Purpose Driven Motherhood

......Spotting/bleeding and side pain this morning, even despite having  a darker test...Those, combined with low betas for the DPO and super low progesterone...I already know what that means... Another damn ectopic ....I mean really!? I have to have one more beta to confirm with a P4 on sat- But with the bleeding and  my history of the two previous ectopics which presented much like this one, it looks like I am in for another round of methotrexate...Ugh...I am so tired and worn from all of this...Just when I don't think I can take much more, Life throws another pile of crap my way... Oh and I got a "nice email" from Braverman's office informing me I will no longer receive care from them unless I pay a 2000 first trimester monitoring fee....For a pregnancy that isnt even viable!!??? I shot back a semi peeved mail about it, and then Judy ( the financial lady) CALLED me to tell me they are pulling all my RX's and wont read my lab work!!?? Braverman didnt even hav...

Today's follow up beta was interesting- HCG went up to 22?...Progesterone is still low...at 2.91- was 5 the other day....They want me to repeat again sat and up my progesterone dose...I guess they are being optimistic...I know better...This is def not good...beta of only 22 on 17 dpo  with low progesterone...After having days of positive tests...I have been through this same song and dance and both times it ended with shots of methotrexate, so I am reallllyyyyy praying things just take care of themselves before the week is over....If I have to stand in Church sunday next to the lady who just had a baby the same time I should have had my May angel baby, and still be in this limbo with a semi dead baby, possibly lodged in my tube, I am gonna lose it...

I've had questions without answers  I've known sorrow, I have known pain  But there's one thing that I cling to  You are faithful, Jesus You're true  When hope is lost  I call You Saviour  When pain surrounds  I call You Healer  When silence falls  You'll be the song within my heart  In the lone hour of my sorrow  Through the darkest night of my soul  You surround me, You sustain me  My defender for ever more  When hope is lost  I call You Saviour  When pain surrounds  I call You Healer  When silence falls  You'll be the song within my heart  And I will praise You  I will Praise You  When the tears fall  Still I will sing to You  I will praise You  Jesus praise You  Through the suffering  Still I will sing to You  When hope is lost  I call You Saviour  When pain surrounds  I call You Healer  ...

My hopes are crushed... HCG was 8.... Dr. B said that it does not look viable at this point- I repeat my quant on thursday just to be sure- crushed.

...........Has officially started- Got my lab req for my Quant Beta and P4...I go in at around 1 pm for a draw- Hopefully I will get results by the time the office closes....I reallllyyyyy HATE this part...The waiting, and wondering if it will double or is high enough etc...I want to say that today, I am just enjoying being pregnant, but I will be honest...Really, I am just scared as heck, and want to fast forward past the next few weeks... =/

I can get excited!!!! I am pregnant!!!!!!!!! I have NO idea how this is going to turn out, but I am praying with all I have this is our take home baby!!!! I am taking it one day at a time, and I am going to enjoy each moment. This life is a gift, and I am so very thankful!!!!!! Here is a peek at the BFP chart! =) Beta's start tomorrow!!!!!!

tests today are a smidge darker- if things keep progressing, I will go in for a beta tuesday!!!