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Showing posts from 2014

I am sacred...

The sacred project film.... I have seen this floating around the loss community the last few days, and unfortunately I did not get our babies names (there are too many anyway) in the film, but I know many close to me, who did, and when I sat to watch this, I was so moved with emotion, I wept at first...What I saw was not grief, so they were not tears of despair, but, on the contrary....Tears of release, and JOY....I saw women embracing what happened to them , but, rising from the ashes and learning there is beauty in these ashes, and  in what we have experienced, and there is no shame....we are NOT broken...we are SACRED.... I started to realize, I can stop loathing my body, and embrace what it is, what it was and what it will always remain as...A sacred place where my babies...ALL of them....My earth babies or my heaven angels...They all felt LOVE...                                I am a scared space, forever and for always...Because of THEM.... (my picture, taken today,

In honor of all of our angel babies

I got a picture today that I ordered back in July in honor of all of our angel babies...created by Carly Marie at projectheal.com  http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/ Because we have lost soooo many babies  I chose to use something that would represent them all (last name) - I can't wait to get a big print of this to hang in the house!!

Starting to feel like "home"

Its been so strange being back in my old home town, back in good ol California...But, it feels GOOD! Its so much different in this new season of my life..I cannot explain it, but I just feel like every day I am here, a weight is being lifted off of me...Despite the craziness of my health struggles, I am filled with much more peace and joy on a regular basis...I can stretch out, breathe and be "me"....Crazy, silly, perfectly imperfect ME... Me with some elementary/middle school buddies :) catching up, reminiscing, being silly, and making new memories!  I have been connecting with old friends, in this new season, and it just amazes me how MUCH we ALL have been through, and survived...seeing who we all have become through the years...Being in our 30's now, things are just different, but at the same time, seem so much like the "good ol days" all at once...I have also met some new friends who have brought a richness to my life that I cannot seen to expla

Random pics. -

Last day....

Last day here in NY ... I'm pretty much lost for words ... We leave tomorrow at o dark thirty ...

My Lighthouse

I have heard this song so many times...Its been kind of my anthem... I feel like, right now , I am stuck in the middle of the ocean, on a tiny raft with a slowly leaking hole...Meanwhile, there is every kind of storm known to the world swirling around me...NO, not just some rain, and waves and lightning or thunder... But MASSIVE storm, after storm, after storm, after STORM, that keeps battering me...Over and over. ..I keep hanging on to the vision in my heart of that "safe shore" ...I cannot wait to get there, lay in the warm sand and BREATHE without swallowing salty water and tears....But, For now, I cling to my leaky raft for dear life, while I search for that light house to give me a beam of light to follow out of this mess...Out of the darkness...Out of the Storms that have engulfed my life...

How true...

I often think, when people see me out, on the good days, enjoying my family and life as MUCH as possible, regardless of how crazy and scary things might be right now, they must look and think "wow look how happy/perfect they are"... Everyone is facing a battle, and rarely do we let our guards down for other's to see it... I choose to let mine down here on my blogs, because, I know somewhere, someone might be facing a similar situation and battle in their life that they have not felt comfortable sharing, and desperately want to feel less alone.....And it seems like the only way we connect and care about other total strangers, is online, in a virtual world....I just wish sometimes, people could see into our lives deeper than first appearances once in a while, and maybe we would all realize, we are hurting, from something, and everyone needs a little compassion, without having to justify why...

OBGYN appt- Update on Mass-

Went in Yesterday to see the OBGYN about the mass in my uterus that was found a couple weeks ago. I really don't feel like going into all the nitty gritty details, like how every pregnant and newborn that could have been in the office, was there...So Ill keep this short. The OBGYN said the mass/growth is Adenomyosis, that has considerably embedded in between the posterior uterine muscle/wall. It does not "look" cancerous in nature, but there is NO way to biopsy it due to the location and a Hysterectomy is suggested....If it grows at all or change by next can, it won't be a "recommendation"... Obviously not right NOW, but soon... Once we get set up with DR's out there, I need a re scan of the area and a second opinion. (The OBGYN appt yesterday was already the 3rd opinion at this point if you count the ER doc's) Of course, it does NOT take a rocket scientist to figure out that a Hysterectomy would be the utter worst thing for me right now , emot

Use of intralipids for recurrent pregnancy loss- Info from Braverman-

On Tuesday, (6/3/2014) Dr. Braverman delivered a presentation at the 34th Annual Meeting of the American Society of Reproductive Immunology about the use of intralipid therapy for recurrent pregnancy loss. Intralipid therapy for recurrent pregnancy loss – controversies and future directions J Bra verman , DR Ritsck Braverman Reproductive Immunology PC, Woodbury, New York, USA Intralipid is a 20% fat emulsion containing soybean oil triglycerides that was developed as a source of parenteral nutrition for patients unable to tolerate an oral diet.  Immunomodulatory functions of Intralipid infusions were subsequently noted and Intralipid infusions, touted by many as an inexpensive alternative to IVIG, are now widely used to treat recurrent pregnancy loss.  While Intralipid infusions have been used for years in women experiencing recurrent pregnancy loss with anecdotal success, a satisfactory explanation for its therapeutic effects has been largely lacking.  We will discus

Adventures in urgent care land...

So, a lot has happened in the last week or so...I wish It was good things, but instead, just more junk heaped on to our already full plate... So 2 week ago I was in urgent care for side/abdominal pain...Turned out to be inflamed lymph in my intestine etc...Cause: remains unknown still...Still dealing with pain and major gastrointestinal issues, but i'm alive at least....Been trying to tough it out till we get to CA and get into a new practice ... Fast forward to this last friday, and after mowing the lawn the day before, (First day I felt like getting out of bed in weeks) I find a tick, in my scalp..my first one ever...Ick! Here in upstate NY, lyme disease is HUGE ( 1 in 20 ticks carry lyme) , and because my Son was diagnosed in the very late stage of Lyme in 2012, ( we never knew he was  bit) I wanted to be sure I went in and got the preventative meds anyway, especially since the tick wa a nymph, which 90% of the time are the lyme carriers....So, off I go... I get settled a

Say Something....*God answers back*

I posted a few months ago about a song by Great big world called "say something"...The moment I heard the song, I left like it spoke to the depth of me, where I was questioning "God where are you? say something, I am giving up on you!"...Through the last few years, its has been almost unfathomable to see just HOW MUCH loss we have endured...With each loss that we prayed for a miracle for, it was another disappointment, another way I felt the chasm between God and I get bigger and his voice more distant, his love almost nonexistent...I knew he didn't "cause our losses to happen" but he COULD have at least save ONE baby...Or at least spared me surgeries and complications that were so unnecessary...Anyway...This song was almost my anthem, as we began to close this chapter of our lives...Over the course of the last few months I would say I have inched closer to God again, but there are times I keep doubting and asking "where are you in the midst of

So much to say....

But yet, I am lost for words.... I am such a mix of emotions lately...I don't know if I am coming or going...Between my health (which is still touch and go right now due to some unknown auto immune function/virus), my Mom's tests ( she goes for more tests this week and a biopsy) and of course the move...As excited as I am for it, I am just so mixed up too!! (I am sure the birth control pills I started recently is NOT helping me any in the emotional department!) Closing this chapter in our lives signifies so much and it's kind of hard to let go of all of the things we tried to build upon in this last chapter...The good and the bad...Some days I am ready, some days I am anything but ready for this to all get real... But ready or not, in 26 days, we will close the door to this house, this chapter, this part of our lives and set out on a adventure across the country....26 days.... Oh, AND, a update on weight loss battle- None lost recetly, because well, I feel like POOP

This happened...

started seasonique pills- Last week, I had some pretty nasty health issues that landed me in the ER (thank you effed up immune system) and almost got me emergency surgery for appendicitis. LUckily, NO surgery was needed, it was just lymph nodes in my abdomen ( yes they are in there too! I had NO idea!) that got inflamed and  aggravated my spleen etc...This also just happened to be on CD 1...I think we may have had a chemical (we were NTNP, butI wasn't testing) and it triggered another immune flare-  Regardless, between how crappy I have been feeling, the upcoming road trip (32 days and we leave from NY for Cali~!) not to mention the fact we are moving back in with my parents (not out of necessity, more convenience, we could afford a house but are saving money, and are making up for lost time with the rent anyway) I don't need to throw in the physical and emotional aspects of a miscarriage into the mix, or GOD forbid, another ectopic...Hell to the NO! So back on BC

Prayers please...

My Mom just got the call...There are two spots on her mammogram, she needs further testing...She already survived breast cancer once 10 years ago, I know she can fight it again, but good grief, we needed a streak of good news not more bad...ugh...Moving could not happen soon enough. I need to be close to my mom...Any and all prayers are greatly appreciated!

I survived

Mother's day that is. I wrote in a previous post , about how the day was really going to be emotional for me in so many ways...Especially with the should be due date of our last loss falling on the same day...And, It was. I woke up early that morning, and sat alone on the couch drinking my coffee and thinking...Thinking about the last 4 years we have endured...The HOPE, excitement, and celebration at the start of each pregnancy, and the immense loss, devastation and grief  with each loss...Remembering in such depth, ALL of the events that took place, brought it back in technicolor/surround sound...It was as if I could taste the tears that fell from my cheeks, and feel the intense ache deep in my soul all over again...The more I thought, the more I realized, I was not ready to face this day outside of the 4 walls of my home, and especially not at church, on the one day when they exhort all the Mother's/babies...There was a little peace that came just from admitting I was &quo

A small glimpse ...

Of where we will be living....This is in the area of the San Bernardino national forest, also known as Crestline, Lake arrowhead, Running Springs- Big bear Lake area-  Here are some random snap shots of the area- here is a vid from the city, up the mountain....:)
To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you To those who lost a child this year – we mourn with you To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you To those who experienced loss this year through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you To those who walk the hard path of infer tility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. Forgive us when we say foolish things. We don’t mean to make this harder than it is. To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you To those who have warm and close relationships with your children – we celebrate with you To those who have disappointment, heart ache, and distance with your children – we sit with you To those who lost their mothers this year – we grieve with you To those who experienced abuse at the hands of your own mother – we acknowledge your experience To those w

International Bereaved Mother's Day

May has always been a hard month for me...It comes right after the passing of my father ( April 28th 2004- also the day I found out I was pregnant with Hannah in 2008) and Holds a lot of dates that are triggers for me...One being....Mother's Day... Ever since we lost Hannah, at 19 weeks in 2008, I have struggled with Mother's day. Now, nearly 6 years later, and I struggle even more...Especially since we have two "should have been" due dates on Mothers day, two years in a row.... I should have been due LAST Mother's day with a rainbow baby (our first  ectopic)...And THIS Mother's day marks our last "should be EDD" from our last "documented"(as in not a chemical, and in my medical records) pregnancy, our last, and 4th ectopic (the 8th documented loss in 3 years) that required the removal of my right tube.... Also to add insult to injury, AF also just happens to be due on mother's day this year for me too, and even though we are NOT

Re-blogging- Not everyone gets a rainbow...

This says it all... http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/01/everyone-gets-rainbow/ Still struggling with letting go of our hopes and dreams for our family...It is a ever present struggle that seems to intensify as the times goes by, not get better...ugh...

Required reading...

   Part of my courses at Stillbirthday University, include the reading of two books (of your choice out of about 25), that you will need to do an essay on,  at the end of the classes. One of the two books I chose, came in the mail the other day, and because we have been so consumed in moving I set it aside on my side table for a week or more...   Then, one quiet afternoon, I picked it up and began to read (  I know, a little early, classes don't start till July) with a good cup of tea... It is called "The invisible pregnancy: Give birth to healing" Written by SBD's very own Hedi Faith. She is a dear soul who is committed to being a light in the darkness for women dealing with the unthinkable...I am blessed to be able to work with her through SBD.   I am going to be 100% honest...I am struggling like heck to read this book...The trending theme is that Grief is a pregnancy. Even the "dares" are set up as a 40 week challenge...I find the connection be

Patience is not my strong suit...

I have NEVER been a person who was good at or patient while waiting...I always huffed and puffed, and moaned about things..."WHY is it taking sooooooooo LONG" stuff...Looking back,  a lot  MOST of those things were pretty trivial, excluding the last 4 years... This last season of life has presented more challenges and waiting than I would have liked...Its been nearly unbearable. Especially, the baby thing. To have waited so LONG (more than a year just to get surgery to TTC again- then 3+YEARS of actively trying) and have so many losses, and invested SO much money, all for nothing, it is a hard pill to swallow...It makes one not want to take risks again, quite frankly...The "what can go wrong, usually will" is a theme that seems to have followed me around these days, along with Murphy's law... So when we decided to step out and relocate from NY to CA, we had an inkling that we might run into a few bumps in the road here and there...Never did we expect there

Everyone gets it...

You know, that NASTY little disease  that slowly infects the  mind and soul...Also know as, The green eyed monster ...Yup...I am talking about Jealousy... Its something that every SINGLE one of us has felt at some point in time or another, be it in a relationship,  or even a lack there of ( think, "everyone else is getting married and I am not!") or something I see a LOT of...Facebook envy/jealousy...People sit around and scan through all these seemingly awesome pics and life experiences, and think "gee, I wish I could do that, or had a family like that, or a car like that and a JOB like that!"..... I think  jealousy plays a HUGE ROLE ( much bigger than anyone wants to realize) in the IF/Baby loss community especially,  and more often than not, is the driving force behind our actions both to others, and ourselves... I find that even the most self aware person is wrapped up in a crazy amount of jealousy in regards to this specific life event, myself inc