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January 4th

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Merry Christmas and happy new year to everyone!! I hope this years holiday season was filled with more joy than tears for all of you! 

Just wanted to write a quick post and spill out some of my feelings somewhere...I am aware most of the readers I had before probably aren't even keeping up anymore...so this is really just a therapeutic place for me to vent at this point...anyway...

January 4 is always a hard day for me...it would've been my father's 61st birthday, and should have been Hannah's seventh birthday...but neither of them are here on this earth to celebrate ... Both were taken far too soon... 

To top it off, I started AF that day, which only reminded me that my body is broken...that I will never bring forth life again from my womb...it doesn't help that there are new babies all around the church too...I am not so bitter anymore that I can't be happy for them, I truly am... I just hate the odds at which we have been faced with. And I'm not sure the pain associated with that will ever go away. 

I did however conquer a little bit of a fear I had, despite the day starting off emotional and difficult...for the first time in almost 2 years, I sang with the worship team at church. I'm not going to go into details about why this was such a big deal for me, other than lightly touching on the fact that our previous church had laid on us a bunch of hurtful things, that was detrimental to us ever serving in the body of Christ again, so the fact that we are even attending another church to begin with, let alone starting to serve in ministry is a huge deal! After church was over I felt really good...I felt accomplished, because I never thought I would be up there again...

But by the time I got home my heart was aching again... No matter how many good things I tried to meditate on, and no matter how many wonderful things happen, my heart just hurts...

It has become clear to me through the years that no matter how much time passes my heart will never fully heal...No matter how much I try to make myself 
Move on, it never works... 

There will always be a part of me that cries for  what "should" have been... For my Dad...For Hannah... For ALL our babies ... 

January 4 should've been a great day of celebration... But instead, it's just another day that Reminds me you're not here...

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