Purpose Driven Motherhood

Of course, I have been doing this long enough (57 cycles now) to know that a pretty chart means nothing when it comes to pregnancy/baby, and especially in OUR case, it means literally nothing ...BUT, still...Look at that! I started tracking my cycles again with temps this month...Its been a while since I actually used my BBT therm.... I wanted to see where I was at cycle wise with managing my PCOS and IR issues and make sure I am documenting my luteal phase and ovulation days to see if we get any progress with balancing those out now that I am taking the metformin again....I kind of miss charting now that I am back at it again...It helps me feel a bit more in the "know" and feel in control... And to be honest, I KINDA started back at it again too, because we have stopped "preventing" again, and are just "seeing what happens"...Its probably a stupid move on my part, but at this point, why not? I have not been had any traumatic losses (that lasted m...

Merry Christmas and happy new year to everyone!! I hope this years holiday season was filled with more joy than tears for all of you!  Just wanted to write a quick post and spill out some of my feelings somewhere...I am aware most of the readers I had before probably aren't even keeping up anymore...so this is really just a therapeutic place for me to vent at this point...anyway... January 4 is always a hard day for me...it would've been my father's 61st birthday, and should have been Hannah's seventh birthday...but neither of them are here on this earth to celebrate ... Both were taken far too soon...  To top it off, I started AF that day, which only reminded me that my body is broken...that I will never bring forth life again from my womb...it doesn't help that there are new babies all around the church too...I am not so bitter anymore that I can't be happy for them, I truly am... I just hate the odds at which we have been faced with. And I'm not sure the ...

The sacred project film.... I have seen this floating around the loss community the last few days, and unfortunately I did not get our babies names (there are too many anyway) in the film, but I know many close to me, who did, and when I sat to watch this, I was so moved with emotion, I wept at first...What I saw was not grief, so they were not tears of despair, but, on the contrary....Tears of release, and JOY....I saw women embracing what happened to them , but, rising from the ashes and learning there is beauty in these ashes, and  in what we have experienced, and there is no shame....we are NOT broken...we are SACRED.... I started to realize, I can stop loathing my body, and embrace what it is, what it was and what it will always remain as...A sacred place where my babies...ALL of them....My earth babies or my heaven angels...They all felt LOVE...                                I am a s...

I got a picture today that I ordered back in July in honor of all of our angel babies...created by Carly Marie at projectheal.com  http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/ Because we have lost soooo many babies  I chose to use something that would represent them all (last name) - I can't wait to get a big print of this to hang in the house!!

Its been so strange being back in my old home town, back in good ol California...But, it feels GOOD! Its so much different in this new season of my life..I cannot explain it, but I just feel like every day I am here, a weight is being lifted off of me...Despite the craziness of my health struggles, I am filled with much more peace and joy on a regular basis...I can stretch out, breathe and be "me"....Crazy, silly, perfectly imperfect ME... Me with some elementary/middle school buddies :) catching up, reminiscing, being silly, and making new memories!  I have been connecting with old friends, in this new season, and it just amazes me how MUCH we ALL have been through, and survived...seeing who we all have become through the years...Being in our 30's now, things are just different, but at the same time, seem so much like the "good ol days" all at once...I have also met some new friends who have brought a richness to my life that I cannot seen to expla...

Last day here in NY ... I'm pretty much lost for words ... We leave tomorrow at o dark thirty ...