May has always been a hard month for me...It comes right after the passing of my father ( April 28th 2004- also the day I found out I was pregnant with Hannah in 2008) and Holds a lot of dates that are triggers for me...One being....Mother's Day...
Ever since we lost Hannah, at 19 weeks in 2008, I have struggled with Mother's day. Now, nearly 6 years later, and I struggle even more...Especially since we have two "should have been" due dates on Mothers day, two years in a row.... I should have been due LAST Mother's day with a rainbow baby (our first ectopic)...And THIS Mother's day marks our last "should be EDD" from our last "documented"(as in not a chemical, and in my medical records) pregnancy, our last, and 4th ectopic (the 8th documented loss in 3 years) that required the removal of my right tube....
Also to add insult to injury, AF also just happens to be due on mother's day this year for me too, and even though we are NOT TTC, getting AF every month just reminds me that we have everything we "need" to make a baby (sperm, eggs etc) but, my immune system is out of control, and kills my babies, and there is NOTHING I can do to stop it short of paying 30 grand...It makes my heart ache to know I can't protect and keep my own babies safe in my own body which was made to protect them...I feel like I fail at being a "mother"...
To say that Mother's Day leaves me raw with emotion would be a understatement...Which is why I am SOOOOOO thankful Carly marie and friends started up International Bereaved Mother's day....It was surprising to me at first, to find out the origins of the Mother's day we celebrate today, and then disgusting to see how mass marketing has turned it into more of a tacky retail holiday than anything...
What I love about International Bereaved Mother's Day, is that I have a day where I can FULLY honor (not half heartedly, as to not offend the glitter poopers who think loss cannot be celebrated and honored with life too) my babies who thrive only in my heart and dance in the heavens...I get to Honor the fact that I am STILL their mother, even if no one else remembers them...At least they know I remember them every day, and that they can be celebrated as my children...That brings me a little bit of comfort.
This Sunday, and even the sunday after that, I am going to TRY to focus all the energy I have into Honoring the life my little babies did have, (however brief) and hold them close in my heart. I am also going to Honor ALL of the mothers out there struggling this year, because I know I am not in the minority with this...Because 1 in 6 women will experience the loss of a child at least one in their lifetime...Hugz to all my loss mommas out there...
Ever since we lost Hannah, at 19 weeks in 2008, I have struggled with Mother's day. Now, nearly 6 years later, and I struggle even more...Especially since we have two "should have been" due dates on Mothers day, two years in a row.... I should have been due LAST Mother's day with a rainbow baby (our first ectopic)...And THIS Mother's day marks our last "should be EDD" from our last "documented"(as in not a chemical, and in my medical records) pregnancy, our last, and 4th ectopic (the 8th documented loss in 3 years) that required the removal of my right tube....
Also to add insult to injury, AF also just happens to be due on mother's day this year for me too, and even though we are NOT TTC, getting AF every month just reminds me that we have everything we "need" to make a baby (sperm, eggs etc) but, my immune system is out of control, and kills my babies, and there is NOTHING I can do to stop it short of paying 30 grand...It makes my heart ache to know I can't protect and keep my own babies safe in my own body which was made to protect them...I feel like I fail at being a "mother"...
What I love about International Bereaved Mother's Day, is that I have a day where I can FULLY honor (not half heartedly, as to not offend the glitter poopers who think loss cannot be celebrated and honored with life too) my babies who thrive only in my heart and dance in the heavens...I get to Honor the fact that I am STILL their mother, even if no one else remembers them...At least they know I remember them every day, and that they can be celebrated as my children...That brings me a little bit of comfort.
This Sunday, and even the sunday after that, I am going to TRY to focus all the energy I have into Honoring the life my little babies did have, (however brief) and hold them close in my heart. I am also going to Honor ALL of the mothers out there struggling this year, because I know I am not in the minority with this...Because 1 in 6 women will experience the loss of a child at least one in their lifetime...Hugz to all my loss mommas out there...
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