couples who experience miscarriage are 22% more likely to break up. Those that experience stillbirth are at an even greater risk – couples were 40% more likely to divorce or separate after the tragedy. Those are staggering statistics...One I am so thankful  I am not apart of.... Though the last 3 years of this journey to have another baby...And even before that, in 2008 when we lost our daughter at 19 weeks..My husband has always been there to support be 100%...After all we have endured, we are stronger today, than we ever were...And I am  just so blessed to loved by a man who really understands the meaning of, for better or for worse, sickness and in health, rich or poor....No matter what! And is committed to growing and learning from all the circumstances and adversity that we have face...He has not let it break him...Or let it break me...I am so thankful...

This blog post written by Franchesca of Small Bird Studios  is just amazing.... The Thing About Grief: http://smallbirdstudios.com/2013/07/14/the-thing-about-grief/

For now anyway... Not sure what we will do in 6 months...But for now, this is the plan... I got a RX for seasonale- The one where you take it for 3 months continuously,  then have a period. It is supposed to be good for keeping PCOS calmed down etc. I really just want to not worry about getting pregnant for a while...No charting, no nonsense...It is such a horrible place to be...Because I would give ANYTHING to be pregnant with a baby I get to bring home at the end. But, Knowing my body just KILLS them before they can hardly start to grow, kills ME inside, and I just cannot keep going through the emotional turmoil of loss after loss after loss anymore...So I have no other choice but to do whatever I can to prevent pregnancy, even though I want so much to be pregnant right now...ugh... All the baby pics and belly pics and ultrasound snapshots on facebook...They just cut like a knife...Reminders of what we tried for soooooo long to get, but lost, over and over again, and what we...

Can do you good every now and again... I decided to cut my hair for a little change... =) Before: After:

Levels are baseline!!!! Thank you JESUS!!! :::sigh of relief::: This whole ordeal has gone on wayyyyy toooooo long...NOW...I can finally start to move closer to the "acceptance" phase...I think I would have been much closer to it, had this not gone so crazy and taken so long to resolve...Anyway...Onward and upward... I have decided to get a tattoo for my B day ( on the 25th of this month) in honor of our angel babies...I am still in the process  of having it sketched properly, but this is the basic model I came up with on the computer...I plan to put it on my left shoulder/back. Romans 8:18: I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

 I have been sitting here, pondering the stages of grief. As I look over the last almost 3 years dealing with infertility and NUMEROUS pregnancy losses, I can tell you that this is a pretty good representation of what it can be like to walk through the stages of grief...Of course, everyone deals with grief a little differently, as we are individuals., but generally speaking, most people find themselves dealing with these 7 stages at one point in time or another when they have suffered a loss, of any kind.. I am writing from a stand point of the loss being a pregnancy loss, because that is the most recent loss I am dealing with, and I  try not to write on anything I have not experienced myself....I am not sure where I am in the grief stages right now...I seem to flip back and forth from depression, anger, and denial...I have a feeling it is going to be a LONG road to  acceptance ... Below is a graph that shows the stages and how they kind of ebb and flow through time......

Woke up to bleeding...Maybe, just maybe this means that the HCG has dropped and things are finally resolving...Let's hope...

More lovely side effects from methotrexate....Hair loss...

Not really sure at this point...we will have to wait and see what Wed's levels are at.... I did however correspond with my Local RE about all of this...Here is our messages from the portal. I am too tired to paraphrase....So this is the Jist of us hashing out what to do next... ME: so I talked to Greta (my nurse) about the HCG levels today. they did go up some.....I know they should drop on the 7th day past metho...I know my baseline is under one normally, as I have had several HCG draws showing my level normally is less than one, for a baseline... so I am not sure what good doing a qualitative urine test is going to do, since they have a threshold of 25( they wanted me to do a urine and blood test on wed)..Thats pretty much a waste of money for me to get charge 150 bucks for a urine test at the lab... Also, seeing how I had such adverse reactions from the last methotrexate shot, I would prefer NOT to do that again, even if it does continue to rise...so what are the other opti...

Ugh...Today my HCG did not drop like it should have, instead,it went up again...even after a second dose of metho last week...They want me to wait one more week, and do another beta, and if it has not gone to baseline by then, they will "re-evaluate" and go from there...I am soooo sick of this!!!!!